Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When we host the Thanksgiving dinner, my sister-in-law is in the habit of asking to take home leftovers. In the beginning I didn't mind too much because she was a young single parent and I felt it was a small way to help her. Of course I also felt obligated to offer my brother-in-law to take some because he was still young and in college and I didn't want him to feel left out.

But then my husband's stepmother would ask to take home leftovers. By the time I dished out leftovers, there wasn't much left for us!

This year, my husband's family is coming over again, and I'm cooking the dinner (which I totally enjoy doing). But, as selfish as it sounds, I don't want to share leftovers. My husband and I work full time, we have a one-year old, and we'll be putting a lot of work into the dinner. Leftovers have become very sacred.

My sister-in-law is now in her early thirties, and my brother-in-law is on the verge of getting married, and I don't feel they need to take home more than what is offered at dinner. (They'll also be staying the night, so I'm sure we'll have turkey sandwiches while they're there).

Do you think it's rude of me to tell my sister-in-law, if she asks (my brother-in-law won't ask), that this

year we are not sending leftovers home with anyone?

GENTLE READER: It warms Miss Manners' heart to think of your family gathered at Thanksgiving, all squabbling over the leftovers, which you hold sacred.

If it were any other meal, Miss Manners would ask if you had tried cooking less food, but over-cooking for Thanksgiving seems to be a tradition. Sharing leftovers need not be. You can say, "But that's your lunch tomorrow" or "No, we're planning to make more meals out of them" or just "There isn't anything we aren't planning to use" -- but only if you promise to say it in a cheerful and uncritical way.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am in charge of planning an off-site meeting for my company, including a dinner at a local country club. I informed all attendees that jackets would be required for dinner, no tie. My CFO told me I should also include the proper attire for the ladies who would be attending the dinner.

My response to him was that it is typical to only indicate the attire required for gentlemen, and ladies always know what to wear. I followed with the example that on formal invitations "Black Tie" is indicated, but not "Black Tie and Evening Gown". Am I still correct in my thinking? Has a list of descriptions of acceptable attire for ladies been published that I have missed?

GENTLE READER: No. But not for want of trying. In the interests of even-handedness toward the genders, and because ladies have been known to get away with more (or rather, a lot less) than they should, clubs, restaurants and other organizations have tried to devise dress codes for ladies.

They are inevitably foiled by fashion. Gentlemen's clothing has been more or less standard for more than a century, but ladies' keeps moving. Those who tried to ban ladies' trouser suits soon found that these had become conventional. Miss Manners suggests telling the CFO that while he can direct the gentlemen, he will have to trust the ladies.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister-in-law always serves white potatoes for Thanksgiving. She already knows that my husband and I don't eat white potatoes, and we don't eat stuffing because it contains white bread.

When I offered to make whipped organic sweet potatoes at her house, she acted all offended and said she didn't have room for another cook in her kitchen (this is just an excuse).

We think it is incredibly insensitive to serve a dish she knows we don't eat, and then not let us contribute something in its place. My husband thinks we should just cancel and not go. Please say something to end this family dispute!

GENTLE READER: How about "No, thank you"? But that's for you to say -- and in regard to the potatoes, not the family occasion.

If your sister-in-law's entire Thanksgiving menu is white potatoes with bread stuffing, Miss Manners might agree that she was being spiteful. Otherwise, there ought to be something, if not plenty, for you to eat, which is hospitable enough, even on Thanksgiving. If you must pick a family feud, Miss Manners hopes you will find a better excuse -- and a better day.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: We hold open house every Christmas, inviting some people in advance and bringing others back from church with us -- just people we happen to see but hadn't thought of beforehand.

My question is about those who bring presents. They're not really supposed to, but a few people do. I'm always afraid of this embarrassing other guests, who might then think they were supposed to, and I also feel funny about accepting these presents because I'm not giving them anything (or I'd have to have something for everyone and the whole open house idea would be impossible).

Should I open the presents when they are given to me? Should I send those people presents afterwards? One other question: I invited some Jewish friends, and they said they couldn't come. Was it wrong to invite them -- were they offended because they don't celebrate Christmas?

GENTLE READER: Unless you can open the presents inconspicuously -- and how can you, with other guests to greet? -- it is better to put them aside and thank the people the next day, by note. You don't owe them presents; you gave them a lovely day. There is a whole range of reasons that your Jewish friends might have had for refusing your invitation -- from not wanting to participate in a Christmas celebration to having another Christmas celebration to attend. But however differently Jews, Muslims or others may regard Christmas -- from a religious holiday that they do not celebrate to a winter festival that they might -- they are all aware that it exists, and it cannot be considered offensive to mention it.

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