DEAR MISS MANNERS: A glass of Chianti, or perhaps even an Amarone, is a fine accompaniment to the pasta della casa at a fine Italian restaurant. The wine rounds out the meal, the clink of glasses adds to the ambiance, and the mood at the table mellows in warmth and tranquility.

Alas, then what is one to do when one cannot well tolerate alcohol, and when one's dinner partner insists that one drink to be sociable?

Although I love the taste of a fine red wine, more than half a glass makes my face red, and a few evenings like this results in a rash. Can the other person really not enjoy himself or herself if I do not partake of the wine, too (could I have a tea or water?), and am I committing a serious social faux pas?

It puzzles me why a set table and pleasant conversation are not enough to be sociable, and I certainly don't require the other person to drink the same thing as myself.

So as not to spoil the mood, sometimes I accept splitting a bottle of wine, but my glass sits nearly untouched during the meal except for a few obligatory sips. It is such a waste, especially if the dinner companion cannot finish the bottle alone.

Could Miss Manners please enlighten me as to a gracious way to excuse oneself from drinking alcohol while still maintaining the pleasure of one's company so as not to deter the dinner companion from future dinners together? Or is it a lost cause, and ardent drinkers cannot socialize with nondrinkers?

GENTLE READER: No one should socialize with tabletop bullies, neither the kind of bullies who try to force people to eat more than they want, nor the even worse ones who try to force others to drink. That is the social error, no matter how it seems to be disguised with conviviality and hospitality.

It puzzles Miss Manners that you seem to want to hang on to someone whose evening would be improved if only you were willing to complete it by suffering a rash. There is no compromise to be made with your comfort, perhaps your health, or with etiquette. The gracious manner of declining food or drink is, "No, thank you," and the gracious, not to say decent, response is to let it go at that.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: ?My job requires me to contact and schedule service calls for our customers. The area in which I work is a melting pot of the world, and a lot of the names of my customers are very difficult to pronounce. Sometimes I don't even know where to begin.

I was raised to call people Mr. and Mrs., and I have always used that in the workplace with my customers; however, I struggle with these unfamiliar names! Is it more polite to call and attempt to pronounce their name as I butcher it or use their first name (which is also sometimes difficult to pronounce)? I don't want to offend any of our customers.

Up to this point, I've been crossing my fingers that I get an answering machine or just announcing myself when the phone is answered and hope I have the right person. What is your advice?

GENTLE READER: That you check the pronunciation with someone who is sure to know. It should be easy, as Miss Manners notes that you are calling that person anyway. You need only follow your identification of yourself and your business by saying, "Sir (or Ma'am), I don't want to mispronounce your last name -- could you please tell me how to say it?"

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am 15 years old and I babysit for a family. I like babysitting for them, and love the little girl, but lately they have started paying me much below minimum wage, like $4 a hour! Until I am 16, I want to babysit for extra money.

I would love to stay babysitting for them, but I don't feel it is worth my time if I don't get paid very well. How can I tell them to pay me more? This is my only job until I can get a real one, so I'm not making as much money as I would like to.

GENTLE READER: Who is?

More to the point, you are not making what you reasonably expect to make. But evidently your employers do not realize that.

Miss Manners understands that you feel funny about mentioning what you charge because it seems rude. But the ban on discussing money matters does not apply to business. If you want to buy something, you want to be told what it costs. The next time these people call, you need only say politely, "I'd love to, but you should know that my rate is..." and give the amount.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I fear this sounds silly, and indeed I consider it so myself, but is there actually any rudeness in not holding a big wedding when one can afford it?

As soon as our engagement was announced, my fiance and I started fielding questions from friends about when and where the wedding will take place, always with the assumption that they would be invited.

The truth is, we will probably go to city hall with our parents and a handful of very close friends as witnesses, then go get celebratory ice cream sundaes. When we try to explain we won't be having a big ceremony and reception, many seem to take offense and consider us cheapskates.

That's the thing, you see -- theoretically, we could afford a giant wedding, but neither of us would enjoy such an event, nor would we consider that good use of our savings. I know it's possible to hold a reasonable, tasteful reception on a budget, but it requires enormous amounts of time and planning, and I must admit that organizing social events makes me terribly anxious and I dread the very thought.

The way I see it, we can either hire someone to plan everything, and spend more than we'd like, or organize it ourselves and thus make ourselves miserable, or have our tiny dream wedding and send our friends a postcard from the honeymoon.

Is it actually rude not to hold a reception? You'd think friends would be grateful to be spared another night of bad catering, not to mention the cost of travel, attire, and gifts!

GENTLE READER-- Perhaps your friends are so overcome with love for you and pleasure in your marriage that they long to witness it. In that case, you might consider a wedding that is big in the guest list but otherwise simple- an afternoon ceremony followed by ice cream sundaes and wedding cake, for example.

Miss Manners does not believe that is the reason you are being importuned any more than you do. Now that weddings so often comprise multiple extravagant events, people have come to regard them as festivals put on for their entertainment. You do not owe them that. Her only addition to your plan is to suggest that you refrain from announcing it beforehand and describe it in your postal cards as an elopement.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: While attending a formal dinner hosted by my boss at his home, I may have committed a faux pas while attempting to avoid one. My sainted mother taught me that manners are to make other people comfortable and to take my cue from the host or hostess when attending events, as well as not pointing out the failings of others.

At the table, the place settings were set with three forks for three courses. When the second course was served, my boss began using the "wrong" fork. Recalling mother's teachings, I followed suit so as not to cause any embarrassment or unease for the host, especially as he was seated immediately to my left. The gentlewoman seated to the right of me gently kicked my leg and whispered that I was using the wrong fork.

It was a difficult moment being caught between using the correct fork to ease her concerns and using the fork as dictated by the host so as to avoid any embarrassment to him. Because it appeared the guest was more concerned about it than the host appeared to be, I chose to use the correct fork and thanked her.

Should I have ignored the host's use of silverware from the beginning to avoid the subsequent problems of kicking and whispering? Or should I have persevered in my use of the fork as dictated by the host?

Alas, there was no hostess who might have broken the deadlock. What does the well-meaning person do when caught in a situation where proper manners may also cause discomfort?

GENTLE READER: What a ghastly dinner party this must have been, with all of you monitoring one another's eating habits. Didn't anyone at the table know how to make conversation?

Miss Manners realizes that people think she lives for opportunities to humiliate someone for the crime that so rattled you and the other guest. It must therefore come as a shock to hear that at dinner parties, she looks into the faces of other guests, not into their plates.

Your well-meant gesture was silly because it assumes that your boss does not know enough about flatware to set his own table correctly, and yet was watching what you did and would have been mortified if your choice of forks was different from his. That would have been a strange combination of ignorance and vigilance.

Of course, you had an example of that in the guest who was checking up on you. As your sainted mother would have understood, that was the greatest rudeness committed at that meal.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A co-worker has confided in me (and many others) that she is having an affair with a man "who has not yet left his wife." Most people are disgusted, but she seems blissfully unaware. I wish to be nonjudgmental, but I can't tell her this is a good thing. I want to scream that she is a fool and he is scum, but I realize Miss Manners would probably disapprove. I'm tempted to say nothing and just do the eye roll.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners even disapproves of the eye roll. She doesn't mind your being judgmental, which that most certainly is, but she minds its being expressed rudely. The polite way to show disapproval is to say gently, "I really would rather not hear about it."

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