DEAR MISS MANNERS: My apartment is part of a large complex in a busy metropolitan area. Signs posted near the exterior doors indicate that each person entering should use his or her own key to ensure that nonresidents do not enter.

It seems unbearably rude, however, to let the door slam shut behind me when another person is following just after me or (somehow worse, because I might seem to simply be saving time) a few seconds away. An apology or apologetic look seems insufficient for "Can't hold the door, you might be a criminal." Yet I imagine that following a polite person is precisely how an unauthorized mischief-maker might enter the building. I worry about this every day on my way home. Miss Manners, what should I do?

GENTLE READER: Work on your apologetic look. You should apear to be horribly torn between your duty to obey the rules of the building and your duty to obey the normal courtesy of holding a door for someone behind you.

Miss Manners realizes that you actually are torn, or you wouldn't have written. But one must dramatize.

Turn around to face the other person, rather than walking away in front of the closing door. Draw your eyebrows together, open your mouth slightly, and hold out your hands helplessly. Then shake your head sadly.

Should the person produce a key and enter, you will be able to say, "Terribly sorry, I was just following the house rules." If no key is produced, you may consider that it is not rude to turn away an intruder.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son just got engaged to a wonderful girl that we just love. This will be his second marriage, his fiancee's first. Can you please tell me what is the proper etiquette regarding inviting guests that attended his first wedding?

My husband and I think it is up to the invited to decide whether or not they want to attend another wedding. The bride's mother thinks it is improper to invite people that have already attended his wedding.

What do you think? We want to do what is best for our son and future daughter-in-law without offending anyone, especially the bride's mother. What is the proper thing to do?

GENTLE READER: Is there someone in particular that the bride's mother does not want to see there? Such as the previous bride?

Otherwise, the custom is to invite those who are still your relatives and friends and to let them decide whether they have had enough.

Miss Manners does acknowledge, however, that anyone in the habit of marrying often would be kind to prevent wedding fatigue by having succeedingly smaller weddings.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it appropriate for a company who has given out bonuses every year for at ?least seven years to notify the staff if they do not plan on doing that for this ?year?

I want to know to be prepared but am afraid that I will appear rude. ?Please let me know what you think. Thank you.

GENTLE READER: What you want to avoid is a "no more gravy train for you folks" tone. But yes, if the employees seem to be counting on their regular bonuses, it is well to warn them.

Miss Manners advises putting it in the form of an apologetic appreciation: "As you all know, we've had a tough year here in spite of your good work. I am sorry to say that bonuses will be impossible, although you certainly deserve them. With your help, I'm sure we'll pull through and have a better year next year."

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last night, a guest in our home told a racist joke. Not wanting to make him feel awkward, I laughed weakly, then felt awful the rest of the night, even though fortunately no targets of the joke were present. I want to know what the appropriate response would be if it happens again.

I hope your advice isn't to sit stonefaced. These people have been kind to us. I thought of saying, "Yes, well tell me about your vacation..."

GENTLE READER: You are probably under the impression that etiquette forbids ever making a guest feel awkward.

Well, close. Almost never. But you have just run into an exception. People who tell racist jokes should be given the opportunity to realize the impact on civilized people -- and, if possible, to redeem themselves by saying that they themselves (not their best friends) belong to the racial group that was the target of the joke.

Stony face is, in fact, the basic correct response. There is a less harsh version, however, for relatives and others with whom you may have reason to continue dealing. That is to look puzzled:

"I don't get it. Oh, it's supposed to show that they're stupid? Well, I know lots of stupid people, but it seems to me that they're from every sort of background. Smart people, too, for that matter..." and so on. You will soon reach a point where the joke teller cannot stand it any longer, and will be the one to break in with, "Yes, well tell me about your vacation."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received a wedding invitation with the following bullet points listed on the response card enclosure:

YES

___ THRILLED, I WOULDN'T MISS IT

___ THRILLED, FOR A CALIFORNIA SUNSHINE-FILLED WEEKEND

___ THRILLED, I CAN'T WAIT TO LEAVE THE KIDS AT HOME AND "LET LOOSE"

___ ALL OF THE ABOVE, AND BRINGING BEAUTIFUL GIFTS

NO

___ SORRY, MY BONES ARE WEAK

___ SORRY, I HAVE NEVER LEFT MY HOME TOWN

___ SORRY, I AM AFRAID OF AIRPLANES, EARTHQUAKES, AND TOFU LASAGNA

___ ALL OF THE ABOVE, BUT SENDING BEAUTIFUL GIFTS

Am I overreacting? I fail to see the humor in this distasteful response card, and I question whether I should even attend, despite having purchased my plane ticket months ago.

GENTLE READER: Well, you have been warned that it is likely to be a joke-y wedding, and that you will be prodded to produce "beautiful gifts."

It doesn't sound like much fun to Miss Manners, either, but if you are related to these people, and the tickets are not refundable, you may have to go through with it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Just before serving our entrees, the waiter at a lovely French restaurant placed a utensil I'd never seen before where the dessert fork and spoon usually go. It looked like a flat soup spoon and had a notch on one side. Can you tell me what it is?

GENTLE READER: It's a sauce spoon. The French are proud of their sauces and tired of watching people use bread as mops, so they gave the world this invention.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a newly elected minor public official, I work from my kitchen table, and I have no office staff. I have been surprised at the number of invitations I now receive.

I have received invitations to weddings of people I have never heard of, let alone met (I googled them to be sure.) I am now invited to large numbers of fundraisers and award dinners that carry hefty prices.

If there is a simple way to decline, I do. But I am at a loss when people are offended if I call and say I will be unable to attend, and want to know why.

I want to spend my free time as I choose, and while a certain number of local functions are required, I have no interest in going to events in other areas. I consider events with a charge to be in the category of if I don't buy your ticket, don't expect me.

Rather than a social invitation, which requires an answer, am I wrong? (I must say if they give me a stamped return envelope, I do send my regrets, but I draw the line at paying for a stamp to say no.) I do feel an obligation to respond if I am asked to present an award or speak, but those invitations come in much fewer numbers.

GENTLE READER: You are indeed new at this. Otherwise, Miss Manners is sure that you would know three rules of politics that apply to your problem:

1. The first choice of elected public officials is always to spend their free time with their constituents.

2. They don't have any free time. Day and night, they are at work for their constituents (although they are also kind and upstanding people who attend to their family obligations).

3. They are happy to seize any opportunity to correspond with their constituents.

So although solicitations to pay for events do not normally require a response, you might want to invest a few stamps in saying how much you regret that your duties keep you from enjoying all functions, at which you wish everyone well. If you do so charmingly enough, you may eventually rise to a position with franking privileges.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently inherited a pair of large, diamond stud earrings from my grandmother, who is still alive, but is expected to pass within the next year. I had a difficult time accepting them, but she insisted.

They are large stones in an old-fashioned gold setting that causes them to sit out from the ear quite a bit. Personally, I prefer white gold or platinum jewelry and find the setting to be awkward.

Would it be terrible for me to have them reset in another metal or have them turned into a necklace that I would wear often instead of keeping them in a jewelry box the rest of my life? Is this selfish? Wrong?

GENTLE READER: No, the earrings are now yours, and you may do what you please with them.

However, Miss Manners would be happier if you could restrain yourself from changing them during the apparently short remainder of your grandmother's lifetime. Seeing you wear them may give her pleasure.

Besides, it is possible that you may change your mind. Feelings sometimes change after someone is gone, and you may value them more then for their sentimental association. Fashions certainly change, and they go backward as often as forward. If that old-fashioned look becomes the latest thing, you may find you prefer it. If not, it will then be reasonable to change.

: