DEAR MISS MANNERS: When a dear friend achieves tenure, what would be an appropriate recognition and/or gift?

GENTLE READER: A good book. Miss Manners assures you that it has been years since your friend was able to read something outside of his or her field.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife recently received a phone call out of the blue from a salesperson who wanted to make an in-home sales visit. He was very polite and introduced himself by identifying a friend of hers as the person who gave him her name and phone number.

My wife did not object to receiving the phone call despite the fact that she was not informed of this by her friend beforehand. The visit went well, and now my wife wants to refer the salesman to a number of her own friends.

I caution her that not everyone appreciates being called unexpectedly by salespeople. Although these are her own friends, it is still good etiquette to get their consent before giving their names and phone numbers to the salesman.

She disagrees. Do you think I am overreacting?

GENTLE READER: If your wife believes that no one objects to receiving unsolicited calls from salespeople, tell her about the Do Not Call List. There was a stampede to get on it by people who considered such calls to be a major nuisance in their lives.

But Miss Manners hates to take sides in marital disputes, and there is a simple solution here that should satisfy you both.

Your wife may have reason to know that her friends would be receptive. In such cases, she could give her friends the salesman's number, instead of the other way around.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother is getting married in a couple of weeks, and I have a friend who will be attending the wedding with his life partner. I am not sure what the proper etiquette would be for introducing a gay couple to other friends and relatives. Such as: "Hello, Uncle Al, this is my friend Peter from college. This is his life partner, David."

Would that be appropriate? In normal circumstances I would probably ask my friend ahead of time how he would prefer to be introduced, I'm just not sure if I will be able to get hold of him before the wedding.

GENTLE READER: These are normal circumstances, and the word in use is "partner." Given the statistical likelihood of any couple staying together for life, Miss Manners considers it foolhardy to add the extra word.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a last name which, when I introduce myself to strangers, inspires jokes. While not wanting to seem like a bad sport, I've spent my entire life hearing the same jokes and I am no longer amused. What is the appropriate response?

GENTLE READER: Not to be amused. Not even to pretend to be amused. Miss Manners has a firm rule against joking about people's names, but she is afraid that it is only when faced with a deadpan expression that people understand that this is neither as original nor as cute as they imagine.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As an educator in a graduate professional education program, I frequently invite guest lecturers. I've had two dilemmas:

The first lecturer informs the class that certain research has been cross-culturally "universally" validated. I know that the research was done only with males. Is it rude for me to bring it up? What if I won't have the chance to correct the information with the students on another occasion?

The second lecturer, an African-American female, presents views of her social reality that are disturbing to two white male students, who challenge her views and ask for statistics to verify them. When the lecturer cites her Ph.D., one student calls out, "I don't care about your Ph.D." and leaves the room. Should I, as host educator, have intervened, or would that have been paternalistic?

GENTLE READER: It would be paternalistic to treat an African-American female professor more protectively than you would any other guest lecturer. This brings us back to your underlying dilemma, which is that you feel torn between maintaining decorum and permitting debate.

Miss Manners is afraid that you, like many others, believe these goals to be incompatible. On the contrary, it is decorum that allows dissent to be aired, and it is your job to ensure both. Academic lectures should always allow debate, and decorum should always prevail, there as elsewhere.

In the first example, your own dissent was suppressed. There would have been nothing rude about your using the question period to ask for a demographic breakdown of the research.

The second was characterized by neither decorum nor debate. The request for statistics was reasonable, and the lecturer was rude in dismissing it by citing her credentials. At that point, you could have intervened by saying, "Of course, but we would all be interested in hearing your data."

Instead, the student turned rude. What you could have said after the student left was, "I apologize for the outburst. Now we would all be interested in hearing your data."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother's wife had an emergency C-section in her seventh month of pregnancy. She was carrying twins. One of the babies was stillborn, while the other is making promising progress.

What is the best way to acknowledge the joy of a new baby while recognizing their tremendous loss? They are planning a funeral for their one twin. I was thinking of sending them a bouquet of two kinds of flowers -- one for each of their sons. Any thoughts/guidance would be most appreciated.

GENTLE READER: You are right to acknowledge both events, but treating the birth and the death together strikes Miss Manners as if you are saying, in effect, "Win some, lose some." That is surely not the thought you intend to convey.

By all means send flowers to the funeral, although Miss Manners hopes that as the child's uncle, you can also offer more intimate support. The surviving child is also your nephew, and his arrival should be celebrated in the usual way -- with visits and a willingness to listen to endless reports about him. It is also customary to give a present, but that should be a toy, clothes or other baby paraphernalia, not a twin version of his brother's funeral flowers.

: