DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a sophomore in college, working toward an Asian Studies major. Since I started learning Japanese and Chinese, I began taking notice of Chinese characters on T-shirts, tattoos and other places. I do not know all possible characters yet, but I do know many commonly used words and a few not-so-common ones that I've managed to recognize.

One day, I had a conversation with a nice lady who happened to have a tattoo on her upper arm. When I mentioned my major, she brought up the tattoo, but I quickly realized that the tattoo didn't say what she thought it did.

She told me it said "butterfly," but I knew it actually meant bird. I didn't point this out, but felt a little guilty for letting her continue to think it meant butterfly. Another time, a man told me the tattoos he had on his forearms said "love" and "hate." "Love" was correct, but instead of "hate" the character said "bad."

Sometimes I'll see shirts, occasionally very fancy ones, with entirely nonsense phrases on them. In one instance, there was a very large, muscular man walking around with the character for "woman" on his chest.

Also, I have seen some places that offer temporary tattoos whose listings are completely wrong (I have never been in an actual tattoo parlor), such as listing "heart" as "love" and vice versa, or writing "peace" with only one symbol (it's a two-character word, and the first character alone, as I often see it, just means "flat"' or "smooth").

I tried speaking to the manager of one place about this, figuring it better to get it straightened out with him rather than the people who buy the tattoos. I explained what was wrong and showed him examples from the pocket dictionary I have, but he said that it was the list they got from their supplier, and he couldn't do anything about it.

I know there's no tactful way to approach a stranger about this, but if I'm talking to someone, such as the lady I mentioned, is there any way to point out what I read the character as?

Can you please explain to your readers the importance of being sure what a character says before buying the shirt or getting it permanently etched into their skin? It's not very hard to find a reliable source: Many large bookstores offer Chinese or Japanese dictionaries.

GENTLE READER: The key word here is "before." While Miss Manners appreciates your desire to rescue people from the danger of being misread, your instinct about not correcting the would-be Madame Butterfly was even kinder. What exactly would you have expected her to do about it?

One rule about correcting others is that you do so only if the error is something that can be easily and immediately remedied -- the Spinach on the Tooth rule. Another is you not shame innocent people by demonstrating that you know more than they do, in this case, the customers.

Those who sell misleadingly are not innocent, and since they don't seem to care, you might direct your efforts to their suppliers. But even then, Miss Manners recommends proceeding with polite caution. She is given to understand that these are not always one-on-one translations, and correctors are notoriously in danger of encountering more knowledgeable correctors.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My ex-husband's girlfriend miscarried her first pregnancy, and is now pregnant again. It is well known in the community that she was my husband's mistress prior to our divorce. What is the proper response to those who ask me how she is doing?

GENTLE READER: "Better than might be expected."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Any rules on how to answer the phone when (thanks to caller ID) we know who's calling? Seems to me it can be offensive to answer by saying "Hi John," but it's downright dishonest to pretend to be surprised. Any way out of this dilemma?

GENTLE READER: You will forgive Miss Manners if she sees this as an etiquette question, not a moral dilemma. It is not a betrayal of principle to allow a caller to identify himself, and it is perfectly polite to say hello without sounding astonished. Besides, any surprise you may register at hearing from that person need not have worn off by then.

That said, the time is rapidly approaching when it will seem natural and reasonable to greet a telephone caller by name (presuming it is an individual telephone, not a shared one), just as it is to recognize a person who is standing at your door when you open it -- or look through the peephole.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My father has a fast-moving case of Alzheimer's. It's absolutely devastating. In three years, he's gone from working in a high-tech job and being sought after both at work and in the neighborhood for his broad knowledge and expertise to not knowing where he's going to spend the night (and being fearful about the possibilities).

I've been struck by the extent to which social interactions matter to him. Dad might have forgotten many things, but he still knows how to observe social conventions, and this is an area where he can still succeed. What may seem like shallow small talk is the best Dad can manage right now, and for him it's a deep and affirming connection.

Unfortunately, most people shrink away from contact with Dad. In a way, it's understandable because contact with him does require accommodation. The people who do best with him (bless their hearts) are the ones who have good manners to fall back on.

Dad might not know who is greeting him, but he knows he likes to be greeted and have his hand shook while someone is looking him in the eye. He may be confused, but he knows when he's being treated like a child or treated as if he's not there. His feelings are more important now than ever because he can't balance them with reason.

Family members and friends are just about the least likely to treat Dad with warmth, I suppose because of the pain they feel at seeing the change in him.

Watching Dad has shown me, again, what a powerful place manners have in our lives. They provide an operating blueprint for many difficult situations. For anyone looking for advice on how to visit with someone suffering from Alzheimer's, I would suggest greeting them as if they were a stranger you wanted to make a good impression on. Let them take the lead on any topics that don't fall into the category of small talk. Act friendly, because the friendliness will matter more than anything you say.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners thanks you for making this extremely important point. Contrary to popular belief, manners are far from superficial. Once ingrained, they become part of people's humanity, as demonstrated by your father's retaining them when so much else has gone. That they can be a vast improvement on natural behavior is shown by the natural behavior of people who care for him and yet shun him, as opposed to those who have the courtesy to continue the relationship.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a young lady in my first year of law school. Often when I tell people this, their response is to comment on the cost of tuition at elite schools and hypothesize on the number or amount of loans that I will have when I graduate.

These sorts of comments make me very uncomfortable, as I would rather not discuss my personal finances with people who I often have just met. Moreover, as I am in the fortunate position of being faced with virtually no debt coming out of school, I find that I have no response to their inquiries. I assume that Miss Manners would consider me responding with, "Don't worry because I'm filthy rich" bad manners.

I know that these sorts of comments are more often then not meant as off the cuff remarks intended more for the purposes of conversation than offense, but I have been brought up to believe that it is inappropriate to discuss finances with people whom one is not well acquainted with. Is it wrong to find these sorts of comments off-putting, and am I wrong to wish that people would not make such comments? Is there an appropriate way to deal with inquires about finances, other then a wry smile and an awkward pause?

GENTLE READER: If you dislike the unfiltered remarks people make when hearing that you are in law school, wait until you hear what they say when you are a lawyer.

Miss Manners is afraid that a great deal of casual conversation consists of the first things that pop out of the tops of people's heads without passing through the brain. Sort of like most e-mail.

Lawyer jokes are especially popular among those devoted to cliches, although every profession attracts its share of derogatory remarks. So perfecting the awkward pause might be useful.

Miss Manners recommends a mirthless smile, rather than a wry one. The corners of the mouth rise, but nothing else on the face moves. The pause created by not responding should be awkward only for the person who made the awkward comments.

However, if you feel you have to say something, here are two suggestions:

"Education is expensive, isn't it? I don't know why anyone bothers."

"You're so kind to worry about me. I think I'll manage, but I'll keep you in mind if I run into trouble."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My grandmother received a phone call from her late husband's brother's wife this week. She tells my grandmother that her husband would like the set of china back that he gave to my grandmother and grandfather as a wedding gift 60 years ago. He brought the china back from Germany while in the service, and he wants to give it to his children. He did not tell this to my grandmother directly, he had his wife tell her.

Is my grandmother (and everyone around her) correct in feeling that this is a rude request and a gift is a gift -- you don't get to ask for it back? Please shed some light on this subject.

GENTLE READER: It is a harsh light, Miss Manners warns you, and it reveals more etiquette violations than the one you mentioned.

Not only is it wrong to ask to have a present returned, but it is wrong to angle for an inheritance, and a premature one at that. Your grandmother should refuse to discuss any such thing by saying that she is still eating from these plates.

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