If the holiday gerunds -- decorating, cooking, shopping, stuffing -- seem daunting, it is probably because you have neglected to do the first one, and have skipped to doing the last.

The last is grousing. The first is pruning.

Many people who neglect their ordinary duties to friends, relatives, acquaintances, colleagues and society during the year try to make up for it during the holidays. In a frenzy, they feel they must send cards to all the people with whom they failed to keep in touch all year, throw parties whose guest lists consist of those whose hospitality they failed to reciprocate all year, and give presents or money to all others whom they have disregarded all year.

It becomes too much for them. So they don't get it all done and proceed right to the grousing about the burden of celebrating what are, after all, supposed to be holidays.

Miss Manners, who has run up no such debts, is saving her sympathy for those who also keep up during the year, but feel extra-expansive at the holidays. They have understandably accumulated a great many friends this way, and enjoy doing special things at this time. And they have wider circles of acquaintanceship, and use the holidays for an annual check-in.

They also might find that it adds up to too much. It is on their behalf that Miss Manners makes the following recommendations for holiday pruning.

CARDS: Drop from your list anyone of whom you have no mental picture. An out-of-date picture -- the way they looked when you were in college, or when they lived across the street -- will do, but if you cannot conjure up any, you needn't greet them. They are probably equally puzzled about you, only responding to your greetings. When cards only arrive a week or more after you sent yours every year, they are trying to drop you, and you should let them.

Greetings from commercial establishments and from people who do mass mailings to those they hardly know may also be safely dropped. These are people who want to send you their message, not to hear yours.

PRESENTS: People who do not enjoy receiving presents indicate this by ignoring the ones they are given, criticizing their presents, asking the donor to exchange them or trying to head off the impulse to choose presents for them by posting their shopping lists. This distaste should be respected by desisting from the practice.

GUESTS: People who show up at annual parties and are not heard from the rest of the year are clearly making duty appearances of which they should be relieved by the host. Even inquiries about why their invitations were not forthcoming should be interpreted as mere attempts at politeness on the part of people who clearly do not yearn for one's company.

These measures may seem harsh, but Miss Manners considers it to be in the spirit of the season to be thoughtful of others. And that includes the thoughtfulness of leaving people alone when they are not grateful to be remembered.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I dress very modestly, for a variety of religious and moral reasons. I have no problem explaining why I dress as I do to those who are really interested.

However, I can tell very quickly when someone is trying to pick a verbal fight or start a political or religious debate in a place where that would not be appropriate. In these cases I'd rather not explain. How do I politely respond without explaining?

GENTLE READER: What is the question to which you need a response? "How come you don't dress more lewdly?"

The answer to that would be a frozen stare. However, if you are referring to a particular symbol, such as wearing a headscarf, you need only say pleasantly, "It's my custom," and, to any follow-up questions, "because it is my custom." Miss Manners still recommends practicing that frozen stare in case of prolonged questioning or speculation.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Does Miss Manners consider the "upgrading" of a gift to be a faux pas? Here's the scenario:

Parents generously invite son and daughter-in-law on a cruise for which the parents have saved, reserving standard accommodations for all. Son and daughter-in-law, without any further discussion, "improve" upon this generous gift by purchasing an "upgrade" for themselves.

Some claim this is bad manners indeed because it relates to the parents that their very generous gift (they didn't have to do this, after all) is somehow not good enough. Others claim that the younger set are only trying to make their dream trip come true also, since they couldn't have afforded the trip otherwise and may never again.

Never having taken such a cruise, I can only guess that the distinction of the "upgrade" lies in various amenities and maybe having a bathtub instead of a shower, or dinner with the captain.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners has learned to be wary of hearing about people pursuing their dreams, as it so often is at the expense of others. What about the parents' dream, which is literally at their expense?

The rule is that you can do what you like with a present once it is yours, provided the giver of it never discovers that it was not entirely satisfactory. If the couple were being sent off on their own, they might be able to get away with upgrading.

But how are they going to explain being in a grander cabin, most likely on a different deck, and probably being assigned to a different dining room? This would not only indicate dissatisfaction with the present, but a preference for extra luxury over family proximity.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At least once a week, I have lunch or dinner in a restaurant with a group of friends or co-workers or networking group. Inevitably, when the check comes, it is passed around and everyone gives money to cover their share.

I can only recall one time when the payment didn't come up short. Last night, for example, the money collected was $60 under the total bill. Usually the burden of paying more falls to the ones, like me, who choose to linger and chat over coffee, while others rush out as soon as they have finished their meal.

Should the host call those people the next day and inform them that the bill was short and they should plan to compensate at the next gathering? This problem has seemed to exist everywhere! What is a tactful way to make sure everyone pays their fair share? I don't want to have to pay $40 for a salad anymore.

GENTLE READER: What your group needs is not a bill collector with the unpleasant, although not impolite, task of calling around saying, "I'm afraid you miscalculated your lunch bill," giving the correct sum. It needs an accountant.

Invariably, Miss Manners observes, people who are asked to figure their own costs calculate only the price of the food, omitting the tax and tip. You need to put one person in charge, who asks each of the others what he or she ordered, figures the cost and says what is owed before anyone departs.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I found out two years ago that I am infertile. Since then, I have undergone several extremely painful diagnostic tests, as well as two very expensive and unsuccessful rounds of in-vitro fertilization treatment. One of these ended in a rare type of miscarriage, eventually resulting in my having to go to the ER, in danger of bleeding to death.

I also felt compelled to leave my previous job after my supervisor threatened to fire me for taking two days off to recover from the miscarriage. So, to put it mildly, my husband and I have been through the infertility wringer.

In the first year or so after I was diagnosed, I was still happy to receive friends' and relatives' announcements of their pregnancies and the births of their children, as well as baby shower invitations, etc. However, as our finances have been steadily depleted and our hopes of ever having a child even more so, it has become increasingly difficult for me to react with anything other than extreme sorrow and depression to others' "baby news," even though, on another level, I am genuinely happy for them.

I know from reading comments on the Internet of other women who are infertile that I am far from alone in reacting this way to such announcements. I realize I can hardly avoid every pregnant woman or young child, nor do I want to -- at least not in the long term. However, in the short term, I am still grieving and having great difficulty coming to terms with my situation.

I am wondering, therefore, if it would be rude to send an e-mail to several friends and relatives whom I know are pregnant or who have recently given birth, politely asking them to please refrain from sending my husband and me birth announcements, Christmas cards containing pictures of their cherubic toddlers, etc. (We certainly do not expect anyone to go out of their way to buy or make us a separate card -- if they just leave us off their lists, that is fine by us.)

While I believe these good friends and close family would probably be understanding, I am still afraid to cause offense to people. Would such a request be inappropriate?

GENTLE READER: With the greatest of sympathy for you, Miss Manners cannot condone your telling people that their happiness upsets you. Fortunate people have feelings, too, and it would be dreadful to insinuate that their children constitute some sort of affront to you.

In the long run, as you know, you cannot avoid the fact that people you know will propagate. What you can do now is to get someone to censor your regular and electronic mail so that you will know who has sent you cards or greetings without having to see pictures that upset you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a casual friendship with a man I meet in the park. My problem is that every time the man and I part, he leaves with the saying "God bless." That's all, not "Nice seeing you" or "Have a nice day." How am I supposed to reply to "God bless?"

GENTLE READER: "Goodbye." It means the same thing.

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