DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our company head office has sent us money to have a luncheon on Christmas Eve. Because it is not very much money, two of us in management have decided it would be cheaper to buy cold cuts and buns. We would make up meat trays ourselves.

When this was announced at a staff meeting, one employee spoke up in front of everyone and said, "No offense, but I don't know where your hands have been."

I am very offended by this, especially since she is probably not the cleanest person. She sees nothing wrong with what she said and won't let up on the subject. I told her I was offended by what she said but she says that is the way she feels, and she sees nothing wrong with it. I think this was a very rude and ignorant thing to say.

I could stoop to her level and tell her, her breath stinks all the time and she sometimes smells like urine. But I happen to care about people's feelings. Guess what I need is a good comment to put her in her place. Any suggestions?

GENTLE READER: "Of course we plan to wash our hands and wear plastic gloves. But thank you for the reminder."

Oops, sorry to disappoint you. But although you said you wanted to put this employee in her place, you also said that you did not want to place yourself at her level. You specificially said that you care about people's feelings.

Oh -- not that much?

Well, all right. Miss Manners agrees that nothing good ever follows the phrase "No offense, but ..." She will allow you to say quietly, "I'm afraid that I am offended that you thought we might risk your health with unsanitary conditions."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Am I obliged to reply to all Christmas cards that I receive?

I am speaking not of a business-style card but a personal Christmas card from a mere acquaintance. I've been trying to drop her for years but it's not working.

I'm faced with the dilemma of having been so nice and polite to her in the past that she thinks I actually LIKE her, and since no one else does and practically runs when she approaches, I seem to have given her the impression that we are bosom buddies.

I send cards to my friends and family, and make sure that I respond to any cards I receive, but I just don't WANT to acknowledge hers. When is enough enough? And how do I politely respond when she pins me in a conversational corner next spring by bellowing, "WELL? Where's my Christmas Card? I sent YOU one!"

GENTLE READER: Christmas card lists do have to be pruned occasionally, or we would have to start turning the Christmas trees into pulp. It takes a minimum of two years before the other person makes a corresponding trim, sometimes with relief.

Should this person press the matter in the rude way you fear, your answer should be, "Oh, I'm sending fewer cards now, but thank you for yours."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Do many people send Christmas cards out in hopes of receiving Christmas tips in return?

Sure there are charities that send more mail at this time in a Christmas card format, but it just seems too much when all of a sudden our delivery man gives us his home address or other people send cold Christmas cards with no personal feeling -- no signature, no writing. Are we supposed to return the card with a Christmas check?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners enjoys thinking that you are being served by warm-hearted people who are emotionally overcome at Christmas time by the human bond they feel with you, but perhaps are too shy to sign their names. What she knows for certain is that they will not be insulted if you respond with your own card, with your signature accompanied by a tangible sign of your appreciation.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: This will be the first time in nearly 20 years that my sister and I will be spending Christmas in our childhood home with our parents. She is divorced with two teenage daughters, and she recently announced she also is bringing a new boyfriend with her to our celebration.

My parents and I are planning to be cordial and welcoming, but we are not thrilled that she is allowing this man -- who I've briefly met once and my parents never have -- to "crash" our rare family gathering. (FYI, my sister did NOT ask my parents in advance.) After all, my parents and I were looking forward to a "family" Christmas. We were all a little stunned by my sister's actions, partly because she's bringing a strange man into the house and sleeping arrangements for family members are already tight.

Is my sister being inconsiderate, or am I just over-reacting? Are my parents and I now obligated to give Christmas gifts to this stranger just because he will be with us on the holiday?

After all, because we don't really know him, we wouldn't normally give him gifts. We don't want to make him feel overlooked, but we are uncomfortable giving gifts out of obligation rather than sincerity. Please help!

GENTLE READER: If you mean that you have no sincere desire to be hospitable at Christmas time to someone who is important to your sister, Miss Manners advises you to conceal it. It is neither a seasonal nor an attractive sentiment.

Your mother should not have to give the gentleman a bed if she hasn't one to provide, and, yes, there should have been some warning. But holiday visitors should receive not only a warm welcome but a modest present, so that they are not left out when others exchange theirs.

As it happens, meeting your sister's beau is a basic item of family business. (Think what fun you and your mother will have talking him over in the coming weeks.) He is not a stranger to her. Besides, it is particularly unwise to close family ranks against someone who may become a member.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My spouse and I received an invitation to a "Tree Trimming Party" for the son of a friend and his live-in girlfriend, being given by the young man's siblings. The couple have been together for almost two years and plan to marry sometime next year.

The invitation stated that all guests should bring ornaments to decorate the tree, specifying a specific brand of blown-glass ornaments that cost between $50 and $100 apiece.

A week before the party, one of the organizers called to ask if it was clear what type of ornaments to purchase. When I assured the caller that the intent of the invitation was crystal clear, I was told that we had better show up because anyone who didn't would be fair game for the gossip mill.

My spouse and I strongly considered making excuses. However, the family of the young man wields a great deal of social and political power in our community and to offend them could provoke unpleasant repercussions.

We attended (bearing the requisite ornaments) and were assured that this is just the first of many engagement parties and showers that will be held over the coming year since the young couple want to furnish their home in style.

Were we right to be offended by the tasteless invitation? Any suggestions on how to discreetly distance ourselves from the coming onslaught without incurring the wrath of the family?

GENTLE READER: If Miss Manners knew how to placate blackmailers without complying with their demands, she would be working in law enforcement. But surely everyone knows that compliance only invites more blackmail. You have even been warned.

Given the choice between sponsoring this couple's life and becoming the subject of gossip, Miss Manners would choose the latter. If word gets around that you refused to succumb to a shakedown that has terrorized the town, you may find yourselves heroes.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received an e-mail Christmas card (actually, a letter for mass distribution). The sender said that she was donating the price of the postage stamp to a charity. Do you have any comment?

GENTLE READER: Only the wish that this person will limit her philanthropy to making financial donations. In Miss Manners' opinion, someone whose idea of holiday warmth is to brag to her friends that she put to better use the cost of sending them greetings should not be oppressing the disadvantaged with her presence.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our office Christmas party calls for "holiday casual" dress. Some of us have joked about wearing a t-shirt with a tuxedo print, or Santa Claus jammies with feet.

GENTLE READER: Go ahead, have a good time making fun of those made-up dress codes, which Miss Manners agrees are ridiculous. You are not the only ones looking at such puzzling instructions as "elegant leisure" and "festively informal."

But then, Miss Manners can afford to laugh, because she doesn't work in your office. Please let her know if you need instruction about proper job interview dress.

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