A horrid burst of euphoria often follows an outburst of rudeness. The offender does his offensive little number and then compounds it by declaring, "I feel better now."

Well, sure. As in the case of other unfortunate bodily emissions, the person who does it feels relieved, while everyone else is suffering from the suddenly poisoned atmosphere.

Miss Manners suffers from this sequence of events even when she is not in the immediate vicinity. That people sometimes lapse from perfect behavior, she is all too aware. But why can't they at least feel ashamed of themselves?

Etiquette is generous in providing ways of dealing with failure to meet its standards. It not only makes allowances for newcomers who are not yet familiar with the particular etiquette forms they are encountering, but requires those who are to help spare them embarrassment.

It even has a mechanism for inexcusable lapses, a form of social whiteout called the apology. This requires some effort. The amount of self-condemnation has to be fitted to the error committed: too little, and the assumption is that the apology is insincere; too much, and the assumption is that the apology is sarcastic.

It is true that sincerity can be simulated, which many regard as a flaw. How can they know if the apologizer is really, really sorry in his heart of hearts?

They can't. But Miss Manners does not regard that as a flaw. Sincerity has its place among the moral virtues, but if everyone's truest feelings about everyone else were constantly being made obvious, civilization would collapse. Even the kindest of souls occasionally harbor unkind thoughts, but if they can plausibly deny them, no harm is done. To apologize is to recognize the legitimacy of the complaint, and usually that is all it takes to restore peace.

All the same, Miss Manners counts on a smidgeon of commitment to the notion that peacefulness is desirable, and that therefore one should refrain from actions that rile up others. And she counts on a conscience that produces a bad feeling, rather than a triumphant one, when one is guilty of such an action.

Unfortunately, there was a time, not so long in the past, when the society exerted itself to drum out these qualities. It condemned feelings of guilt, hardly bothering to distinguish between irrational ones and the valuable mechanism by which wrongdoers punish themselves. It deemed it courageous to say provocative things bluntly, with the misleading expectation that insults would be appreciated if they represented honest feelings. It promised health benefits to getting unpleasant things off one's chest, without considering that other people were then getting them in the face.

This was a sort of reverse child-rearing, teaching adults to forgo inhibitions and come straight out with -- anything at all. It did not work out well. After all, there are still thoughts that are socially unacceptable, and you have to learn to control them.

You may have an occasional accident. In that case, excuse yourself, clean up as best you can, and for goodness' sake don't point to it with pride.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While dining out I asked myself and my dinner companion what would be the proper time during the meal to offer a taste to the other party? Would it be immediately, following the first bite, midway through the meal, or at the end?

GENTLE READER: All three are possible with the right dinner companion, but each has a different meaning.

An offer made after your first taste means, "This is wonderful, and I'd like you to share it." Offered mid-meal, it means, "Aren't you going to offer me some of what you're eating?" And at the end it means, "Here, why don't you have this; I can't finish it."

Miss Manners does not advise the second with any but an intimate friend, and the third with any but a spouse.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Would Miss Manners care to advise one on how to deal with relatives who persist in sending a video camera around on Christmas Eve and having each family tell about their year?

The problem is that there is a wide variation in income levels in the family, from a multimillionaire to several solidly middle-class working-couple families to a single mother who scrapes to put food on the table.

Would Miss Manners care to speculate on which family member takes the opportunity to expound on the latest African safari, daughter's private-riding lessons and horse, and son's new SUV? Judging from how intimidated this middle-class-family member feels, she can only imagine what the single mother must feel. Would Miss Manners care to furnish a response that would sweetly portray the ire this custom invokes?

GENTLE READER: With no intention of defending the cheeky practice of forcing people to perform for cameras, Miss Manners fails to see why you interpret this as a financial report.

How each person wishes to account for his or her year is a wide-open question, which does not require opening financial accounts of purchases made. Surely the relatives who are not rich have some accomplishments or other news to relate, possibly -- since you regard this as a contest -- even more than the rich ones. At the very least, they are less likely to have a daughter who falls off her horse and a son who crashes his SUV.

This is not to say that Miss Manners believes that everyone must go along with this project. It would be sensible to announce that one is camera-shy, but looks forward to seeing the others' reports.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For the first time, this year I'll be spending Christmas away from my immediate family and with my fiancee and her family, with whom I am on excellent terms. Typically, my family will dress up in our best formal clothes for Christmas church services, whereas my fiancee indicates that her family usually takes a more business casual approach, even for Christmas.

While I have absolutely no problems with her family's choice of dress, I would feel uncomfortable dressing similarly for what I feel is an important occasion. At the same time, I do not wish to risk embarrassing my hosts by my choice of attire.

Given the general good nature of my future parents-in-law, I have no doubt that my worries are unfounded. However, proper etiquette is still important to them, and to me, and I would like to know what would be my most appropriate course of action this upcoming holiday.

GENTLE READER: Be grateful you are a gentleman, and not a lady. You can appear wearing a jacket and tie and submit to entreaties that you remove them. Ladies have no such flexibility, Miss Manners assures you. Even if they manage to wear changeable outfits, respectable people do not ask them to remove their clothing.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: With the better stores now giving gift receipts, what is the best protocol when giving a gift? Is it best to include it with the gift?

GENTLE READER: It beats the recipient asking where it was bought or, even more rudely, asking the donor to exchange it. And it saves that ungracious speech by which some people undercut their generosity: "If you don't like it, you can take it back." So yes, Miss Manners recommends tucking it discreetly into the tissues.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I need help before my husband and his father stop speaking entirely! My father-in-law has recently become a stickler for thank-you notes. He and his wife live in another state and mail gifts to our children for holidays, birthdays, etc. Each time we receive a gift from them we have our children call to thank them personally.

My father-in-law feels that we should be sending written notes in addition to the phone calls. My husband thinks that thank-you notes are formal and the telephone calls are more personal and appropriate for an immediate family member. Neither is willing to compromise on the subject and things are starting to get tense.

GENTLE READER: You are in luck, because Miss Manners can make everyone happy: Your father-in-law will get his letters of thanks, and your husband doesn't have to write them.

The children do, as the presents were sent to them. They can make telephone calls when they receive the presents, and then sit down and write those letters. True, this may not make them happy, but proper child-rearing rarely does at the time, and their lives will be happier later for having the habit.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A co-worker and I had a dispute about six months ago that has left us as co-workers only; no longer friends. It was never a great friendship, but it was amicable.

Yesterday she put a Christmas gift on my desk. I had no idea what to say or do. Last evening and today I have thought about it and decided I would wait until the other people had left around 5 and then return it to her and explain I am really uncomfortable with this gift and am unable to keep it. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: That what you have there is not so much a Christmas present as a peace offering disguised as a Christmas present. Do you really want to reject the offer of peace from someone with whom you still have to work?

Miss Manners supposes that what you want to reject is renewed friendship. Unless the present is a substantial one, you can do that by saying, "I very much appreciate your gesture."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When planning our holiday party, we were discussing the proper breakdown of the different dress-code classifications. The classifications we came up with are: Black Tie, Formal, Semi-Formal, Business Casual, Casual. We need help clarifying the proper dress for each classification, and in what settings they are generally applied. Also, are these the correct breakdowns?

GENTLE READER: Breakdown is right. The system of allowing guests to know the style of clothing they were expected to wear is in shards.

The old system recognized only Formal and Informal. You had to know the community to know whether that particular set meant that Formal was white tie and Informal was black tie, or Formal was black tie and Informal was business suits, or Formal was ties and jackets and Informal was jeans.

The attempt to fix this by a proliferation of categories has only made things worse. In addition to the ones you mention, other bewildering terms are being tossed about by reckless hosts: Festive Leisure, Creative Black Tie, and heaven knows what else. Not only is there nothing correct about these, there is nothing helpful, either.

If people are still going to have to ask what these instructions mean, Miss Manners would think it a kindness to go back to Formal and Informal so they could ask the question one time and remember the answer.

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