DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been a seriously disabled woman for a great many years. My life is sad, complicated and a very big disappointment. My question is not about how to deal with it, but how to deal with certain kinds of questions.

When people that know me ask how my holiday was, or how my weekend was, I hate to lie to them, and say that it was fine when I know that they know better and yet, I really don't want to discuss it. I live it and don't want to listen to the litany myself. If it bores me, how must others feel?

What can I say that won't make people feel that I am either lying or in some way making them feel bad for an honest question with a fraudulent answer?

GENTLE READER: Ah, but it is not an honest question. Nor is it a dishonest question. True and false are not the only possibilities in human discourse.

Miss Manners would like to introduce you to the concept of conventional expressions, designed to indicate good will but not meant to be taken literally. People who don't understand this, and snap back at "Good morning" with "What's good about it?" make themselves tedious.

The conventional greeting is followed by a conventional inquiry -- "How are you?" "How y'doing?" or the ones you get about weekend or holidays. The conventional answer is "Fine," but if you still object to that, you could say, "Oh, as usual. How was yours?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a 4-year college degree. I tend to work in fields where I am the only one with any college at all, so I don't mention the degree. If I have to refer to that time in my life for some other reason, I might say "in school," deliberately giving the impression that I'm referring to high school. Sometimes it comes out: Someone will ask directly if I've gone to college, or of course my boss knows and might mention it.

I find it makes my co-workers uncomfortable. Suddenly everyone is saying that they could have gone to college but chose not to, or that they don't think "book smart" is of any particular value in life. On a later occasion, someone might say, "Well, I didn't go to college or anything, but ..."

Although obviously I value my college experience and DO think "book smart" is a worthwhile way to be, I don't think going to college made me in any way "better than" my co-workers -- which is what they seem to believe I think, once they find out about my education.

Is there anything I can do to put them at ease about my feelings in the matter, without having to knock my education by agreeing with them that it was worthless?

GENTLE READER: Going to college is not, in itself, rude, however many undergraduates attempt to demonstrate that it is. As long as you are not committing an auxiliary rudeness, such as bragging, patronizing others or asking them to kick in for your alumni fundraising drive, Miss Manners sees no reason for you to apologize.

Your colleagues should be uncomfortable. It is only unfortunate that they are uncomfortable for the wrong reason. Not having attended college is no disgrace. Belittling the experience of others is.

When co-workers pick on you like that, you don't want to argue, but neither should you placate them. You should simply let them have their say without comment. Your conduct in this, as at all other times, would demonstrate to fair-minded people that you do not look down on them.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received the following in the mail last week, and I'm not sure what I'm to do. (The names are changed for privacy, the rest is word for word.)

Lisa Ann along with the memory of

the Late Christopher Luke Castle

and Cathy R. and Hamilton Fenton

are proud to finally announce

the marriage of

Louisa Anne Castle

to

Stanley Sean Fenton

Luanne and Stan will unite

their devoted love and affection

which began twenty years ago

in a private ceremony

on (date but no time or place)

Because you are so far away

and can not be with us to celebrate our union,

we wanted you to know of our marriage and

hope you will wish us well and think of us

on our happy day!

It arrived in a single envelope about five weeks before the event. Don't you usually send out announcements after the event? I'm so confused. Is this just a request for a gift?

GENTLE READER: It is hard to say just what this is.

A sigh of relief from beyond the grave of a father who can stop spinning because his daughter's 20-year courtship has progressed to marriage? A presumptuous refusal, by the hosts on behalf of the recipients, in response to an invitation that has not been issued?

And what went on in that private ceremony 20 years ago?

Miss Manners is at least sure that it is not either a proper formal communication or a proper informal one, since it uses the formal third-person style without honorifics and with informal nicknames. But that revealing, if split, infinitive, "to finally announce," certainly provides more emotional information than can be found in the usual bland forms.

She would not, however, assume that it is a request for a present, even though many people assume that to be the prime motivation for marriage. Nowadays the greedy express themselves explicitly, enclosing written demands for cash or specific dry goods. Let us assume, instead, that the timing was simply as misguided as the wording. You need send the couple only your good wishes.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am head of an environmental organization that values sustainability and using resources as wisely as possible. I am frequently invited to speak to civic organizations or sit on panels, after which I am provided with a thank you gift such as a mug or plaque with the organization's mission, or recently a frisbee with a newspaper's name and slogan.

I usually do not want this gift, partly because I do not use the item but also because I don't want to have the waste of owning an item I do not plan to use and can't be donated as they have little value. Is there a gracious way to decline a thank you gift without offending the kind individual who is making the offer?

GENTLE READER: Leaving that person standing there, holding on to an object you have just pronounced useless, in front of an audience whose organization it symbolizes?

Miss Manners is afraid that there is no way of doing that which would not be rude and embarrassing. The object is yours to put to whatever use you can find for it. It might assuage your misgivings if you learned to think of rudeness as a pollutant, which you should refrain from spreading.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have three sons, two of whom are married and one about to be. If they come to dinner (invited or drop-in) at our house, is it appropriate for the "girls" to either sit at the table or exit the room with the guys while I am expected to clean everything up?

The guys feel they are guests and should not HAVE to clean up. I feel that this is a home, not a restaurant, and they should at least make the offer since I fixed all the meal.

I was raised to help out. Who is correct? Please don't put gender into this since the sons are mine. Most guys including mine hit the other room.

GENTLE READER: Don't put gender in it?

Sorry, Miss Manners didn't mean her voice to get that high-pitched. She will pull herself together and give your question a try in your terms.

Here is the situation as you related it:

You were brought up to help out. You did not bring up your three children to help you out. Now you allow them to get away with declaring themselves guests in your house (although with privileges of dropping in for a meal, which guests don't generally have) and to hit the other room, as you put it, while their mother does all the work. Your complaint is that this privilege has been extended to their mates.

Why do you object? Perhaps it is because these people were brought up the same way you chose to bring up your children. Or perhaps it is because as additions to the family, they are following your children's lead about what is expected in your household.

Please be so kind as to explain to Miss Manners why you question their behavior when you do not question the identical behavior in your own children. Oh, and don't forget to leave gender out of it, just as you instructed.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How can I, a person with a number of food allergies, politely ask ?what is in an appetizer, meal, dessert, etc., in social situations?

I ?have tried the "Oh, it looks delicious ...what's in it?" approach; ?however, this does not always work. "Trust me, you'll love it," says ?a host eagerly waiting for me to take a nibble and agree.

GENTLE READER: As an advocate of discretion on the part of guests with food restrictions, Miss Manners has to admire your subtlety. She hates to admit that there is such a thing as being too subtle, but you seem to have achieved it.

The goal is to avoid undue demands on the host as well as medical emergencies, religious and ethical transgressions and, not least, excessive talk about food. Your host could have supposed that you were acting from mere culinary curiosity, which he is not obligated to satisfy.

The succinct response to "Trust me ..." should have been a pleasant but firm "Trust me, I do need to know. I'm allergic to ...." Followed, if necessary, by an equally pleasantly delivered, "You really don't want me to spoil this lovely party by your having to call the rescue squad."

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