DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am in my mid-30s, single and childless by choice, and I live in a large city three hours away from my parents, who still live in my rural childhood home. Every year starting around Dec. 1, they are inundated with calls from my old classmates and ex-boyfriends who are calling to see when I'll be home for the holidays -- they want to "catch up" with me.

I have no interest in speaking with any of these people again, much less spending a few hours with them and their screaming children (they never want to come and visit ME, they want me to stop by their parents' houses where 15-plus hyper children are running amok).

I was finished with these people years ago, but they are oblivious to that fact (especially the ex-boyfriends). One persistent fellow phoned my parents' home every other day starting on Thanksgiving, asking if they had relayed his phone number to me (they had) and wondering aloud why I hadn't phoned him yet.

I don't know who gets more irritated, my parents or me. Do you know of a gentle way to permanently discourage someone from bugging the living crap out of my folks?

GENTLE READER: Madam, please control yourself. You do not have to see these people, but you need not use such language about people who were your friends and whose crime is their continued interest and offers of hospitality. And Miss Manners will fastidiously refrain from commenting on your attitude toward children.

There is no polite way to tell well-meaning old friends that you never want to see them again. Your parents should say firmly that they don't know what your plans are but know that you are terribly booked up; if repeatedly implored, they can only repeat that they have given you the message.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: This year, my husband and I are playing host for our family's Christmas celebration. My mother plans to bring her current beau, and he is Jewish. We like and respect him, and we want him to feel welcome in our family celebration, but we do not want to offend him by either ignoring his traditions or by participating in traditions we have no rights to. How can we, as gracious hosts, adjust our celebration to include his traditions?

GENTLE READER: With the best intentions in the world, you could embarrass and offend your guest by introducing some element that you consider Jewish into your Christmas party.

American Jews have a wide variety of ways of dealing with the centrality of Christmas, from ignoring it to adapting the customs for Hanukkah to participating in the secular aspects. These attitudes are not framed lightly, and you cannot hope to guess this gentleman's.

If you are having other Jewish guests with whom you are on close terms, you could ask them to help you make your party somewhat ecumenical. Simply singling out a newcomer smacks of saying, "Oh, look, there's a Jew here." You should either de-emphasize the religious aspect of your celebration or accept him as a welcome observer of the same, and a full participant in the social aspect.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am the mother of a 17-year-old daughter. I was also, some number of years ago, a Playboy bunny.

It's been my custom to not mention that fact because of the reputations of Playboy bunnies. However, in my case being a bunny meant I had money for college, graduate school and a yearlong trip to Europe.

My daughter has approached me about being allowed to tell her friends. She says they see all these gorgeous women on television and in magazines and her friends feel better when they realize just normal people (like me) can look like that. It seems a reasonable request, but I'm concerned about what her friends' parents will think. I don't want to swear these kids to secrecy about my (very) past life, but I don't want to be thought of as a slut either.

I'd appreciate any opinions you might have (and I bet you have a few) on how to best handle this. Am I just being silly and old-fashioned?

GENTLE READER: Let us hope so. An old-fashioned lady who is a bit flustered when it becomes known that she wasn't a totally old-fashioned girl and, before that, an old-fashioned baby, is charming. It adds just enough spice to keep her respectability from being cloying. And it makes her infinitely more charming than a mother who makes a point of showing how modern and racy she is.

Miss Manners means no slight to your daughter when she says that you might as well let her tell, because she is bursting with it -- if, indeed, she hasn't already told all her friends in strictest confidence. That would be the same strictest confidence in which they all told their mothers. You may take it as a given that even trustworthy people who swear never to tell anyone else are exempting their intimates from that category.

So (to use the ploy by which reporters pry quotes from those trying to duck public attention), don't you want to get the true story out there?

Your version cannot be that this was a universally innocent occupation, because there are too many other bunnies' stories out there. On the contrary, you need to explain that it was possible to hold this job without engaging in any immoral behavior.

And while the financial angle is relevant, you do not want to let your daughter think that money nullifies all questions about how it is earned. You can cover that by saying, "Looking back, perhaps I might have made a different choice."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What does one do with Christmas carolers? They are quite marvelous, but I never know quite how to react.

Wonderful young people who come in great good spirits to sing carols at one's front door -- do I stand at the open door, listening while I freeze and the house grows as cold as an Arctic igloo, or do I stay inside the warmth and smile through the window, or do I try to bring them all in out of the cold (to sing inside) and hope that I have some cookies or something to offer?

GENTLE READER: You are allowed to peek and wave from the window if, when they finish, you open the door to thank them. But Miss Manners wonders why, if you are fortunate enough to have caroling neighbors, you might not have cookies and hot punch on hand to offer them.

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Along with holiday greetings, the mail is surging with belligerent invitations.

As Miss Manners recalls, offers of hospitality used to be written in a charmingly suppliant tone. Would-be hosts didn't simply invite people, they begged, pleaded and cajoled:

"Please come ... we would be so happy if you would join us ... it would be such fun to have you here ... I would be thrilled ... We were hoping ... " Even the most formal invitations emphasized what a pleasure the guests' company would be or what an honor their presence.

Some of this ingratiating wording is retained through habit, but Miss Manners fears that the spirit is lost. The modern invitation soon turns to snarling:

"Reply by December 16."

"Dress creatively."

"Female guests should not wear black, red, white or orange."

"Adults only."

"By invitation only."

"No smoking."

"Promptness requested."

"Send in an original poem for our memory book."

"Submit a square for our quilt."

"Bring a dish that serves eight."

"Bring a food donation for the cause."

"Bring your checkbook."

"Cash bar."

"Currency only."

"Monetary gifts preferred."

And a new one on Miss Manners to which a Gentle Reader reports being subjected: "Leftover food and drink welcome."

She recognizes that part of this bossiness -- the part that isn't screaming greed -- is the guests' own fault. If they behaved themselves, it wouldn't be necessary to bark orders at them. Hosts turn surly when they are fed up with guests who habitually put off replying (in many cases forever), dress incongruously, arrive late, leave in the middle for other parties, bring along uninvited children and friends, offer minimal thanks and are never heard from again.

Perhaps all that has contributed to the greed factor. The conceit that it is the guest who confers a favor by agreeing to allow someone else to plan and prepare his or her entertainment, not to mention cleaning up afterward, gets less and less plausible.

"Why should I do this for those ingrates?" is an understandable question. Many hosts unfortunately stop right there, and thus the graciousness of home entertaining is becoming rare.

But the solution of making so-called guests pay their own way is a crass one. Cooperative parties and fund-raisers are viable social forms if properly labeled, but do not replace the ancient and sacred ritual of exchanging pure hospitality.

There is a certain amount of direction that hosts must legitimately provide. They set the date, time, place and style of the event, and get extra credit if they throw in how to get there and where to park. And as a sad commentary on human behavior, requesting a reply has crept into the language of both formal and informal invitations. It used to be obvious that if someone asked you over, you had to reply, yes ("I'd love to") or no ("Oh, I'm so sorry, that's the day I wash my beard").

Additional orders, especially any concerned with money or presents, are rude. Miss Manners lives in hope that guests will tire of hearing them and just go ahead and do their duties.

After all, it only took a decade or two for everyone to learn to wait for the beep before attempting to leave phone messages. Some day, perhaps, people will know to turn off their cell phones in the theater. Wouldn't it be worth it to be spared all that nagging?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Do you think if you have guests coming for the Christmas holidays you are thereby required to decorate your home and buy a Christmas tree?

My mother is joining me and my husband for another Christmas season and, although I am looking forward to the time off to spend with her, I just don't want to get a tree this year.

Normally, it falls on me to decorate and generally carry the festive attitude throughout the visit, but this year I just don't feel festive enough and am giving myself a break. I plan to make merry and will probably decorate in some fashion, but just not a tree this year. My mom reckons I should have a tree for my "guest." I say she is a woman visiting her daughter for the holidays and that should be enough.

GENTLE READER: So your mother wants a Christmas tree, and you don't feel like getting her one. But as you pose your question in general terms, Miss Manners has to admit that no, there is no etiquette requirement that hosts provide Christmas trees.

But your mother wants one. Can't you ask yourself how you would have felt as a child if she had told you she didn't feel festive enough to get one for you?

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