DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live and work in a small, localized neighborhood within a large metropolitan city. My job is in retail, and I am paid handsomely to be friendly and courteous to people I would normally prefer not to associate with in my personal life.

Sometimes I pass these people on the sidewalk on my days off, and I understand that if we make eye contact, it is proper for me to acknowledge them with a smile and a nod.

What are my obligations to these people when they are wearing sunglasses and I really have no idea if they are seeing me or not?

Often I will smile and look at them in the eyes as best I can but usually end up feeling foolish and wishing I hadn't when I realize they hadn't even noticed me coming in the opposite direction. Being that I live in a large city, it is not unusual to pass hundreds of other people a day without any contact at all.

Am I just overly sensitive, or am I allowed to ignore these occasional customers with sunglasses on?

GENTLE READER: If there is a more minimal obligation to perform than a passing smile and a nod to an acquaintance, Miss Manners cannot think what it would be. And if there is a more baseless source of embarrassment than the supposed reaction of someone who didn't even see oneself, what would that be?

Acknowledging someone's existence is not an endorsement; failing to do so, unless it is clearly accidental, is an insult. Miss Manners suggests that you make the effort -- or start wearing sunglasses.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I attended a pre-opera lecture before a production. The speaker was a college professor expert in the composer's life and the work to be performed.

A crowd of about 600 was in the auditorium, so the speaker was using a microphone. As he began, a woman several rows behind me began shouting that she couldn't hear. She kept this up regularly throughout the talk with the result that none of us could easily hear anything but her. The speaker chose to ignore her after he had pointed out that he was doing his best to make himself heard.

I was unsure what to do, and simply sat and tried to make the best of it. Thinking of it now, I feel perhaps I should have asked the head usher to attempt to quiet the woman by moving her closer to the loudspeakers. Could you please let me know if that would be acceptable?

GENTLE READER: Certainly, but Miss Manners begs you to think of it -- and to phrase it -- as assisting the lady, rather than shutting her up.

In fact, the first people in an audience who call out "We can't hear" are doing a service. The lecturer needs to know that, and to adjust. It was the repetition by someone who apparently was the only person with difficulty that made it annoying.

So yes, by all means, you should have attempted to help the lady -- and the rest of the audience, whose problem of hearing she was causing -- as long as you did it politely.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Two months ago, I started a beautiful relationship with a 59-year-old guy. I am 44. We broke up with our current relationships based on the strong feelings we felt for each other.

After a month of feeling bad for his ex, my new man says he feels we should take a break, but after a few days, he wanted to see me. He hugs me for dear life when he does see me, but when we speak on the phone, he goes back to "let's take a break." I do not understand what's going on. He is talking with the ex, and I do believe him when he says there is no intimacy, they're establishing a better friendship. He was feeling a lot of guilt from their breakup.

The other day (Monday), he was to return my call, and I waited all night. Keep in mind he just lost a friend on Friday or Saturday. I decided to call and let the phone ring over and over. I left two bad messages, but I let it ring over and over.

Well, he finally called back to say this was the last time he'll talk to me. (He had said that to the ex when she visited me at the job, but now they're talking.) He told me I should've checked my e-mail. I was unaware that hours before. he sent me this message: "Please let it be for now. I ask for solitude at this time. I am OK, but I ask that you not call me. I need to be alone. Thanks."

I felt so bad. I would not have called like that. How do I make up? I sent a reply that I had wanted him to see this important DVD that will help us both. He did not respond. I want to go by his home -- should I? Help.

GENTLE READER: Oh, dear. This is a lesson you should have learned 30 years ago. You wouldn't have believed your mother when she told you what to do, or rather what not to do, but at least she would have been on hand to dry your tears.

When a romance gets to the point where the other person asks to be left alone, talking does not help. Suggesting relationship material does not help. Apologizing for calling does not help. All that makes it worse.

Your only hope is to leave him strictly alone.

Hope? Hope? Did Miss Manners get your attention with the only possibility that interests you?

It is only a very slim hope. But if anything works to reverse a break-up, it is the emotional realization of what one has lost. This is what happened to your beau in regard to your predecessor. He dumped her for you, realized she was really gone, and went back.

In contrast, you are not gone: You are hanging around, and in a rather irritating manner, Miss Manners has to say. Instead, you should have made yourself totally unavailable at the first indication of his defection, so that his regret focused, instead, on you.

At this point, it is not easy, and no, you can't call him to say you are writing him off and going on with your life. But if you can get out and about, in an apparently relieved and happy state, word may get back to him.

Miss Manners promises nothing. But this approach will at least help you recover by giving you back your dignity.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work at a rather large corporate office. This year, we've had several top executives leave, and our human resources manager, who has organized going-away parties for them, directly solicits money from the staff.

She makes public lists of who has donated, and how much. More importantly, she keeps a list of who doesn't donate.

I'm nearly 40 and am one of the lowest-paid people in the office. The exiting execs (who have not retired, just left for better opportunities) have salaries well into the six figures and bonuses double that.

Asking for $25 still isn't a lot, and it's something I'd be willing to invest for my career, or donate toward a meaningful gift, or a gift for someone I know. It just feels awkward when the donations go to envelopes of cash.

There is no going-away gift, just cash or gift credit cards. There are going-away cards, but only certain people in the office are allowed to sign them, regardless of donation. Ultimately, I probably need to just do what I'm told and fork over the cash to the millionaire, but is there an etiquette alternative?

GENTLE READER: Wait -- your executives left for better opportunities? Not for jail or breadlines?

Has Miss Manners held onto this question too long?

Even if so, the attitude behind it is indicative of current problems. Years ago, many businesses offered retirement parties and presents to employees at all levels. Then -- even before hard times hit -- they decided to cut costs, but not by abandoning such perks, which would at least have been a defensible business decision.

Instead, they kept them, paying when it concerned executives while expecting the lower-level employees to sponsor them for one another. What you describe is a new low -- expecting the lower-level to sponsor the higher.

Miss Manners understands that it is difficult for individuals to resist pressure from above. You must enlist your colleagues, some of whom will be timid but none of whom, she dares say, will be disappointed to be deprived of the chance to enrich the rich. It will be sufficient for all of you to say that you are sorry not to participate, but that at your salaries, you cannot afford that luxury.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My niece sent her grand aunt a thank you note for her college graduation gift of money. My aunt was offended because she was addressed as "Dear Mr. and Mrs. Smith," not "Dear Aunt Mary and Uncle Frank ... thank your for your generous gift of money...."

My aunt is hurt by how impersonal the note was from my niece. It's been five months. Is it too late for my niece to make things right? How should she go about it?

GENTLE READER: Although Miss Manners is not in the habit of writing young people's letters for them, she is softened by the fact that your daughter did write and that although she erred, it was on the side of formality.

So here goes: "Dear Aunt Mary and Uncle Frank, I am devastated to think that my clumsy note might have sounded cold, rather than respectful. It is a privilege to be able to address you as my very dear Aunt Mary and Uncle Frank."

No, this doesn't make any sense. However, it will work.

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