Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On Thanksgiving, my husband and I have for a number of years gone to a family dinner at my sister's. There are other relatives in attendance, usually at least eight, sometimes more.

Because we're there for four or five hours and the event includes hors d'oeuvres, chatting, playing with children and other casual activities, I usually bring along my holiday cards to address. I accomplish this one card at a time, keeping the stack near me, not spread out.

I was floored yesterday when my sister told me she'd thought for years that my mindless task, during which I can talk, nibble and sip, was rude. I thanked her for telling me but said I planned to continue and adjourned to the basement to do so, returning to help with the meal.

Afterwards, I gave a lot of thought to this matter. I don't view my task as any more disruptive to proceedings than knitting or doing needlework. It certainly takes as little attention. Then I compared it to paging through a newspaper or magazine or even watching TV (always indulged in for football games on Thanksgiving), although that tends to be a group activity.

Can you advise? Before I broach the subject again with my sister to explain my point of view, I'd like to know if there are guidelines in this type of group setting.

GENTLE READER: What about video games, texting, telephoning and all the other ways people now avoid the boredom of socializing with their relatives and friends?

Social multitasking has become a serious etiquette problem despite the benign origins that you mention. Needlework, including knitting, has indeed been long considered acceptable, even decorous. Although this dates from a time when ladies were presumed not to take part in serious conversation anyway, Miss Manners agrees that it is generally compatible with full participation.

Four years of watching college classmates turn out three-color sweaters while simultaneously mastering Greek and higher mathematics has convinced her of that. She has therefore grandmothered it in, so to speak.

Perhaps you would agree that all forms of communication with people who are not present do remove attention from those who are, which makes those electronic possibilities rude.

But you are pleading a middle ground. Miss Manners concedes that on long visits, typically including overnight stays but stretching it to include all-day holiday gatherings, the company may divide into sub-group activities, such as playing or watching a game together. Parents may need some time tending to small children. Someone may be in urgent need of a nap.

However, let us not forget that the idea is for people to get together. Despite the claims of students that they can do their homework while watching television, reading and writing require concentration. And even if you don't give it that, these activities look as if the full concentration is focused elsewhere.

So yes, Miss Manners agrees with your sister and hostess that bringing and performing an unrelated social task shows that you anticipate being bored. And you proved it when challenged by choosing that task over the company.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At one of the universities where I teach as an adjunct, I had some problems setting up a projector and my personal computer before class.

As I am new to this particular campus, a full-time professor happened by, and, noticing my problem, offered some obvious suggestions for getting the system up and running. However, along with his comments about "closing all these other programs" (the ones I needed for the presentation), he kept throwing in little jabs like, "With a slow computer like that..." and "With an old computer like that one...". I think he may even have described my computer as "crappy."

I found myself taking offense at his comments, which were certainly not helpful to my immediate situation. I was hurt, as I would have been if he had insulted my children or my home.

Am I being too sensitive? My computer is only 3 years old, and it is an important tool that I rely on to do my work every day.

I was tempted to say, "Well, I can't afford to spend one-fourth of my pay this semester to buy a faster computer. Do you want to buy one for me?" (Adjuncts are paid less-than-poverty wages to do almost half the work that full-time tenured professors do. Those professors are paid much more handsomely and get benefits like health insurance and state retirement.)

I think he should have said, "You know, there are faster computers that you can borrow from the media center every day for class." Am I correct? How should I have handled the situation?

GENTLE READER: Correct? To equate criticizing your computer with insulting your children? Miss Manners is as sporadically fond of her computer as anyone else, but she would not fight a duel to defend its honor.

True, the professor could have been more helpful -- could even have minded his own business since he seemed to know less than you about how to set this up.

But you could have dismissed him with a simple "Thanks, I'll manage." The likelihood of his taking up the cause of pay increases for adjuncts was equal to that of his buying you a computer. But if you really couldn't contain yourself, you could have said cheerfully, "Well, it's what I can afford."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it appropriate for a man to send a wedding gift to a couple for not attending their wedding? Will a sorry suffice? Due to an uncertain schedule, I wasn't able to answer the RSVP properly. In fact, I was asked through e-mail if I would go or not. I said no, but the guilt still remains.

GENTLE READER: The reason for sending a wedding present is the same as the reason for attending a wedding (or feeling deep, genuine regret about not being able to attend): that you care about the couple and want to show this symbolically.

Miss Manners is guessing that this is not the case here. Sending one anyway may indeed sweeten the effect of your rudeness in not answering the invitation, but it should not assuage the guilt you quite properly feel.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When conversing, I find a new trend -- more and more people making assertive statements about me or my family.

The statements are not unpleasant, but they are often false. I feel compelled to correct them, but this puts me in the uncomfortable position of contradicting them. When it becomes a series of assertions followed by my contradictions, the conversation loses all joy.

The statements are so inoffensive on their face that anger would be inappropriate: You live in Brambly. You work at the Post Office. You have relatives in Biggity. You like ratatouille. You speak Russian.

Should I just let those statements go by even if I actually live in Gumble, work at the library, have no relatives in Biggity, abhor eggplant, and don't even know the Russian word for cat?

Initially, I thought I was encountering a family or local habit, or people who watched too many sitcoms on TV. However, several friends have brought up the distressing habit -- which seems to affect mostly people younger than ourselves but is rapidly spreading -- and we have concluded that it is a trend.

I tried humor once, saying "Perhaps I should tell you about myself instead of you telling about myself," but was met with a blank stare. Obviously, she was not aware that she was making rapid statements about me, most inaccurate, and forcing me to correct her assumptions.

Is this the new form of "How do you do?" Help, I need the new form of "Fine, thank you."

GENTLE READER: Personally, Miss Manners would be tempted to say, "My Russian is not nearly as fluent as my Pig Latin," and "That was before Brambly was overrun by the Ottoman Empire." After all, it hardly matters what you say to people who are not listening. And the strange concept called multitasking may well have increased their number.

If your object is to set your friends straight (rather than simply to amuse yourself during a nonconversation, which was Miss Manners' idea), keep asking, "Really? Who told you that?" Eventually the pattern might summon a bit of attention.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: With cold and flu season upon us, many well-meaning relatives and friends have offered me bottles of supplements or boxes of herbal teas (I am not well off financially, and I know these people have the kindest of intentions).

Alas, I just don't take any kind of herb or supplement. Because these things are pricey, I want to say, "How kind, but if you can use it, I would rather you keep it," but something tells me this is an etiquette no-no.

GENTLE READER: Refusing a present is indeed a put-down, if not a downright insult. At best, it says, "I know you mean to be thoughtful, but you didn't think enough."

Therefore, Miss Manners hopes you will be more careful when you pass on these items to someone or some organization that might be able to make good use of them. Do not characterize them as presents, but say that you cannot use them and inquire first if they would be of help.

: