DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been an enormous fan of yours for a while. From my perspective, your works (online dating books in particular) make it easier to navigate the material barriers to say the technologically not savvy. I bring up barriers for a specific reason, as you shall read.

I met a woman at my best friend’s wedding. It’s his stepsister and we felt a connection pretty quickly. After giving me her number, three weeks passed, and we went on an introductory date which by all accounts was great. So the thing is, she is a mother, a divorcee with two kids and has a female roommate who helps with everything!

In my brief experience with one-and-two-week flings in college, I have not had a chance to date a single parent before in any capacity. On one hand, it feels objectively logical as I consider myself a somewhat emotionally mature person. My own family comes from part of the complication of divorce, stepparents, my grandfather working 6 months up in the arctic to send money back home to the kids (that’s Canada in the 60’s for you).

The key point is, without judging anyone divorced, my grandparents’ relationships and relationship mistakes made my father and mother’s relationship emotionally healthier. Not saying that divorce and big families are NOT healthy, but the challenges of big families of dirt-poor country folk, those challenges lead my own parents to make different decisions for my family that allowed us to develop a radical closeness and transparency that lead to my own self perceived emotional maturity and intelligence. Needless to say, I’m friends with my parents – so why can’t I be a friend to a parent in my age group?

Well, it’s one thing to have an experience and understand another person’s experience. So, I absolutely first of all respect that as this is a new relationship, I come second to this new person’s children. That is tantamount to my values and frankly, if she dropped everything to see me all the time, I would be very suspicious, especially since we just met each other.

Now that being said, we set up a time to have a voice call and the call never happened, and it was about a week and a half before she finally got back to me. I started to feel anxious because, you know, meet someone and there is suddenly silence. I was preparing for rejection, but in the back of my mind, given that it’s November and kids are germ bags, I figured “Well hold on, maybe something is up.”

Frankly, when I started to go down the road of what ifs, I thought to myself what if something catastrophic happened – but this is not to find a problem, it’s to assert in my anxiety that if something did happen – I can’t expect her to get back to me right away. I just want to make clear, I did not actually believe it, it’s just a way to shut up the “what if it’s me?” part of my brain.

So while I feel I have a handle on how to emotionally accept I’m second banana, I’m still going to face new challenges dating someone divorced with kids. Whether that be an ex-partner who makes life challenging for this person I’m seeing, the demands of raising children, limited time for dates or dates abruptly ending, or a different pace of intimacy, I’m curious as someone with little experience, what can I expect dating a single parent.

Appreciate the love.

First Time Mother Lover

DEAR FIRST TIME MOTHER LOVER: Right off the bat, FTML: accept that you know very little on the topic and that what you think you know isn’t necessarily going to apply. Your closeness and relationship to your parents – whom are in a significantly different stage of life – isn’t going to translate to practical or functional knowledge about connecting with a peer who happens to also be a parent. The foundational relationship is going to be profoundly different, and those credits just aren’t going to transfer. Recognizing that and not making a bunch of assumptions about what you can expect will make everything flow a lot more smoothly.

There’re two major branches of challenges when it comes to dating a single parent, FTML. The first is logistical; having kids means that they’re going to be the higher priority, which also means that your options for planning dates or seeing your sweetie are going to be contingent on what free time she has, what arrangements she can make and how much energy she may have.

 It also means that your plans are going to vary wildly based around factors that are outside of anybody’s control. Kids, especially young children, are chaos magnets and there is no way to meaningfully anticipate or prepare for all the ways that they could detonate your plans or dates.

The second challenge is to remember that, while yes, they may be a single parent, they’re still an individual. They’re an individual with a child or children, yes, but they’re a person, same as anyone else. Parent modifies person, it doesn’t transform them into an entirely different beast.

I mention this because people can overcomplicate otherwise fairly straightforward situations, especially if they’re young and/or haven’t had a lot of dating experience themselves. It’s very easy to get lost in the what-ifs of it all or the anxiety about “what it all means”, or what your potential partner wants or is looking for. There’re a lot of folks who worry that dating a single parent, especially if that parent has primary custody, means that they’re signing up for more than just, y’know, dating someone. There’s a common fear, especially when dating single mothers, that they’re looking for a new father, or that they’re going to be single-minded in looking for someone who’s ready to settle down right now.

Most of the time, this isn’t a factor, especially in the early days. Most single parents who are on the dating market aren’t looking for someone to help raise their kids or be an ATM with legs. More often than not, they’re just like everyone else – they want to go out, socialize and have a good time. Some folks are going to be looking for something committed and long-term, others are looking for something fun but not serious… just like people who don’t have children. And, quite honestly, the people who are interested in a committed relationship are more likely to want to take things at a measured pace before even hitting milestones like “introducing the new beau to their children”.

(For some, this also tends to bring up questions of “well, what if I want children of my own” or feelings about “raising someone else’s kids”, and the occasional “but if we get married, is she’s going to be open to having children with me” and it’s close cousin “…and will I favor my biological child over my stepchild?”, but this is also beside the point for you.)

With this in mind, I think you may be looking a little too far down the line from where you currently are with this woman. I can appreciate wanting to be ready for potential problems, but I think you should slow your roll a bit. If you’re too focused on what comes up down the line, you’re going to end up borrowing trouble from the future and missing out on things now… including more relevant, more pressing issues.

After all, these are early days, and I think that focusing on anything more than “I like her, does she like me” is putting the cart before the horse. You’ve had precisely one (1) date so far. I can appreciate wanting to game things out and to try to anticipate as many possible conflicts as you can, but frankly, you’re over your skis on this. Most of the challenges you’re likely to face when dating a single parent are things that are much further down the relationship track, and you’re not even on a second date yet.

I think the biggest thing for you is to focus on getting to know this woman as a person, with an emphasis on “are we even compatible?”, without getting too hung up on the ‘single parent’ label. You don’t know each other well enough to know her favorite drink, never mind what it would mean to have a relationship with someone who has two kids.  The biggest hurdle you’re facing currently is that any relationship with her, platonic or romantic, is going to necessitate more flexibility and a higher level of tolerance for sudden last-minute emergencies, rain checks and reschedules than on average. As I said: kids generate chaos and Murphy’s Law shall be the whole of the Law – whatever can go wrong probably will. Babysitters won’t be available, the kids get sick, there’re issues with school, extracurriculars, sleepovers, etc. that will likely blow a massive whole in even the most anticipated or best-laid plans.

You’ve already gotten a taste of how plans can go haywire when she missed the call you all had planned. You can expect to have more experiences like that going forward, simply because, well, kids. If that’s not something you’re able to handle, or that’s going to trigger anxiety weasels, then this likely isn’t going to be a good match for you. And to be clear: it’s fine if that’s the case. That doesn’t mean that you’ve done something wrong or that you’re insufficiently patient or mature; it just means that this is a price-of-entry that would be more than you would be willing to pay. And that is completely fair. You’re allowed to say that this would be a dealbreaker for you, even if it’s completely understandable.

It’s also important to note that while her children will dictate her availability, that doesn’t mean that you’re necessarily “second banana” or otherwise unimportant… or at least that you won’t be as this relationship grows and deepens. Having to give her kids priority in her scheduling or considering them when she considers choices in her life doesn’t mean that you’re lesser – which you kind of imply in your phrasing. 

I know that it seems sensible to go in with that attitude, but it also runs the risk of presuming to know her mind better than she does. Just because the kids may blow holes in your plans doesn’t mean that she doesn’t care, or that you aren’t a priority. It means that she’s in a position where the responsibility to her kids has to take priority, regardless of how she may feel about it. That’s something that will be less of an issue as the kids get older and have more independence, but that doesn’t take away from how she feels (or rather, would feel) for you.

Look at it this way: if you have to cancel a vacation because of a family issue, that doesn’t mean that the vacation was playing “second banana”. It means that some things take precedent over others, especially when you have a responsibility for them.  Don’t presume to know how she feels based on whether she has children or not; that way lies all sorts of mistakes.

Which actually brings me to my next point. There’s trying to be accommodating and then there’s turning yourself into a doormat for no good reason, and I think that’s a bigger issue for you right now.

See, you have run into an issue that I think warrants proceeding with caution – both in terms of her behavior, but also possibly you’re giving too much leeway over her being a single parent. And that’s her having apparently ghosted you on that planned call. In and of itself, that’s not that big of a deal. Or at least it wouldn’t be, if there hadn’t been such a gap between when you were supposed to hear from her and when you did.  

If I’m being honest, the fact that it took her a week and change to get back to you is more concerning than any potential pitfalls from being a single parent. It speaks more to how things are now, rather than what might happen in the future. Having to cancel or change plans last minute is one thing; a complete no-show and not even so much as a “whoops, sorry…” is another. I know how quickly s—t can go sideways, but one would think a quick text saying “hey, things came up, reschedule?” wouldn’t be out of the question. Even allowing for the most generous reading, that still strikes me as being inconsiderate on her part.

At the same time, there’s understanding that kids blow holes in plans and schedules, and being so understanding that you don’t even say “um, thought we had a call scheduled, everything ok?” I think a text to say “hey, what’s going on?” was warranted. You are allowed to point out that you had made plans, and she just breezed by them without a word or backwards glance. Yes, her time is often limited and you’re not necessarily going to be her top priority, but that doesn’t mean that you’ve given up the right to advocate for yourself, either… even if it’s just to say “hey, haven’t heard from you, what’s up?”

On the other hand, however, you don’t mention whether you reached out to her and got radio silence, or if you just decided to sit back until she got in touch with you, first. If you just decided to wait to hear from her, then you may have made things a little more fraught. Not hearing from you for a week and a half could well have made her wonder whether you were interested. If she realized that she completely flaked on calling you, but then realized she hadn’t heard from you since? I think she’d be justified in questioning how you felt about her. 

So, while I appreciate you might want to be understanding and wanting to go with the flow, it’s possible to err so far in trying to be reasonable and considerate that you end up causing more problems than you would have if you just said “um, hey, about that…”

So the TL;DR of it is: don’t worry about the “single mom” label until it’s more than just an issue about availability and logistics. Your relationship isn’t there yet and likely won’t be for a while. At the same time, don’t forget that you also have needs and you are allowed to advocate for those needs. And don’t presume to know her mind – and don’t act on those presumptions – just because she has kids. That way leads to taking actions that may not be warranted based on incomplete or mistaken beliefs, rather than how she actually thinks or feels.

Otherwise, take your time, get to know her and focus on the here and now. There will be time to focus on a future that’s further away than the next couple of weekends… but that time is not now.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve finally done it I’ve lost my virginity at the ripe old age of 26 and well turns out the feelings of inadequacy haven’t really gone away if anything new one started reappearing and creeping in. To give you some context about my sexual encounter, I was just very unapologetically open and very direct except for one tiny little thing: I’ve completely omitted the fact that I was older virgin because I wanted her to feel safe and comfortable and well what’s more so safe and comfortable than a man who’s had sexual experience than a virgin incel loser. I’m not gonna risk that if I tell her that especially because she’s older than me, quite conveniently attractive and I don’t know her history 100% but I can tell she’s definitely been around the block with people of all genders, mostly women. 

Overall, it was a very pleasant experience, I did not use porn as a tutorial, we communicated, and listened and we even snuggled and cuddled and gave each other kisses. But now that well ‘That happened’ a new insecurity just creeping in. That, well I still don’t feel like I’m enough, whether as a person or even as man.

Like, sure, no longer a loser virgin incel, but rather just a loser. I’ve wished probably had done too me earlier in my life just like every other normal well-adjusted person, to truly experience that young love and sexual connection when it was meant to like maybe 16 or 18 (note I was bullied and called a loser virgin incel since I was 14, gee who knew that definitely didn’t help out) like maybe losing it after prom (even though I didn’t go because once again I was a mess at that age) and I feel like I wanted to truly be a man I’d have be extremely hypersexual and sleep around with no strings attached, but I’m not that guy, I get attached I’m sappy and romantic and the two a conflating with myself. Especially these days where things seemed like they completely flipped where asking about woman about her history or body count is wrong and misogynistic but it’s a-okay too shame mock, ridicule and humiliate a man with little too no body count even from the most open minded and sex positive. Which is another fear of mine that I’m open about my little of experience or late blooming with other women they’re not really gonna get it or understand it. Like there isn’t an insult for women who are virgins like incel or loser, hell the word virgin as an insult stings 10X more if you’re a guy.

So how do I “Own” this lack of experience or “low body count” without any shame or fear or stigma? How do I know I’m not gonna be judged for it?

Sincerely, 

Just Got Started

DEAR JUST GOT STARTED: I’d say “congratulations on losing your virginity,” JGS, but it sounds like this has ultimately just caused more issues for you than anything else. This is precisely why I tell people that losing their virginity isn’t going to magically fix all their problems: because being a virgin was never and is never the issue. How they feel about themselves is the issue. Someone’s virginity, or lack thereof, is neither the cause, nor is it even the symptom; it’s just the excuse they have for beating themselves up. Take away the virginity issue – literally, in this case – and all that happens is that the same self-recrimination and self-abuse (er… as it were) just shifts gears and finds a new reason for why they’re a loser.

Case in point: you can’t even really enjoy having had sex! Now you’re busy beating yourself up because you should’ve done this before and how other people may no longer smell the unicorn bait on you but instead will smell the lack of experience instead. All that’s happened is you’ve transferred the supposed basis for your self-loathing from one cause to another.  

Now with all that preamble, I’m going to dip into the bag of Ask Dr. NerdLove Tropes and pull out the classic “you’re asking the wrong question,” because you’re coming to this with a fundamental misunderstanding of what you’re asking.

“Owning” something isn’t about how other people feel. Quite the opposite, in fact. Owning something about yourself, especially in this case, is about letting go of excuses and judgement. It means that you stop taking other people’s bulls--t beliefs onboard, to stop accepting bulls--t stigma as being valid and to take ownership of it – without excuses, without rancor and without judgement.

And if you want to be able to own having lost your virginity at a “later” age (which, frankly, isn’t that much later than the median age) or having only one sexual partner at this point in your life, then the first thing you need to start doing is to start letting go of the stupid bulls--t beliefs that you’re dripping all over your letter.

I mean, this starts literally right here: “I’ve completely omitted the fact that I was older virgin because I wanted her to feel safe and comfortable and well what’s more so safe and comfortable than a man who’s had sexual experience than a virgin incel loser?” This is an example (and there will be more) of how much time you’ve been spending on 4chan and Reddit and other hives of shame and self-hate and how many of your ideas are coming from other late bloomers. It especially drives home how few women you’ve either talked to or listened to on this issue (more on that in a second), because hoooo boy, whether a dude has had sex or not is not a marker of being safe. It ain’t incels who’re responsible for the majority of violence, including sexual violence, that women face.

Nor, for that matter, does having had sex mean that you’re going to be a comfortable or pleasurable partner. Having had lots of sex is in no way, shape or form a guarantee that someone is actually good at sex. It just means that they have had a lot of it. A guy with a hundred one-night stands under his belt isn’t automatically going to be better in bed than a guy with one partner who he’s been with for years. Hell, a lot of the time, that dude with one partner is going to be better in bed precisely because he’s been with one person for years; they’ve had time to work on communication and intimacy, connection and coordination. Guys who are mostly in it to hit it and quit it tend to not bring their a-game, if they bring any game at all; they’re out to get theirs and seeing as they’re probably not going to see this person again, why worry if they have a good time?

And then there’s this bit: “I’ve wished probably had done too me earlier in my life just like every other normal well-adjusted person, to truly experience that young love and sexual connection when it was meant to like maybe 16 or 18”. ��This is a tell. I have never seen anyone more obsessed with the idea that you’re “supposed” to lose your virginity by a specific age than dudes who have spent way too much time on 4chan. I hate to tell you this, but the idea that you’re “supposed” to lose your virginity by any point in your life is entirely made up and arbitrary. Sex isn’t more magical because you’re in high-school, nor is it more special because you’re a teenager. This is post-hoc romanticization of youth by people who miss being young, packaged and marketed to you in pop culture by people who want to leverage that nostalgia for money because they realized just how much of a driving economic force teenagers are. This isn’t a truism, it’s late-stage capitalism driven by the same folks who saw how much money The Breakfast Club made and decided to start making movies for teens.

And it’s not even true. While the median age for first sexual experience in the US is around 17-18, that age is growing, especially as more and more teenagers are waiting longer to have sex.

The reason why you feel like a loser is because you’re accepting that other self-proclaimed losers are correct. You’re beating yourself up in the name of other people’s bulls--t. This is entirely based around online f--kheads telling other online f--kheads that this is how the world works, despite actively avoiding ever actually participating in it. And it’s kind of obvious how much they’re making s--t up out of ignorance and speculation, because things like “Like there isn’t an insult for women who are virgins like incel or loser” is laughably false. there’s a whole host of terms, from “femcel” to “spinster”, “prude”, “old maid”, “crazy cat lady”, “frigid b---h” and more. And those are just the ones that I, a straight, cis hetero man, can come up with off the top of my head. Women can tell you even more.

The people who care the most about how many partners you have, or haven’t had, and the ones who are most likely to shame you for them, are other men, not women, and certainly not women you’re likely to date. While there’re always going to be women who buy into toxic ideas about masculinity and traditionally restrictive and hegemonic gender roles, I can promise you that the vast majority of women – and, again, especially any you would ever want to date in the first place – could not give less of a f--k about your number.

No, seriously. A recent survey from eHarmony – a dating app that caters to people who are much more likely to have Serious Thoughts about someone’s number of partners – finds that 3/4s of people do not give a f--k about how many people you’ve slept with.

In fact, I can tell you from personal experience that this isn’t how things work, nor does anyone care about your ‘body count’ (a term I dislike for many reasons). I have been on more dates and slept with more people than you’ve had hot dinners, and I can count on the fingers of one hand, with digits to spare, how many times the number of partners I’ve had has come up. And of those times, the number never mattered, whether it was low or high. The closest it had ever come to mattering was how many, not how few I had had, and even that was in context of how frequently I got tested for STIs. Otherwise, it was a data point, nothing more.  

Nothing has “flipped”, nor have things changed so that men are now the oppressed sexual minority or whatever. All you’re doing is telling me where you hang out online and how little attention you’re paying to voices outside that particular bubble, because hooo damn son, let me tell you: the idea that people have stopped shaming women for the number of sexual partners they’ve had is not the case.

In fact, the same slapdick s--tbird “influencers” who are telling guys that they’re losers for not getting laid are telling women they’re worthless sluts for having sex in the same breath. It is the work of seconds to find collective wastes of the 15 seconds it took to engender them calling women “damaged goods” or “depreciating assets” for “riding the cock carousel” and now they’re “worthless”.

And that’s before we get to the real brain trusts who think that sperm changes women’s DNA (I shouldn’t have to say this, but it doesn’t) or that having sex embeds the man’s DNA in her bones or some s--t.

No, while society has definitely made strides in recognizing women as sexual beings and not acting like sex somehow “degrades” them for having it, the idea that women are lessened by the amount of sex they have is still very much present in the culture and, in some circles, becoming stronger. It ain’t the sex-positivity movement that’s trying to end no-fault divorce pushing for “covenant” marriage, my guy. Nor are they the ones trying to restrict sex education, easy access to birth control and who have been fighting tooth and nail to criminalize most forms of reproductive health.

And by the same token, the people leading the charge for shaming men for not having enough sex are other men – again, many of them the same “influencers” telling women that they’re worthless whores. They’re the ones who are most invested in propping up the belief that a man’s value and status is not just inherent but external and based on things like how much ass he beats and how much ass he gets. The reason why “the word virgin as an insult stings 10X more if you’re a guy” [CITATION NEEDED] is 100% straight toxic masculinity, my guy. It’s other men telling you that your being a virgin is shameful or that only having had one sex partner means you’re worth less than others. That’s cultural in the same sense that a bunch of bacteria in a petri dish is culture, not some societal change to female supremacy.

They are the reason why you feel like a loser and why you’re worried that you’re going to be “judged”. It’s not that they’re correct, it’s that you’ve given them validity by accepting what they say as true. You are actively perpetuating it by continuing to carry water for them in your attitude, even when that very attitude hurts you. You are, in a very literal sense, hurting your own feelings over this, because you are coming to this from a position that they are right, that having slept with fewer than X number of people is shameful, and you are lesser for not having done so by now.

I mean, let’s game this out a bit. What number is it going to take for you to be a “real” man by those lights? How many people are you going to have to sleep with before you are no longer a “loser”? Two? Six? Ten? Twenty? A hundred? Is this even going to be achievable since your age of sexual debut was a little further to the right of the median age? Do you seriously think you’re going to be locked into eternal loserdom because you didn’t have sex before you were ready? Is the only answer to find a time machine and try to go back in time and try to get molested at the age of 12?

The thing is: there’s a part of you that knows that none of this s--t is correct. You even say in your letter that you feel like you’re supposed to be some hypersexual satyr when you’re not. The fact that you’re not isn’t a mark against you or a sign that you’re not “a real man”, it just means that you’re not someone who wants casual sex. You like romance and intimacy and connection and that is great! That’s perfectly normal, even desirable for many people! There’re lots of folks across the gender spectrum who prefer or require intimacy and emotional connection before they have sex or even want to have sex. They’re not weird, nor are they broken or losers, they’re just part of the incredible diversity of the human experience and human sexuality. Just as are people who sincerely want to--k a lot and people who don’t want to--k at all.

So if you want to “own” your current level of sexual experience? You’re going to have to start by recognizing that it is just a number. It is data, neutral in and of itself. It says nothing about you except that you have had one sexual partner, and your sexual debut was at the age of 26. That’s it. Any meaning that’s attached to that is entirely in the eye of the beholder, and the folks you are most concerned about either don’t exist or have no idea who the f--k you are or what your life has been. The people most invested in telling you what those numbers mean and using them as a cudgel are either trying to sell you something or trying to justify their feelings about themselves by dragging you back down into their misery with them.

If you want to own your sexuality, then you have to reject the belief that there is something shameful or bad about your experience or lack thereof. You have to be willing to accept that the age when you lost your virginity means nothing except that you were that age when you did. You have to stop being the willing accomplice to the very people who make you feel awful about yourself, for no other reason than because they told you that you should.

I know I say this all the time, but I’m going to say it again: get the f--k off 4chan, ditch the subreddits unsubscribe from manfluencer TikTok and Instagram accounts and stop wallowing in this toxic slop that you’ve clearly been soaking in for f--k knows how long. All you’re doing is perpetuating your own misery and the misery of others by tacitly agreeing that they’re right, despite them knowing absolutely nothing about you and caring even less.

And it’s especially not going to work if you want to be able to accept your own experience as being fine and normal but still perpetuating the idea that being a virgin is shameful or that not having many, many partners is the mark of a loser. You’re never going to fully escape it if you try to act like this is true of other people but isn’t true about you because REASONS.

Want to not worry about the stigma and judgement for your “low body count”? Then stop passively allowing it and start actively pushing back. Start calling people out for their bulls--t when they shame men for not having “enough” sex. Start telling people who use “virgin” as an insult to shut the f--k up and quit giving their beliefs oxygen in the first place. The change is going to have to start with you, but it can’t end there. If you want to not have to worry about feeling this way, then stop giving credence to the people who are invested in ensuring that you do.

Your number of partners – whether low or high – isn’t shameful. The age at which you lose your virginity isn’t an embarrassment, it is just a point in time. The shame only exists for as long as you allow it to and when you perpetuate it. If the people you surround yourself with are going to shame you for having one partner or having lost your virginity at your age, then it’s time to kick them to the curb with the rest of the trash and start spending time with a much better class of people.

But you’re the only person who can make those decisions. You can decide to believe that others are right and there’s something wrong with your being your authentic self… or you can tell those pant stains to f--k off until they can’t f--k off any further, then take a deep breath, summon up the will and f--k off beyond where anyone has f--ked off before.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Yes, It has happened again.

Me? Female, late 50’s, decent shape and doing my best with regular workouts to keep it that way (my massage therapist told me I’m built like a brick *%&^house).

Stuck in an emotionally abusive marriage 20+ year marriage with no sex (or any physical relationship) for the last 8 of it, I sought out and found a friend with benefits. Lust turned to love, gave me the kick in the ass I needed to end my marriage and my new partner and I moved states and try and build a new life together.

Three years later, here I am again… stuck without sex. We went from 3-4 times a day… to once every 3 months or so, and only if I’m lucky. Why, you wonder? He claims he loves me and still desires me and swears there is no one else (which I believe, he is currently unemployed and only leaves the house to go the gym, the store or to ride his dirt bike) – but the Excuses abound… “I’m too tired”. “I ate too much at dinner and I’m still full”. I’m just not in the mood” and the old classic… “I’ve got a headache”. I also got “you’re not in the shape you used to be”… I gained 10 pounds in the 3 years since we met. And I have since dieted and lost THAT. Still No change.

I mean, he KNEW I wanted regular sex. That is why we got together initially, for God’s sake. Now, I’m realistic – I know that first “can’t keep your hands off each other” phase is fleeting and I’m not expecting 3-4 times a day anymore – but is once or twice a week too much to ask?

Maybe there’s a physical problem, you might muse. He (mid 50’s) also promised me early on in our relationship (knowing my ex-husband was incapable and refused to do anything to remedy the problem) that if he was even unable… for any reason… he would RUN to a doctor to fix the issue. Well, you can forget about THAT – he now just says he’s sorry and I deserve better… but refuses to take any action at all. No doctor to see if there’s an issue, no trying Viagra, bluechew or anything else… just that weak apology and a vague promise to try and do better… which never happens.

So here I am… again. Leave him and get someone else? Not easy at my age. We aren’t married but we did buy a house together… and other than this, we have as good relationship. So… my choices are no sex, seemingly ever again… or uproot my life yet again to try and find someone new. Who, based on my experience, might turn out to be the same all over again.

So, I guess I don’t really have a question for you, Doc – just looking for some commiseration and to remind your readers that it’s NOT always the woman’s fault. Thanks for listening.

Sexless In Seattle

DEAR SEXLESS IN SEATTLE: This is a sucky situation to find yourself in SIS, especially when it’s the second time in a row. It’s really easy to wonder just what the hell is going on and why this keeps happening. It’s also a good reminder that sex and sexual desire is a complex beast, and that there can be a multitude of reasons why sex may dry up over the course of a long-term relationship.

Part of the problem when it comes to discussing loss of libido or sex drive or about mismatched sexual desires in a relationship is how often it runs headlong into the common narratives about what’s going on and why. These beliefs often get in the way of actually addressing the source of the problem – whether there’s a physical issue, a mental or emotional one or something happening in the relationship �– or even accepting that it’s a problem in the first place.

One of the more common obstacles is the idea that if there’s a sexual mismatch or lack of sex in a hetero relationship, that this is somehow the choice of the female partner and the fault of the male partner. This comes up a lot in these discussions: there’s a rapid assumption that the female partner is the one who’s not interested and that the male partner has done something to cause it. This is why so much of the advice starts, and often ends, with “have you considered doing more of the housework/ treating your wife/ etc.” rather than digging into what might be going on.

This surprisingly common assumption comes about because there’s still a tacit belief that men are satyrs, walking around with perpetual priapism and a willingness to stick it in anything that is warm and wiggles enough, while women mostly tolerate sex. So, if there’s an issue with sex, it’s ultimately something the woman is actively doing and the man is enduring. This blanket assumption – as you note – isn’t helpful and only tends to get in the way of finding actual solutions to the problem.

This tendency to equate constant masculinity with an almost pubescent sexuality, where even a stiff (ahem) breeze is enough to get a dude’s motor running, means that when there is an issue, men are far less likely to actually admit having an issue, less likely to accept that the problem is with their libido or ability to get an erection (two different issues entirely) and far less likely to seek out treatment when they do. Being less than in a constant state of hornt up means you’re less of a man, after all.

And that’s assuming that you can find people who are willing to treat this as a problem in the first place. Even today, we live in a very sex-negative culture and many of the “solutions” to mismatched libidos in relationships tends to be “well, if you didn’t want sex as much, it wouldn’t be a problem.”

This is equally unhelpful to everyone involved and only serves to make everybody frustrated and resentful. The partner with the higher libido (again, often assumed to be the man) is treated as though their natural desire is inherently a problem, while the partner with the lower libido gets to deal with the ongoing resentment of their partner. Everyone is frustrated, nobody is happy, and compromises and options get dismissed out of hand.

Now for your situation specifically, SIS, I absolutely understand how upsetting this could be. Coming out of an abusive relationship, where intimacy and connection were non-existent and into a relationship where you had the strong physical and sexual connection you want must have been like jumping into a cool pond on a hot day. So when that connection also fades and the excuses start, it has to feel like you’re right back in that abusive marriage that took you so long to leave.

I realize that you’re looking for commiseration more than asking a question, so what I have to say is as much for other people in your situation as it is for your relationship specifically. The struggle you’re having with this relationship is surprisingly archetypal; it’s something I’ve seen many times across the gender spectrum and often described in similar terms and with similar excuses and frustrations.

While I think the loss of that sexual connection is a problem, I think the bigger problem are the excuses. I don’t think your partner is necessarily lying, SIS, but I think that there isn’t a meaningful discussion about what’s going on.

This is why I think that you need to have an Awkward Conversation with him to get to the bottom of the issue. There’re a lot of potential causes, and some of them are the sort that are difficult to admit to. Having that talk, with an eye towards addressing things he might not necessarily want to have to say out loud for fear of what might happen, could go a long way towards identifying where the disconnect is happening.

One thing I wish you’d mentioned is whether other, non-sexual forms of physical intimacy have dropped off as well. If he’s not interested in sex, but he’s still generally affectionate with you and continues to have intimate physical contact – kisses, hugs, cuddling together, general contact and so on – that might point in one direction to potential reasons. If that physical intimacy has also dropped off a cliff… well, that would point things in a different but equally difficult direction.

One of the more obvious possibilities is that he might be dealing with depression or at a general emotional low point. Penises are divas, libido is often much more precarious as we age and both can fall off a cliff when circumstances aren’t exactly right. Depression – both “the blues” and chemical-imbalances-in-the-brain – is a known libido killer. You mention that your partner’s currently unemployed and doesn’t leave the house except to go to the gym or ride his dirt bike. Is there a correlation between when he lost his job and became more housebound and the drop off of sex in your relationship? Even if he’s not dealing with clinical depression, losing his job could be a trigger. A lot of men tie their self-worth to being The Provider; losing his job could well have been a serious blow to his sense of self and manhood, which would, in turn lead to potential ED and lower libido.

I would also double check whether he’s started (or stopped) any medications in the interim, especially of those correlated to his losing his job or his lack of sexual interest. A number of anti-depressants, especially SSRIs, are infamous for killing people’s sex drives deader than the dodo and for making it next to impossible to orgasm when they are interested.

The stress of it all – especially if his lack of a job is putting you both in a strained financial situation – could also affect things.

Another potential issue would be whether he doesn’t have a sex drive or if he’s dealing with an inability to develop and maintain an erection and he’s fobbing you off because he doesn’t want to admit that this is a problem. It’s often easier for men to pretend that they aren’t interested in sex or have reasons why they aren’t in the mood than to admit that Mr. John Thomas has been refusing to stand at attention. Admitting that Steely Dan is a little more Cotton-(One)Eyed Joe can feel tantamount to having to hand in one’s man card. And even if it’s not directly tied to his sense of masculine identity, simply admitting that he's getting older and isn’t having the rock-hard-ready-to-go boners of his youth can be difficult.

Yes, it’s absurd that vanity and a refusal to accept that time makes fools of us all is getting in the way of a satisfying sexual connection. Welcome to the male ego, especially when it comes to dicks. There’re reasons why all the ED medication ads talk in euphemisms about “confidence” and “self-esteem” and use imagery that suggest that men are still energetic and vital, even in middle-age.

The third possibility is that he’s lost interest in sex… either in general or – and I hate to say this – with you, specifically. It could be that this is a pattern with him; some people require a lot of sexual novelty, and many people find that they lose interest in a partner over time, every time. It could also be that, well, that aspect of his relationship with you has just run its course. It’s not that you’ve done anything wrong or that you could have caused this or prevented it in some way, it’s that, frankly, sometimes that just happens. The Coolidge Effect is well documented in mammals, and it hits some people harder than others. And admitting that – either out loud to you, or at all – may not be something he’s ready or able to do. Especially if he still genuinely cares for you and wants a relationship with you.

This is why I think carving out time for that Awkward Conversation is going to be important. Sitting down, laying out your side of things – how this lack of sex is affecting you, how it affects how you feel in the relationship, what needs are going unmet – then offering potential options and why you think that would make things better is part of it. But the other part, and the part that I would argue is even more important, would be giving him the space and opportunity to be open and honest about what’s going on with him. It’s much harder to admit to a problem if you feel like doing so would end up causing even more problems in the process… even if it means that the initial problem never gets resolved. It creates a nasty catch-22 that ensure that the only options available to you both are bad, while the potential, temporary awkwardness has more opportunities for finding relief and solutions.

And while it’s inherently impossible (and some would say dishonest) to promise not to have a particular reaction to something before you know what that something is, promising to be as non-judgmental and non-reactive as you can might be part of how you could give him space to open up to you about what’s going on in his head.

Yes, it would hurt to find out that he’s just not attracted to you anymore, regardless of the reasons, if that’s the case. But without actually addressing the rather flaccid elephant in the room, there isn’t any opportunity to actually move forward and try to find options for you both. Without discussing things, openly and honestly and without judgement or rancor, you aren’t able to decide if, perhaps, you’re willing to move to a more companionate connection, where your relationship is still based on love, affection, respect and companionship but where you’re allowed to have your needs met elsewhere. Or it may be that the relationship has run its course, and it’s time to move to the next stage of your lives – whether it’s together or separate.

But none of that can happen without the actual discussion, first.

As I said: you have my sympathies, SIS. It’s a frustrating situation to be in, especially when it seems to keep happening to you. Hopefully talking things out can go a long way to, at the very least, putting the anxiety weasels to rest and allowing you and your partner to address this and find a mutually beneficial solution.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com