Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At dinner with a friend, where the neighboring table was no more than a foot away, I mentioned that I had recently completed reading the final Harry Potter book. She asked me to tell her who had died in the final book, as she gave up on the series after the third book.

I was a little concerned that the table next to us had not read the book and decided that I should give them some buffer time to interrupt or take a trip to the restroom.

So I asked my friend if she was certain that she wanted to know who didn't make it till the end. I then asked her if she was aware of who passed away in books five and six, and outlined those deaths.

Seeing that the neighboring table did not object or leave, I proceeded to run down the lengthy list of casualties in book seven. I struck a cord with the final death (having already listed everyone else that had died), and a diner at the next table said, "Excuse me, we have not read the book yet."

Her companion then stated, "I tried not to listen, but then I heard the name ___. I have not read the final three books yet, so can you please change the subject?"

I apologized and stated that I was wondering if it would be an issue for them but expected that they would have interrupted sooner if it was.

Looking back on this situation, I have no idea what was and was not appropriate etiquette. I would like to know the rules about giving away endings to movies or books to strangers.

GENTLE READER: It appears as though the moral here ought to be that people who eavesdrop should pay closer attention and state their criticisms clearly and early.

Miss Manners thinks not. The better rule is never to say anything in public that you do not want overheard. And when you do so anyway, keep your voice down and avoid using names. (In this case, you could have written or whispered the name.)

Protecting others -- not only from literary surprises, but from foul language and salacious stories -- is one reason. A more compelling one to those tempted to tell all may be to protect themselves from gossipy eavesdroppers, including inadvertent ones.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are both in recovery from alcoholism and do not drink. Our children and careers have introduced us to many fine people, and we are often invited to attend dinners and parties with acquaintances. On these occasions, I have a sense of dread each time I am offered a cocktail.

I typically say I'd love a soda water and lime and leave it at that. It is only uncomfortable at small gatherings when people ask why we don't drink. I am not sure how to answer the question without giving too much personal information. We enjoy socializing with our friends and want to do so without drawing attention to our nondrinking.

GENTLE READER: You realize, of course, that people have no business inquiring why you do not drink alcohol, and you do not owe them an explanation.

Miss Manners recommends saying, "I don't care for any, thank you." Whether this is interpreted as meaning that you don't like the taste, or the effect, or are simply repeating declining drinks doesn't matter, because it closes the topic.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Could you enlighten my husband and me on the correct way for him to help me into my coat? The nights are turning chilly now, reminding me that I will soon have to pull out my winter wear. I have this heavy tapestry coat that I love wearing for the holidays and special occasions. Invariably, however, at the end of a lovely evening, my husband will try to help me into my coat. That's when the trouble starts. I circle in vain, looking for a sleeve, while he's pumping the coat up and down saying, "Over here. Over here." I would gladly put an end to this ritual.

GENTLE READER: Please tell your husband that Miss Manners says he should stop being funny. He knows perfectly well how hard it is to hit a moving target, let alone to enter one with one's hand behind one's back. And if he doesn't, insist that he allow you to demonstrate by helping him with his coat using his method.

To perform this maneuver properly, the gentleman should hold the coat's shoulders at the height of the lady's shoulders. When she puts her hand behind her (some using the over-the-shoulder method and others the up-from-the-waist method), she should hold it still. He then moves the armhole down until he is able to slip it over her hand. When both hands have entered the sleeves, he moves the coat up and over her shoulders.

It is actually a charming ritual, provided both of you refrain from flailing.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would like to know what my options are for sending thank-yous to my daughter's friends and family who have given her birthday presents. She's 4 years old and can write her name, but not much else.

Is it appropriate for me to send a note of thanks written in her "voice"? (e.g., "Dear Grandmother, I adore the curtains you sent for my birthday. They match my bedspread so beautifully! Thank you so much for thinking of me. Love, Alice" -- written in my hand?)

Would her contribution to the note in the form of her "signature" and perhaps a drawing be good? When her friends give her gifts, is a note addressed to that friend and his or her parents together appropriate?

I am hoping that writing thank-you notes will become second nature for her, but I want the notes I'm sending on her behalf to be appropriate, too.

GENTLE READER: Her contribution should be the wording. This may take some work on your part, Miss Manners is afraid. You will have to pull it out of her. And before that, you will have to put it in.

It goes something like this:

"Alice, dear, what shall we say to Grandmother about the lovely curtains she gave you?"

"Thank you."

"Yes, very good. But we need more than that. Do you like them?"

"I guess."

"Did you notice that they have the same color that is in your bedspread?"

"They do?"

"Yes, look."

"How did she know that?"

"Remember when she came up to your room to see your dolls? She must have noticed your bedspread. Isn't that thoughtful of her?"

"I guess."

"OK. How does this sound?"

Then you read her the gracious letter that you have created by quoting your questions as if they were her answers, and you have her sign it.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I recently went to a play with some other couples from our church. Afterwards, one couple invited everyone else over to their house for refreshments. We were served some delicious cake and iced tea, and had a nice time.

Later, someone from the church told me that this couple was vegan. I didn't know what vegan was, and she explained that they don't eat any animal products. So I guess the cake didn't have milk or eggs, but I don't care. My husband, however, says they shouldn't force their dietary preferences on other people. He says there might have been soy milk in it, and he hates soy milk.

I think he's making a big deal out of nothing. Do you think it was rude of them to serve us vegan food when they know we're probably not vegan?

GENTLE READER: These people offered you some delicious cake that may or may not have contained an ingredient to which your husband would have objected if only he had detected it at the time? The nerve!

The charge of force in connection with this gentle little visit would amuse Miss Manners if it were not so outrageous. Was your husband taken to this couple's house by force? Was he force-fed the cake? Was he even lured in by the thought of an after-theater barbeque?

Apparently, the gentleman does not understand the concept of hospitality. Miss Manners advises keeping out of social circulation until he does.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a veteran and have been retired for some time. To the best of my knowledge, no one ever tried to kill me, and I never killed any one. I'm proud of having served my country. I wear service-related items from time to time, such as a ball cap or a jacket, and have service-oriented decals, including a base sticker, on my car.

In the past few years, complete strangers have come up to me and said, "Thank you for your service." I have just returned from a service unit reunion, where 150 of us gathered in a hotel for several days, exchanged sea stories, took tours around the host city, etc. Most of us wore our reunion badges, with name, rank and years of service. We were constantly approached by folks who thanked us individually, or as a group, for our services.

I don't know what to say in response to those kind words. I cannot say "It was a pleasure" or "At your pleasure" because it wasn't.

One woman approached me, thanked me, and then shared that she had three relatives presently in service in Afghanistan and Iraq.

I managed to tell her "It was an honor," which it was, and thanked her for the service of her family.

Can you suggest some better generic response, hopefully short and succinct?

GENTLE READER: You have put it beautifully, and Miss Manners knows better than to tamper with natural graciousness.

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