DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend, who is from Norway, where they don't tip, had his hair cut. He offered his credit card to pay for it, and the haircutter pointed to the tip part and said he was suppose to fill that out. I said he could put a "0" in or not go back to this hair establishment.

Do you have any advice for him? He has lived in this country 25 years, but he goes back to Norway every year, and he doesn't believe in tipping.

GENTLE READER: Tell your friend that he doesn't have to believe in tipping. All he has to do is to tip.

Miss Manners abhors the tipping system. But she tips without fail. If the service is bad, her redress is not to cut the tip but to complain to management.

This is because she knows - as your friend should have discovered after 25 years in this country -- that in certain job situations, expected tips are calculated into the otherwise low wages.

It is her strong feeling that to build the service cost into wages and pricing would benefit everyone. Nice people are often in a state of anxiety about how much to tip, and not-nice ones often shirk their responsibility. Not-nice service people may use embarrassment to provoke greater tips, and nice ones are financially penalized.

If your friend wants a tip-free haircut in the United States, he should ask to have it done by the owner of the business. Owners are not supposed to be tipped, although they are only too eager nowadays to encourage their clients to do so.

See what Miss Manners means about its being a system that brings out the worst in everyone?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it acceptable to correct one's elders, and how does one politely do so?

My uncle referred to the president of Venezuela as "Cesar Chavez"; my aunt pronounces salmon "SAL-muhn"; my mother-in-law told her young granddaughter (my niece) that "peruse" means to lightly skim over written materials.

No one likes a know-it-all, but I cringe when I hear someone making a mistake, although I certainly don't want to embarrass anyone or come across as rude. In the above examples, I said nothing to my mother-in-law and uncle, and kept repeating "SAM-uhn" to my aunt, but she never got it.

GENTLE READER: To go around correcting others is to cause embarrassment, make oneself unpopular and, as you have noticed, fail to make any impression on the person you attempted to correct. Cringing seems a small price to avoid all that.

However (and if you have faith in Miss Manners, you knew there would be a however), you can question them. To your uncle, you might have said, "Hugo? Wasn't Cesar the civil rights organizer? Remember 'No grapes'?" To your aunt, "Do they pronounce the L where salmon comes from? I've always heard it SAM-uhn." And to your mother-in-law, "I thought it was the opposite -- am I wrong?"

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I go to the grocery store several times a month. It never fails that as I'm going through checkout, the cashier will pick up one of my purchases to scan it and make a comment about the item. Sometimes he or she will say something like "Oh, these are new. Do you like these? I haven't tried them yet." They comment on snacks, drinks, make-up, clothing, etc.

One time, a female cashier actually asked me about my choice of tampons. She noticed that I had a certain type that was new on the market and held the box up asking me if they worked better, and some other questions. I thought this was very rude. There were many shoppers behind me who started giggling or looking away.

Why do these people, these cashiers who scan my purchases, have to look and comment over the items I'm buying? Does anyone want to have a conversation with the cashier about medications, foot powders, dog food or anything?

I certainly don't. It irks me to the point that I've been using the self-scanners even though they take forever on large purchases. What do you suggest I say the next time a cashier comments or questions my purchases?

GENTLE READER: "Ummm, You probably know the merchandise better than I do."

The "ummm" part represents your visible effort to pull yourself away from whatever was occupying your mind -- your thoughts, the headline about the alien space baby in the checkout scandal sheet -- to which you return immediately.

It should be repeated if the probing continues, to which you can reply, "I'm sure there must be someone here you can talk to who knows the merchandise."

As for why this happens, Miss Manners can only guess. Perhaps these are people who don't know the difference between being pleasant and being intrusive. But it is also possible that they have been instructed to chat up the customers, either because it is believed that the customers are as bored as the employees, or because it drives people like you to use the self-scanners.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When two people are eating at home, and one is serving the other "seconds" from the kitchen, perhaps microwaving it, what does the person eating do with the fork/spoon while waiting for the plate to come back? Short of getting a new/clean one as though one has servants to wash the dishes, is there a better alternative than licking it off and setting it on the table?

GENTLE READER: Just in time, Miss Manners stopped herself form making the automatic suggestion that the silverware travel into the kitchen with the plate. She hates to think what would have happened in the microwave.

But to keep up, she must go backward. What you need is a knife-rest, one of those little bars on feet, sometimes whimsically fashioned, that hold the blade of the knife (and the tines of the fork in this case) off the table, where the handles remain. Check your local flea market.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Before my friend and I went on a vacation along with our wives, I had bought four tickets for Sea World in Atlanta at a discounted price online. As we were approaching the aquarium, I realized that I lost/misplaced those tickets. Ultimately, we had to buy another set at the entrance and everybody paid for their own.

Is it right for me to ask him for the money I paid for his share of the lost tickets? Or should I just let it go?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners would not advise you to request reimbursement for tickets that you lost -- and then to go anywhere near a body of water with people to whom you suggested that.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We occasionally invite friends to join us at nice dinners out. We always make clear that we are inviting them, which to us means that we will pick up the tab. We have recently had some friends decline because "that place is out of our price range."

How can we tell them that what we really want is the pleasure of their company at a place we think we would all enjoy, and that we would pay for everything, without allowing the least reflection on their means?

Should it make a difference to your advice that, generally speaking in our circle, dinner invitations tend to be more for dinner at each other's houses, whether for pizza or home-cooked, and we have, in some cases, more financial resources than our friends?

GENTLE READER: What makes the difference is that they entertain at home, and you do not. Income and menu have nothing to do with it. In social terms, that means that they have more resources than you.

Apparently, you do not make it clear enough that you intend to be the hosts when inviting them to a restaurant, which is usually the sort of outing where people pay for themselves. Miss Manners suggests emphasizing it by saying, "We had such a wonderful time at your house, and we'd like to reciprocate by taking you to dinner."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While visiting friends this past summer, the warning sirens went off signaling that a tornado warning had been issued. The only response on the part of our friends was to turn on their laptop to check the weather report, which, of course, showed thunderstorms in the area.

When little, my husband watched from his basement window as his neighbor's roof blew away in a tornado. We have always responded to warning sirens by taking shelter in the proper place in our basement.

Our friends' response (or lack thereof) made us terribly nervous. I mentioned to them what had happened to my husband and that we always took shelter, but they just laughed and said nothing ever came over their place.

What is one to do in this situation? Do we avail ourselves of their basement whether invited to or not? Or do we remain polite and say a silent prayer?

GENTLE READER: Well, a supplication is needed, but it should be made aloud. "Please indulge us," you should plead with your hosts. "We have something of a history about tornadoes, and we will be quite emotional if we can't wait it out in your basement."

Miss Manners understands that your friends do not frighten easily, but the prospect of hysterical people bounding around on the good furniture ought to convince them of the wisdom of confining you where you are less likely to do harm.

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