DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a young liberal Democrat, just out of college, who is against the current war in Iraq. I moved back to my home state after college, and many of my new friends here are affiliated with the U.S. military (either as ex-Army members, veterans or from other branches).

How do I respond politely and respectfully when I find out that one of my new acquaintances has fought in Iraq or Afghanistan? I'm curious to find out from veterans of Iraq and Afghanistan what their first-hand experiences in the Middle East were, but I don't want to pry, and I don't want to be insensitive.

I also don't know right away if the person I'm meeting has any qualms about discussing their deployment. My only frame of reference is an uncle who fought in the Vietnam War; I was never allowed to question him about being a veteran, as he suffered from severe emotional trauma for decades after.

As a 24-year-old, these are the first wars that have touched me politically, and I do not want to say something disingenuous (like, "I really support what you are doing over there. Keep up the good work!), trite ("Thank you for your sacrifices. Your country is proud of you."), or callous ("What a terrible thing to be involved in!"). What is a tactful response to a veteran that upholds everyone's dignity? Is there an established etiquette for speaking to a veteran of (in my view) an ongoing, unpopular war?

GENTLE READER: Yes; it consists of not speaking so much as listening.

Miss Manners quite agrees that it is not your place to deliver critiques or commendations. Rather than quizzing your new friends about their service, you can simply say, "I don't know whether you like to talk about it, but I'd be very interested in hearing your experiences."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend of my parents died recently, and I sent letters of condolence to the family. My mom saw the envelopes as I was mailing them and objected to my use of return-address stickers. You know the kind of stickers I mean -- charities send them to you and they have your address plus the charity's logo or "I support (name of charity)".

This was an animal welfare organization, so there were pictures of puppies and kittens as well as the logo. My mom wasn't sure if she objected to the puppies, the logo or the stickers themselves, but she didn't think they were correct. Should return-address stickers not be used on letters of sympathy? What about stickers you buy yourself (from the stationer) that don't advertise a charity?

GENTLE READER: Since the demise of the footman-delivered letter, Miss Manners has tried not to get overly emotional about envelopes. Postal regulations are always fooling with the size, and some day they may decide to break her heart by decreeing that they will no longer accept handwritten addresses.

Still, one must maintain what dignity one can. A condolence letter is about as serious a letter as one can write, and cute pictures and irrelevant logos are very definitely out of place. Miss Manners will not make a fuss about a plain return-address sticker, but can't help feeling that writing even that in your own hand is preferable.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work for a service-industry company whose presence in my region of the country, while not a complete monopoly, is definitely the majority of the market. We have service failures on occasion, and when I'm out socially with friends, their experiences with these failures will come up as a part of conversation.

As a front-line employee, I empathize with their difficulties and try to get them pointed to the person in the department that may provide them with some recompense for their inconvenience.

My quandary is with one particular person in my social group. This is the spouse of a good friend, and he seems to take pleasure in basically complaining. He never seems interested in the solutions I try to provide or in lodging his complaint with the department responsible for handling service failures. I'm starting to dread times when I have to encounter him.

GENTLE READER: Do the people whom you do help, when out socially, reciprocate? Do they give you free legal or plumbing advice, or troubleshoot for you at their airlines, tax bureaus or wherever they are employed?

Even so, Miss Manners would not envy your social life. It must be tiresome to be forever on duty, which is why it is rude for those people to corner you in your off-hours.

She commends for your patience in not chucking the lot of them. As for the persistent complainer, it is time to say, "It's a long time now that you've been unhappy with our services and with my attempts to help you. We'll be sorry to lose you as a customer, but since we can't please you, you really ought to take your business elsewhere."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have an ex-girlfriend whom I care about and with whom I make efforts to remain friends. Often, however, she finds fault with me or something I've done, and writes me hostile or challenging e-mails taking me to task about the issues. I have a challenging job and am also in school, and I can't afford to be distracted by and caught up in this kind of drama every few days.

Clearly, if this continues, we'll be friends in name only, and not in fact. But regardless, my question is how to respond to these messages. I've told her that I don't want to have these kinds of conversations in e-mail. She then responds in typical fashion.

Can I just not reply? Is there some short response I can give that's civil and wouldn't cause more agitation?

GENTLE READER: This may be news to you, but you do not have a friendship here. Admirable as it is to declare friendship as the sequel to a failed romance, there are bound to be emotional leftovers, and often they go bad.

To keep up cordial relations until the lady gets over her hostility, Miss Manners recommends ignoring the jabs. That does not necessarily mean ignoring the correspondence. You could throw in an offhand "Sorry you feel that way" while quickly moving on to cheerful topics.

Will she be annoyed? Yes, but she already is. Miss Manners is hoping that the lady will learn that complaining is not working.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am an average 14-year-old girl who has a problem. My mom won't let me wear thong underwear, and it is the kind I want to wear. My friends make fun of me for not wearing that type. I was wondering if you could help me convince my mom and tell her it is all right to wear them.

GENTLE READER: Of all the advice columnists in the world, you chose Miss Manners as the most likely one to support the cause of thong underwear? And you wonder why your mother questions your judgment?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Two important figures in my life have been absent from my very important events. The first being my wedding and the second being my baby shower.

These are lifelong friends of my mother, one of them my baptized godmother. When I married my husband, over a year ago, I moved about an hour away from my hometown due to his occupation as a police officer. Both of our families live an hour away in different cities. As a compromise, we had the ceremony and reception in our new city.

We thought some might be opposed to the drive, but to our great joy, almost everyone came to celebrate with us -- minus my godmother and other family friend. Their excuse was it was too far for us to expect them to drive, and they were going out to a pub that night.

Now I am pregnant, and we are having an open-house baby shower for women and men, again in our new city. Again, the pair has said they will not drive that far, and I have had "too many events going on to expect them to come to every little one."

I know I am hormonal, but I have cried over this many times. These women were strong figures in my life before I met my husband. My mother has battled lifelong illness, and her friends were often motherly figures to me when I needed them. My feelings have been sincerely hurt by their absence.

Should I just forget them and move on? Or should I confront it? I have considered writing letters to them, telling them how I feel, but have no idea how to even start.

GENTLE READER: The pub excuse was crude, and Miss Manners can understand why you are hurt. But she also has a glimmer of understanding about what is likely to be bothering them.

Having been strong mother figures to you, they may feel that your wish to trot them out only for special events is an empty formality. Before you were married, did you ask them, as treasured friends, to meet your husband-to-be? Do you keep in touch with them and show ongoing concern about their welfare?

If you want to maintain a relationship, you must treat them as more than part of the party crowd. Miss Manners suggests starting by personally announcing the birth of your baby with the plea that you want your family to know them. If they do not want to drive, promise that when you are able, you would like to bring your husband and child to pay calls on them -- in their city and, if necessary, in their pub.

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