DEAR MISS MANNERS: During the holidays, I usually receive numerous invitations to dinner from friends who know that I often elect not to travel to visit my family, all of whom live far away.

Occasionally one of my hosts comments that they invited me because they didn't want me to "be alone" over the holidays. One hostess even referred to me and several other of her guests as "orphans."

I try not to be offended by such comments, but if I had known their motivations, I would certainly have declined their invitation and accepted one of the others instead.

Am I being overly sensitive? Would it be acceptable, in response to such a comment, to hand the host my covered dish and say that, actually, I can only stay a short while as I have another gathering to attend?

GENTLE READER: No, but you can say enthusiastically, "Thank you. Christmas does give us all those warm impulses. I had the same feeling you did -- came here, as I'm sure we all did, because we didn't want you to be alone."

Then, as your hosts are spluttering for an answer, Miss Manners hopes you will add something charming about how nice it was of them to invite you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At this festive time of year, our office receives many tokens of appreciation from our vendors. I am told we do not acknowledge these gifts, as that is saying "thank you for the thank you."

I believe it is appropriate to send a brief note thanking the giver for thinking of us. Please let us know whether or not these items are to be acknowledged.

GENTLE READER: Yes. You realize what eludes many otherwise sensible people: that these are actual items, and therefore presents. Whether the motive of the sender is to thank, to advertise, to ingratiate, to court or to show off is irrelevant. And Miss Manners assures you that you needn't fear that this will go on forever. Your thanks, being a letter, will not require return thanks.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The giving of gifts by elementary school students to their teachers at Christmastime can be embarrassing to those unable to buy gifts. At higher levels of school, gifts can influence grades, college recommendations and advanced placement to a serious, life-changing degree.

As a retired high school teacher and guidance counselor, I would prefer to see NO gifts to teachers at Christmastime, period. Gifts could be given at the end of a school year or following graduation. And I would agree that a simple handwritten "Thank you" kind of note is much more meaningful than any physical gift. I cherish the notes I have. Local PTAs should formulate suggestions for parental guidance.

GENTLE READER: Yes, they should, and Miss Manners has always insisted upon letters being better than apple-themed desk items, at any time of year. She also recommends individual, spontaneous giving into a fund for school use.

But the PTA of the school where you taught has a more urgent matter before it. If your casually mentioned but outrageously shocking charge that teachers there were being successfully bribed for academic favors is true, the PTA should be in emergency session.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Like so many who work in retail, I have been spending lots of time helping people find Christmas presents. I love the challenge of finding the perfect gift, so I often enjoy my job.

The trouble is that most of the people who come in to my store these days just march in and ask me what their mother (or sister, or father, or cousin) would like for Christmas. When I ask what their mother is interested in, or what they were thinking about getting her, I get only glares or frustrated sighs.

It has become clear to me that what they want me to say is, "Your mother (whom I've never met) would love this fabulous _____." I have come to the conclusion that what most people are in need of this Christmas are people in their lives who are willing to take some time to think about them.

It is my job to sell things to customers, not to lecture them about what a wonderful process buying a gift for a loved one can be.

Should I talk them into something and send them out the door if that really seems to be what they want? Is there a polite way to get them to start thinking?

GENTLE READER - No -- then they will only ask Miss Manners what to get their unknown and unseen mothers (and sisters and fathers and cousins). Come to think of it, they already do.

This is the attitude that has made a mockery of the exchange of thoughtful presents and turned holidays into a time when friends and relatives pay one another and distribute their shopping lists. Without the symbolism that shows that the giver has paid attention to the tastes and interests of the recipient, it seems a futile exercise.

But neither you nor Miss Manners will be able to supply that. She will keep urging thoughtfulness, and you, who are being put on the spot, must resort to showing the items for sale and asking, "Would she like this?" "Do you think this would please him?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I find it challenging to decline bridal shower and wedding invitations.

I dislike going to these events, which can be time-consuming -- I recently received an invitation for a bridal shower that began at 10 am and had events scheduled through 2 -- and expensive -- particularly when they are out of town. Nonetheless, I find it challenging to provide explanations for declining these kind invitations when I am asked -- sometimes explicitly and sometimes implicitly. How can I best approach my disinclination to attend without offending the inviting party?

GENTLE READER: Disinclination? You can't mean that. Or at least you can't be thinking that when you decline invitations to endless, dreary events.

Oops. Now you have Miss Manners doing it.

What she meant to say was that you must put yourself into the frame of mind of someone who is cruelly forced to bypass a great treat. Then you will be able to wail, "Oh, I wish I could. It sounds wonderful. I would just love to go, and I'm devastated that I can't..."

If you keep this up long enough, perhaps your hostess will forget to make that rude inquiry about why not. If she does, the reply is, "Oh, I have a commitment I can't get out of -- nothing that would interest you. I'm just so sorry I can't be there..." and then you start up all over again.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Each holiday season, my husband and I and our two young children drive 300 miles to visit my parents and some of my husband's relatives who live in the same area, then we fly three hours to visit his parents in another state for Christmas Day.

Last year, several of his aunts and uncles gave us gifts for both our family and my in-laws before we flew out in order that we should take these gifts with us to be opened on Christmas and (presumably) spare them the time and expense of mailing them themselves.

This was quite a burden on us. We try to pack as lightly as possible given the kids and their paraphernalia and our own gifts and don't have any extra room in our suitcases.

Also, with security the way it is, extra suitcases can be more than just a slight nuisance. Someone even gave us a fruit basket to take down! I didn't feel that I could say no without offense, since my doing so would mean their gifts wouldn't arrive on time and they were sending gifts for us, too (which we were expected to haul down, open up and then haul back).

I would like to prevent this from happening again this year, but I can't think of how to mention it without sounding crass. If I bring it up well enough in advance, it sounds like I'm expecting to get gifts, which I shouldn't be, and if I wait until they are pressing them upon me, I am then left with being the Grinch who wouldn't deliver the gifts. It doesn't help that my relationship with my husband's parents is already strained (though I generally get on well with the aunts and uncles). Can you offer any sage advice?

GENTLE READER: You are in need of some airport horror stories. Miss Manners understands that these are very easy to come by nowadays. If you don't have any of your own, try reading passengers' blogs or standing by a luggage carousel in your local airport and chatting up the people who are left when no more bags are forthcoming.

Now is the time to open a conversation with your relatives about luggage being lost, damaged or confiscated. Having established the unlikelihood of any packages surviving the flight, you can then demure, saying you would not want to take the responsibility.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My family is Catholic, and my son's babysitter is Jewish. She takes wonderful care of him, taking him to and from pre-school and other various things while I am at work.

With the holiday season upon us, I would like to get her something to show my appreciation. Should I give it to her just before Christmas or during Hanukkah? (I am not familiar with Jewish holidays.)

GENTLE READER: Neither. This is a business relationship, however warm, and what the lady deserves is not a present but a year's end bonus, along with an expression of gratitude and good wishes.

But even with friends, being familiar with Hanukkah would not help. Some Jews have adapted secular traditions associated with Christmas; others consider Hanukkah a minor holiday, not to be offered as a substitute. And there are numerous other approaches. Miss Manners suggests you simply give them "holiday presents" on neither holiday.

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