DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received the following in the mail last week, and I'm not sure what I'm to do. (The names are changed for privacy, the rest is word for word.)

Lisa Ann along with the memory of

the Late Christopher Luke Castle

and Cathy R. and Hamilton Fenton

are proud to finally announce

the marriage of

Louisa Anne Castle

to

Stanley Sean Fenton

Luanne and Stan will unite

their devoted love and affection

which began twenty years ago

in a private ceremony

on (date but no time or place)

Because you are so far away

and can not be with us to celebrate our union,

we wanted you to know of our marriage and

hope you will wish us well and think of us

on our happy day!

It arrived in a single envelope about five weeks before the event. Don't you usually send out announcements after the event? I'm so confused. Is this just a request for a gift?

GENTLE READER: It is hard to say just what this is.

A sigh of relief from beyond the grave of a father who can stop spinning because his daughter's 20-year courtship has progressed to marriage? A presumptuous refusal, by the hosts on behalf of the recipients, in response to an invitation that has not been issued?

And what went on in that private ceremony 20 years ago?

Miss Manners is at least sure that it is not either a proper formal communication or a proper informal one, since it uses the formal third-person style without honorifics and with informal nicknames. But that revealing, if split, infinitive, "to finally announce," certainly provides more emotional information than can be found in the usual bland forms.

She would not, however, assume that it is a request for a present, even though many people assume that to be the prime motivation for marriage. Nowadays the greedy express themselves explicitly, enclosing written demands for cash or specific dry goods. Let us assume, instead, that the timing was simply as misguided as the wording. You need send the couple only your good wishes.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am head of an environmental organization that values sustainability and using resources as wisely as possible. I am frequently invited to speak to civic organizations or sit on panels, after which I am provided with a thank you gift such as a mug or plaque with the organization's mission, or recently a frisbee with a newspaper's name and slogan.

I usually do not want this gift, partly because I do not use the item but also because I don't want to have the waste of owning an item I do not plan to use and can't be donated as they have little value. Is there a gracious way to decline a thank you gift without offending the kind individual who is making the offer?

GENTLE READER: Leaving that person standing there, holding on to an object you have just pronounced useless, in front of an audience whose organization it symbolizes?

Miss Manners is afraid that there is no way of doing that which would not be rude and embarrassing. The object is yours to put to whatever use you can find for it. It might assuage your misgivings if you learned to think of rudeness as a pollutant, which you should refrain from spreading.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have three sons, two of whom are married and one about to be. If they come to dinner (invited or drop-in) at our house, is it appropriate for the "girls" to either sit at the table or exit the room with the guys while I am expected to clean everything up?

The guys feel they are guests and should not HAVE to clean up. I feel that this is a home, not a restaurant, and they should at least make the offer since I fixed all the meal.

I was raised to help out. Who is correct? Please don't put gender into this since the sons are mine. Most guys including mine hit the other room.

GENTLE READER: Don't put gender in it?

Sorry, Miss Manners didn't mean her voice to get that high-pitched. She will pull herself together and give your question a try in your terms.

Here is the situation as you related it:

You were brought up to help out. You did not bring up your three children to help you out. Now you allow them to get away with declaring themselves guests in your house (although with privileges of dropping in for a meal, which guests don't generally have) and to hit the other room, as you put it, while their mother does all the work. Your complaint is that this privilege has been extended to their mates.

Why do you object? Perhaps it is because these people were brought up the same way you chose to bring up your children. Or perhaps it is because as additions to the family, they are following your children's lead about what is expected in your household.

Please be so kind as to explain to Miss Manners why you question their behavior when you do not question the identical behavior in your own children. Oh, and don't forget to leave gender out of it, just as you instructed.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How can I, a person with a number of food allergies, politely ask ?what is in an appetizer, meal, dessert, etc., in social situations?

I ?have tried the "Oh, it looks delicious ...what's in it?" approach; ?however, this does not always work. "Trust me, you'll love it," says ?a host eagerly waiting for me to take a nibble and agree.

GENTLE READER: As an advocate of discretion on the part of guests with food restrictions, Miss Manners has to admire your subtlety. She hates to admit that there is such a thing as being too subtle, but you seem to have achieved it.

The goal is to avoid undue demands on the host as well as medical emergencies, religious and ethical transgressions and, not least, excessive talk about food. Your host could have supposed that you were acting from mere culinary curiosity, which he is not obligated to satisfy.

The succinct response to "Trust me ..." should have been a pleasant but firm "Trust me, I do need to know. I'm allergic to ...." Followed, if necessary, by an equally pleasantly delivered, "You really don't want me to spoil this lovely party by your having to call the rescue squad."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have hosted our family's Thanksgiving dinner for more than 30 years, and when it comes to sharing the leftovers, there is always an abundance of vegetables, breads and desserts, but never enough turkey.

I could never bring myself to say no, so I have come up with a simple solution that leaves everyone happy, including my husband: I cook two turkeys. One to share and one to serve.

The sharing turkey is cooked through the night, then completely carved the next morning. I place it all in a roasting pan with drippings in a warming oven while we eat. Each person comes with their own dish or plastic bag and helps themselves. It works beautifully for us and it might work for others with the same problem.

GENTLE READER: Far be it from Miss Manners to dispute a family arrangement that is, you say, working beautifully. But while she appreciates your desire to be useful beyond your family, she frankly hopes that there is not a wide need for such a solution.

On a day dedicated to feeling gratitude for one's blessings, has it become customary to squabble over the leftovers? Are people who have the honor and pleasure of attending a ceremonial feast entitled to feel aggrieved if they are not given a take-out meal as well?

If this is what things have come to, we might as well give up the misleading name of Thanksgiving and declare a national Gimme Day.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am wearing a sleeveless (though not strapless) wedding dress for my evening wedding. I am dying to wear opera gloves, but I hesitate because I do not know what do to during the exchange of rings. I recently read that the proper procedure is to unbutton the three buttons of the mousquetaire and neatly roll or fold back the hand of the glove, which may then be tucked into the wrist.

Is this correct? If so, can you please give some pointers on how this folding is done? I have searched in vain for a photo or drawing. Also, should the hand of the right glove also be rolled back to match? Should the hand or hands remain exposed in this manner during the remainder of the ceremony and reception, to show off my newly be-ringed hand? If both hands are exposed, am I still required to remove the entire glove while eating?

I have found a beautiful pair of vintage ivory kid leather gloves. If you will instruct me in the proper etiquette, I promise to wear them.

GENTLE READER: And you must promise to take them off when you eat. The fold-back compromise, which consists of turning the empty and therefore flat fingers of the glove back under the wrist part, is not incorrect. But the fastidious (among whom Miss Manners counts not only herself but anyone who throws around French glove terms) do not care for it. It makes for lumpy wrists.

The preferred traditional method for brides was to slit the palm-side seam under the ring finger so that the finger can wriggle out at the appropriate time and receive its ring. The glove is secured before and after by the cap on the fingertip. You may wear your gloves when receiving guests at the reception and when dancing, and even use the fold-back method for holding a drink.

But lumpy wrists are not the only reasons for removing them entirely when you eat. There will be your own desire, even more than others', to stare at the ring, not to mention the cost of cleaning food stains from kid gloves.

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