DEAR MISS MANNERS: How is one supposed to respond when the company Christmas gift to its employees is a donation to a charity in "our" name?

This seems like a cheap shot to make the company look conscientious and generous in "our" name. Plus I was angry that they would donate to a charity of their choice in my name. How can I state my distaste for this act without losing my job?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is afraid that there is no point in stating your distaste for this distasteful maneuver. Charities don't give refunds. What you want to do is to prevent its becoming a company tradition.

You and your co-workers should write a letter of thanks (oh, go ahead, it won't kill you) stating that you are glad the company recognizes its employees' interest in philanthropy, and -- for that very reason -- asking to be in on any meetings choosing beneficiaries. Or you could suggest a matching donation program, by which the company adds to any Christmas donations the employees choose to make.

Miss Manners warns you to be prepared to be told that this would make the process too cumbersome. And the answer you should prepare is, "In that case, we would prefer to go back to the traditional system, by which we each take our Christmas bonus from the company and decide how best to use it."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the length of time a person can take to send a thank you for a birthday gift, Christmas gift, or any gift for that matter?

GENTLE READER: Before the first enthusiasm for the present subsides, or just after the first disappointment does. However, Miss Manners sets the time limit at 20 minutes.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: As the manager of a restaurant, I witness appalling behavior from customers (and yes, I do admit from my staff as well) on a regular basis. However, nothing irks me more than when parents bring kids' meals from fast food places for their children to eat at the restaurant, soft drinks and all.

Although we serve ethnic food, we consider our restaurant to be family-friendly and we make an effort to serve our guests of all ages by including a special menu for children. Most kids really enjoy the food we serve.

What would be an appropriate action to take the next time I see this happening? I find bringing in fast food to a nice sit down restaurant to be awfully offensive, and I also feel that they are depriving their children the chance to explore their taste buds and expand their horizons.

GENTLE READER: What you need here is a corkage fee. "Ah," the waiter should say to the children in a tone that is in no way condescending, "I see you brought a picnic." And then he should whisk it away, being sure to mention to the parents that there will be a service fee for serving it.

Miss Manners would like to see you turn this into a pleasant and educational experience for the children. Their food should be prettily set out on plates and served with a flourish. And the waiter should address the children respectfully, saying, "Here you are, sir, miss," and adding, "I've brought you a little something extra, on the house." That would be a small taste of any specialty of yours that generally appeals to children.

Yes, the parents will be annoyed at the fee. But the children will be clamoring to return, and we all know who prevails in that sort of conflict.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother and his family come to our home each year for Thanksgiving weekend, and my husband and I aren't used to kids around that much. My husband loudly expressed what he would and would not let the kids do if they were his. He "joked" about how much he was looking forward to peace and quiet again. My brother noticed and "joked" several times that we'd sure be happy when they left.

As the hosts, I feel it's rude of us not to have our guests feel completely welcome. It's not our job to raise their kids or tell them how to do it or expect that they will do it the way we were raised 40+ years ago. I think they are really normal, active kids.

I told my husband he was rude to my brother and his wife. He says I didn't stick up for him. What is the role of a host to a family whose kids that don't act like your theoretical perfect kids would act -- (especially since we have no first-hand experience in child rearing)?

GENTLE READER: Your husband does not seem to have needed your help when he successfully made your brother feel that his family was unwanted in your house. Even hosts whose houses are under physical siege from unrestrained children have to pretend that they are only concerned about the safety of their young guests, not about their upbringing. In any case, Miss Manners recommends that you explain to your husband that insulting your guests is not the way to demonstrate a commitment to proper behavior.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My significant other who I have been together with for two years has recently moved in with me and put his own house up for sale.

I feel confident we have a future together, and we have discussed marriage. He has indicated that while not quite ready for that final step yet (has been married twice before and is gun shy), his intent is to marry me within a year or two. He believes his moving in and selling his house should be indicative of his intent. All his friends, family and I believe him to be an honorable man. However, there has not yet been a formal proposal or ring.

I would very much like to at least get engaged and move this process along. Willing to be patient for a limited amount of time but not forever, all of which has been explained to him.

Etiquette issue: My partner is a very successful businessman and we attend numerous social events which his firm sponsors. Several times, well meaning acquaintances and colleagues have loudly asked us when we are getting married, isn't it time, etc. I believe they mean to be "helping" me by putting pressure on him to "do the right thing." This is mortifying for me and embarrassing for my friend.

What would be a good comeback to such comments or questions? I don't want to brush it off as not being important to me (thereby letting my friend off the hook too easily) but I also don't want to have to debase myself by talking about something so personal to people I (and we) are not that close to. Do you have any ideas about what I could say?

GENTLE READER: Arguing with nosy people who think they are being helpful only prolongs the embarrassment, and ignoring them allow the embarrassment to hang in the air uncontradicted.

Oddly enough, however -- you will have to trust Miss Manners on this -- treating impertinent advice with apparent respect stops them dead. The idea is to stare at them in silent amazement, and then say, "Married? Us? It's an idea, isn't it? Maybe that's something we should talk about -- privately."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For our Thanksgiving dinner this year, we drove a total of about 3-1/2 hours. After checking into the hotel, we arrived at 1 p.m. at our cousins' home. About an hour and a half after arriving, we were offered a nice plate of shrimp and some cheese crisps. From then it was another 4-1/2 hours until we sat down for dinner at 7 p.m. After dinner we waited until 9:45 while the hosts cleaned up the dishes before desert was served.

Am I nuts or is this just totally off the mark on how to treat the guests?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners supposes it depends on how thankful the hosts want their guests to be when food finally appears.

In regard to the late start, she supposes that your cousins misread the directions on the turkey. For deserting their guests to clean up, there is no excuse.

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