Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My exchange student and I were at a local chain eatery, and I was asking him to notice how friendly Americans are with each other, as compared to his native country of India, where our mutual experience has been consistently negative, to say the least.

Just as he had begun to nod in agreement and comment on how easy going we are as a culture, we suddenly realized that a woman at the table next to us was very upset. We didn't mean to stare, but it was impossible to ignore this woman's rant. Her voice cracked and raised an octave by the time she got to the point of her complaint.

Had her meal been prepared incorrectly or a staff person behaved unprofessionally, I could understand it. But she was screaming at the manager during the middle of Saturday lunch rush because she had hinted and hinted to their server that it was her 45th birthday, but no one from the restaurant's staff sang "Happy Birthday."

WHAT?! She's 45, not five. The manager didn't really know how to respond because it was such an odd issue -- one I cannot imagine has ever been surfaced previously. If you were the manager, what could you possibly respond with?

My student looked to me for an explanation ... but I had nothing. What can you say about a 45-year-old woman who isn't satisfied with the camaraderie of her pals or a delicious meal and would let the lack of insincere strangers singing something out of obligation wreck her entire birthday?

GENTLE READER: What Miss Manners would have said if she were the manager would be, "Oh, now you've ruined the surprise!" If probed further, she would have gone off shaking her head sadly and saying, "No, no, it's no use; it's ruined. But happy birthday anyway."

What you should say to your student is that you are sorry and ashamed about insulting his country. Every country has people who are rude, not to mention childish and nutty, so such generalizations are as meaningless as they are rude. And by the way, so is raising the voice to utter a reasonable complaint.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My partner and I are planning a commitment ceremony for next spring and want to send save-the-date cards to our friends and family. It seems that members of our extended families want an "explanation" for why we are bothering to plan a wedding-like ceremony that conveys no legal or financial significance. We know such an explanation would seem absurd if printed on the save-the-date cards of a heterosexual couple, but it seems necessary in our situation.

My parents already have encouraged the explanation to be printed, in order to save themselves from having to give the explanation verbally to those who would ask.

Should we print the "explanation" on the save-the-date card, if only to clarify that this is a wedding-like ceremony? (If so, can you suggest wording?) Or should we send a normal save-the-date card? What should we, or our parents, say to these not-quite well-wishers when they ask?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners strongly urges you not to make any such defensive declaration, printed or spoken. Anyone silly or impertinent enough to ask should be told that you are doing this because you both want to. Your relatives and friends didn't marry solely for financial reasons and legal benefits -- at least Miss Manners hopes not.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When we host the Thanksgiving dinner, my sister-in-law is in the habit of asking to take home leftovers. In the beginning I didn't mind too much because she was a young single parent and I felt it was a small way to help her. Of course I also felt obligated to offer my brother-in-law to take some because he was still young and in college and I didn't want him to feel left out.

But then my husband's stepmother would ask to take home leftovers. By the time I dished out leftovers, there wasn't much left for us!

This year, my husband's family is coming over again, and I'm cooking the dinner (which I totally enjoy doing). But, as selfish as it sounds, I don't want to share leftovers. My husband and I work full time, we have a one-year old, and we'll be putting a lot of work into the dinner. Leftovers have become very sacred.

My sister-in-law is now in her early thirties, and my brother-in-law is on the verge of getting married, and I don't feel they need to take home more than what is offered at dinner. (They'll also be staying the night, so I'm sure we'll have turkey sandwiches while they're there).

Do you think it's rude of me to tell my sister-in-law, if she asks (my brother-in-law won't ask), that this

year we are not sending leftovers home with anyone?

GENTLE READER: It warms Miss Manners' heart to think of your family gathered at Thanksgiving, all squabbling over the leftovers, which you hold sacred.

If it were any other meal, Miss Manners would ask if you had tried cooking less food, but over-cooking for Thanksgiving seems to be a tradition. Sharing leftovers need not be. You can say, "But that's your lunch tomorrow" or "No, we're planning to make more meals out of them" or just "There isn't anything we aren't planning to use" -- but only if you promise to say it in a cheerful and uncritical way.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am in charge of planning an off-site meeting for my company, including a dinner at a local country club. I informed all attendees that jackets would be required for dinner, no tie. My CFO told me I should also include the proper attire for the ladies who would be attending the dinner.

My response to him was that it is typical to only indicate the attire required for gentlemen, and ladies always know what to wear. I followed with the example that on formal invitations "Black Tie" is indicated, but not "Black Tie and Evening Gown". Am I still correct in my thinking? Has a list of descriptions of acceptable attire for ladies been published that I have missed?

GENTLE READER: No. But not for want of trying. In the interests of even-handedness toward the genders, and because ladies have been known to get away with more (or rather, a lot less) than they should, clubs, restaurants and other organizations have tried to devise dress codes for ladies.

They are inevitably foiled by fashion. Gentlemen's clothing has been more or less standard for more than a century, but ladies' keeps moving. Those who tried to ban ladies' trouser suits soon found that these had become conventional. Miss Manners suggests telling the CFO that while he can direct the gentlemen, he will have to trust the ladies.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister-in-law always serves white potatoes for Thanksgiving. She already knows that my husband and I don't eat white potatoes, and we don't eat stuffing because it contains white bread.

When I offered to make whipped organic sweet potatoes at her house, she acted all offended and said she didn't have room for another cook in her kitchen (this is just an excuse).

We think it is incredibly insensitive to serve a dish she knows we don't eat, and then not let us contribute something in its place. My husband thinks we should just cancel and not go. Please say something to end this family dispute!

GENTLE READER: How about "No, thank you"? But that's for you to say -- and in regard to the potatoes, not the family occasion.

If your sister-in-law's entire Thanksgiving menu is white potatoes with bread stuffing, Miss Manners might agree that she was being spiteful. Otherwise, there ought to be something, if not plenty, for you to eat, which is hospitable enough, even on Thanksgiving. If you must pick a family feud, Miss Manners hopes you will find a better excuse -- and a better day.

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