Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have two issues -- my man friend staring at other women, when with me, and should he walk up stairs behind me? If so, is he checking out the rear? Help.

GENTLE READER: Help with what? Deflecting the gentleman's interest? Madam, please!

A gentleman should indeed, go up the stairs after you, and down stairs in front of you. The purpose is to give you something comfy to fall on, should you mis-step. And you surely will if you keep trying to check the height of his gaze.

However, when your friend is staring at other ladies, Miss Manners suggests a barrage of questions, none of which is "What are you staring at?" Or "Why are you checking out other women?"

Rather, these should be "Who's that? Do you know her? You must. No, wait a minute, do I know her? Help me -- have we met her?" With any day dreams thus blasted out of his head, he will come to consider that his habit is more trouble than it is worth.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For several years, I have given an annual Christmas party. It has grown more lavish every year.

It has been my custom to have a gift for everyone who showed up, invited or not. Most of the "regulars" have reciprocated, some of them lavishly. This has led to a ruinous escalation of generosity. While, in the early years, I might have given a pair of socks or a box of chocolates, lately I've been giving jewelry and crystal.

Last year, I hit my limit. I can't do it again this year; I have neither the time nor the money to shop for "perfect gifts" for people I only see once a year. I guess I could trim my guest list, and have only my closest friends over, but I also like most of my acquaintances. The ones I dislike, I will certainly trim from my list.

I can't give gifts to some of my guests, and not to others. What shall I do? Should I have one big, open house for everybody, no gifts allowed, and a small dinner for my intimates? Do you have a better idea?

GENTLE READER- Yes: taking an occasional sabbatical from giving an annual party. And not just in your case, where you have priced yourself out of your own market.

Annual parties can be charming for guests and hosts alike. "We love to have our friends in for Christmas Eve" or "We always go to the Montmorencys' for New Year's" is a cosy concept.

But then one year, the Montmorencys notice that they haven't heard from most of their guests from the time they left the last party until nearly a year later, when they didn't wait to be invited again this year before announcing that they would be there. It has become an entitlement for the guests and a chore for the hosts.

Miss Manners is by no means suggesting that you stop entertaining your friends -- only that you jolt them out of the habit you have established by giving a different party at a somewhat different time. You can, in all honesty, say, "We're not having our usual party this year," and then turn around and invite people for brunch, or for the last day after New Year's before everyone disperses -- or for Ground Hog's Day. If you later go back to giving Christmas parties, you will be more easily able to adjust the form.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When someone is introducing me to someone else, I keep my mouth shut, listen to the person doing the introducing and let them finish.

Invariably, the person to whom I am being introduced will interrupt the person doing the introducing by saying his/her name. Also invariably, when I am introducing someone, one or both parties will blurt out their name/s in the middle of my introduction.

I consider this not only rude, but it causes confusion with two or three people talking at the same time. Often times, I or another party will have to ask the other party to repeat their name because it was not clearly understood because of everyone talking at once when if they would have just kept quiet and paid attention, everyone would have understood everyone's name.

What is it with these people who feel like they absolutely MUST butt-in saying their own name before the person doing the introducing has a chance to say it?

GENTLE READER- You don't realize what an enormous favor these people are doing you, do you?

Trust Miss Manners: Some day you will.

Blanking out on names, even those of people one knows well, is a common problem that many people have all their lives or may acquire with age. Knowing this, and wishing to spare introducers embarrassment, is what makes your acquaintances blurt out their names.

When you are doing the introductions, you are welcome to show a very mild form of impatience -- a weary smile at the speaker that telegraphs "Yes, of course I know." However, you should be aware that this is exactly what is done by people who had no idea what the name was, and which their kind friends are cooperating in setting them up to do.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My hair is so beautiful, I can hardly stand it! I get compliments like, "Your hair looks so pretty!" and I respond with a polite, "Thank you."

The truth is, my hair is sparse and thinning because of my medications. The beautiful hair is a stylish wig.

I'm OK with the first compliment. But sometimes questions follow -- "Is it naturally curly?" "What salon do you go to?" "Who does your hair?"

GENTLE READER: The problem here is not that you are wearing a wig. The problem is that people don't know that a compliment should not be the prelude to demands about how the admired effect was achieved.

There don't seem to be any free niceties any longer, Miss Manners observes. They are all followed by "Where'd you buy it?" "How much did it cost?" or that zinger, "Is it real?"

Answering any of those questions only brings on more. You would be getting a critique of your medical history in no time.

So if you can't get in a quick change of subject after giving your thanks for the compliment, Miss Manners advises you to throw in an off-hand remark that can pass for modesty -- "Oh, I don't do anything special with it," or "It's always been like that" -- followed quickly by "Did you have any trouble with the traffic in getting here? It seems to me it's getting more congested every day."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Christmas cards ... why bother?

I am getting more and more disenchanted, as they seem to have lost their meaning. I am tempted to boycott, but it would defeat the point I'm making.

I am a faithful card writer with family updates and pictures every year. I hand-write my envelopes, sign my name and always include a personal message. Why then, does it seem this is only important to ME?

My friends and family are all reduced to a preprinted photo in an envelope ... no signature, no greeting, no heartfelt hello. Many times, even my address is on a sticky label. There is no personal touch anymore.

I am a person who values keeping in touch with friends. Christmas cards are often the only time to catch up with some of them. I look forward to holiday mail, like everyone else, and have been repeatedly disappointed in everyone's lack of spirit and genuine good cheer.

Yippee, another picture without a note.

While I appreciate the photos, I have no idea how people are doing or feeling, where they've traveled or what they've done. No life updates. I feel like just "number 23" on their card list. People just don't care anymore and I don't get it. It feels like I'm not worth their time.

Are we outdated? Reduced to e-mail and text messages, and no sincere greetings anymore? How do I tactfully tell everyone to get with the program, make the time and send me a message that I'll be excited to read?

GENTLE READER - Outdated? To expect a few personal words from friends in an era where people spill all their thoughts and secrets on blogs open to strangers and e-mail all their photographs to every address they can get their hands on?

Miss Manners is afraid so. They probably have nothing left to tell.

And she doubts that they will profit from your example. By the time they're up to 23 on the list, they're exhausted from all that effort of stuffing envelopes, and they have a long list left of people who will echo your "Yipee" on receiving their meaningless mailings.

So she suggests beating the crowd -- or lagging behind it. If you get out a letter full of questions before they get to their joyless chore, some might think to jot down answers in their cards. Or if you respond later to Christmas cards, asking for news about the people in those pictures, you might get some answers. By text mail, perhaps.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had the honor of being my friend's maid

of honor in her wedding a few weeks ago and took the role very seriously. As her "something borrowed," I offered her a bracelet my husband had bought for me -- my favorite piece.

Is it appropriate for me to ask for it back, or is it considered a part of her trousseau now?

GENTLE READER: Of course, you should ask for it back. Miss Manners assures you that it would be a favor to your friend for two reasons. First, the bride has probably merely forgotten, in the confusion of the festivities, to return it, and would be grateful to be reminded. Second, if you let her keep it, you will have deprived her, retroactively, of the lovely tradition of having worn "something borrowed." It would have become something purloined.

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