DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a teacher, I am legally required to report abuse, if there is reasonable evidence of it. I was recently at my boyfriend's house when his elderly father, over 80 years old, told of an incident when his son-in-law (call him George) assaulted him. There was no visible injury, but I believed that the assault took place.

I called and reported the incident to Adult Protective Services. Now, George and his wife and daughter are angry with me. However, they will not speak to me directly. They call and harangue my boyfriend.

He defends me, as do his parents. I have been invited to their home for Thanksgiving. George and his wife and daughter will be there as well. Should I stay away until things are calmer? If I attend, should I broach the subject, ignore it, explain the legal requirements of my job, or apologize to mend fences?

I should add that the consequences of the report and subsequent investigation were confidential, so I don't know what the determination was. It is possible that George was found to be innocent.

GENTLE READER: Uh. You don't happen to have an easier question on you, do you? Like who should get the drumstick?

It is not that Miss Manners ducks the hard ones, and come to think of it, the drumstick issue is a hard one if there are 18 people at the table who want one. But she has no more idea than you whether you made a hideous mistake, coming into a household where you might have misinterpreted an exaggeration, a joke, a grudge or a metaphor, or whether you made a heroic rescue and changed dangerous family dynamics.

The people who do know and are still speaking to you are the parents. That they defend you and invite you to Thanksgiving suggests that you may have been right.

You should not ask them to betray the confidentiality of the investigation, but you can assure them that the most important thing to you is that the family have a pleasant Thanksgiving, and that if it would help, you would cheerfully absent yourself and see them on another day. And if they insist that you attend, you could delicately inquire whether you owe George an apology, or whether everything has been forgotten (meaning that the father has forgiven George and reconciled) and that it's all right for you to go, but it's better not to mention the incident.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband has a favorite recliner and forbids anyone else to sit in it, even house guests. I was raised in an old southern family that feels a guest in your home has free reign to sit whereever they would like and to tell them differently is very rude on the part of the host. Please help resolve this dispute.

GENTLE READER: Do you mind if Miss Manners also helps your husband?

Mind you, she agrees about not declaring furniture off-limits. But she is also sure that you agree with her that hosts should do everything they can to ensure their guests' comfort.

Teach him to say, "I'm afraid that chair has problems. I'm fond of it and don't mind, but I think you'll be more comfortable over there."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are planning a wedding on a fairly tight budget. We would like to have a beer-and-wine bar but can only afford about three drinks per guest. Is it acceptable for us to provide a monetary cap and switch to a cash bar once that cap is reached? Do we need to tell guests about this plan before the reception? How can we politely inform guests once the bar is approaching the limit or has switched to a cash bar?

GENTLE READER: What you need is a good punch.

No, no, no, not that kind. Very sorry. However great the temptation, Miss Manners does not go around punching people in the nose. This is not an accepted way of offering instruction in the noble art of etiquette.

And even if it were, your question is not offensive. But your proposed solutions would be. There is no polite way to tell guests that they will be sharing the costs of refreshments.

Of course, you can simply leave instructions that the bar be closed at a certain time and hope nobody tugs at the train of your wedding dress and asks, "How does anyone get a drink around here?"

Or you can serve them ample amounts of punch, which will provide them with the amount of spirits you can afford and was once considered a hospitable and festive drink appropriate to a wedding. It might startle them, and you might station a waiter nearby to reassure them by saying cheerfully, "It's rather strong, sir." But they might get to like it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend died recently. He was not married, nor did he have any close relatives. As executor of his will, I had to tell his friends of his death. He had been in declining health for some years, so this was not a surprise to anyone.

I chose to write a letter rather than making dozens of phone calls. Unfortunately, I am not terribly creative and am afraid I botched everything. If I am ever in such a position again, could you give me a few pointers on how to do this properly?

GENTLE READER: Creativity is the last thing that is needed in such a case. When people botch such things, it is usually because they go beyond supplying information and offering sympathy to devise what are intended to be comforting thoughts. "It is all for the best," for example, or "It must be a relief."

This strikes an unpleasant note. Death is a fresh shock, even when it is expected, and it is the occasion to express appreciation and regret for the person who was a friend, not to dwell on the curtailed life he had at the end.

Such a letter needn't be long, but should contain three ingredients: the facts of the death, praise for the person and acknowledgement of his friendship with the recipient.

For example, "I am very sorry to have to tell you that Jasper McElwood succumbed to pneumonia on November second at Mercy Hospital. He was an inspired teacher and a delightful companion, and I know he valued your friendship."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend, who is from Norway, where they don't tip, had his hair cut. He offered his credit card to pay for it, and the haircutter pointed to the tip part and said he was suppose to fill that out. I said he could put a "0" in or not go back to this hair establishment.

Do you have any advice for him? He has lived in this country 25 years, but he goes back to Norway every year, and he doesn't believe in tipping.

GENTLE READER: Tell your friend that he doesn't have to believe in tipping. All he has to do is to tip.

Miss Manners abhors the tipping system. But she tips without fail. If the service is bad, her redress is not to cut the tip but to complain to management.

This is because she knows - as your friend should have discovered after 25 years in this country -- that in certain job situations, expected tips are calculated into the otherwise low wages.

It is her strong feeling that to build the service cost into wages and pricing would benefit everyone. Nice people are often in a state of anxiety about how much to tip, and not-nice ones often shirk their responsibility. Not-nice service people may use embarrassment to provoke greater tips, and nice ones are financially penalized.

If your friend wants a tip-free haircut in the United States, he should ask to have it done by the owner of the business. Owners are not supposed to be tipped, although they are only too eager nowadays to encourage their clients to do so.

See what Miss Manners means about its being a system that brings out the worst in everyone?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it acceptable to correct one's elders, and how does one politely do so?

My uncle referred to the president of Venezuela as "Cesar Chavez"; my aunt pronounces salmon "SAL-muhn"; my mother-in-law told her young granddaughter (my niece) that "peruse" means to lightly skim over written materials.

No one likes a know-it-all, but I cringe when I hear someone making a mistake, although I certainly don't want to embarrass anyone or come across as rude. In the above examples, I said nothing to my mother-in-law and uncle, and kept repeating "SAM-uhn" to my aunt, but she never got it.

GENTLE READER: To go around correcting others is to cause embarrassment, make oneself unpopular and, as you have noticed, fail to make any impression on the person you attempted to correct. Cringing seems a small price to avoid all that.

However (and if you have faith in Miss Manners, you knew there would be a however), you can question them. To your uncle, you might have said, "Hugo? Wasn't Cesar the civil rights organizer? Remember 'No grapes'?" To your aunt, "Do they pronounce the L where salmon comes from? I've always heard it SAM-uhn." And to your mother-in-law, "I thought it was the opposite -- am I wrong?"

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