DEAR MISS MANNERS: In an e-mail from a high school friend with whom I had only recently reconnected, he told me about his pain at seeing his daughter off at the airport as she headed for distant lands to spend a year teaching English.

He followed this with the comment that he was sure I'd understand because he knew my son had gone to Afghanistan.

Miss Manners, as the destination would indicate, my son was not going off on some exciting cross-cultural adventure. He was an Army Sapper. This means he and his squad were hiking out miles away from any base on their own -- sometimes as few as four solders.

When he left, one of my daughters calculated the odds of him making it home alive. I was terrified the entire time he was gone and would definitely have resorted to pharmaceuticals if I hadn't had wonderful support from friends and family.

In person, my first impulse is almost always to be nice when someone makes a careless remark. If the friend had said this to me in person, even I might have snapped something like, "Oh, are you expecting people to be shooting at her?" but since it was an e-mail, I have had time to consider, and that has only served to confuse.

My son is home safe and mostly OK. He's been discharged with only some disability. Unfortunately, on that same day, I got e-mails from some of the women who had family in my son's unit. One woman lost her son during that deployment. Another told me of her boy's hearing loss and PTSD. The third told of her nephew's struggles with recovering from severe brain trauma.

So perhaps I am just feeling a little overwrought.

My confusion stems from not knowing exactly when it is appropriate to drag out the soapbox -- ever so gently, of course. Should I say anything in my reply or not? Perhaps I could just send a regular note but include links to articles on the dangers and difficulties soldiers face in Afghanistan?

It wouldn't kill me to just ignore it. I know it was innocent and well meant, but it also strikes me as egregiously ignorant.

GENTLE READER-- Of course you are overwrought, as how could you not be? But as you have just seen, comparisons of worries -- and, for that matter, comparisons of children -- are offensive.

So why should you make them?

Your friend was addressing the fact that he misses his daughter and worries about her, knowing that you missed your son and worried about him. Yes, there is a order of magnitude difference -- but there is also an order of magnitude difference between your situation now and that of the ladies who sought your comfort and sympathy.

You would not have cared to have them bitterly compare the outcome for your son in contrast to their relatives' fate.

So Miss Manners begs you to let this go if you can. And if you cannot, then please confine yourself to saying that you are grateful that your friend's daughter will not be in harm's way.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I often have one to four guests over to my home to watch a movie with me. Inevitably, one of us has to leave the room to attend to, ah, some sort of personal business.

What is the etiquette when this happens? Do we stop the movie and wait for the person to come back or make the one who leaves miss part of it? Sometimes it's just 60 seconds to use the restroom, but sometimes I have to go attend to my toddler son if he wakes up, and that can take 15 minutes or so.

GENTLE READER: It is called an intermission, and Miss Manners suggests that you give advance notice of scheduling one. And that you do not serve beer.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother-in-law is from France and writes "EV" on letters and invitations that are hand-delivered (either delivered by her or on her behalf.) She explained that this stands for "en ville" or "in town" and that in the past it was customary to write this on letters one intended to give directly to recipients.

I like the idea and was wondering if there is an "American" equivalent, or is it acceptable for me to use EV? Should I use it at all?

GENTLE READER: Are there not enough people who claim they don't understand "R.s.v.p."? Miss Manners asks you to refrain from bewildering your correspondents by throwing in another foreign abbreviation. (You didn't understand it, either, until your mother-in-law explained it.)

In simpler days, Americans could write "City" on a letter sent to the city in which it originated, and it would arrive by post.

Even now, if you send your letters by footman (who probably uses a bicycle), it is proper to write "By hand" in the lower-left hand corner of the envelope. If a friend delivers it for you, the correct acknowledgement to put there is "Kindness of" with that person's name, refraining from sealing the envelope as a sign of trust in your messenger.

However, if you hand it over to the recipient yourself, none of these applies. Still, Miss Manners supposes you can write whatever you like without worrying that it will go astray.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am getting married next spring and had been planning a wedding of about 75 guests. The wedding planning has taken on a life of its own, and I have been overwhelmed by the details and the cost.

In our current economic climate, the practical side of me can not quite rationalize the expense for which this wedding will cost my parents. It is after all, only one day. After a recent meeting with my caterer, I realized that I was planning someone else's wedding, not the wedding I think I had always envisioned for myself.

Since coming to this realization, my fiance and I have decided to nix the larger ceremony and reception for a private ceremony and dinner with our immediate family at a lovely inn not far from where we live.

Quite a few of our friends and extended family were aware of our wedding date and plans. Now that those plans have changed, I am wondering the best way to let them know that our plans have changed and they shouldn't expect an invitation come spring.

GENTLE READER: This is a rare case where Miss Manners not only permits but promotes the concept of it's-all-about-us. Anything you tell the no-longer guests about cutting down expenses and curtailing the entertainment is in danger of sounding as if the least painful part for you to cut was sharing the day with them.

You would do better to acquire a dreamy-eyed look and to confide, "We've decided to elope." Elope is such a nicely vague and romantic way to refer to anything short of a wedding with the usual bells and whistles, and it does not preclude admitting afterward that you could not bear to cut out the immediate family.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it acceptable to announce your engagement when your sister is standing in the receiving line at her husband's viewing? If not, what would have been the acceptable way to handle a situation like this?

GENTLE READER: Wait -- you (was it you?) were accepting condolences near your husband's coffin when your sister shrieked, "Guess what! I'm engaged!"

Or perhaps someone inquired about that unknown gentleman who seemed to be one of the immediate family, and your sister replied, "That is my fiance. What with my poor brother-in-law's illness, we haven't had a chance to tell people."

Something in between the two, Miss Manners is guessing. Deaths often bring together people who have not seen each other for a while and, just as many no longer dress for the occasion, those who should be mourners often fail to adjust their ordinary social manners for the occasion.

Typically, people will be calling out "Nice to see you!" to one another, chatting away to catch up, and indulging in small talk and even jokes.

This is bound to be upsetting to those who are truly mourning. Proper funereal posture is a sad, or at least composed, face with a low voice. Acquaintanceship should be acknowledged with a slight bow, and conversation should be limited to essentials, reminiscences of the deceased and concern for the survivors.

If your sister violated that during the viewing, you might have cautioned her by whispering, "Why don't you talk to people farther away?"

But that time is past. Funerals, like weddings, are known to ignite family feuds when the participants critique one another's behavior. Miss Manners begs you to let it drop.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My best friend loves sushi and has hosted several sushi parties at her home. Because of the cost, she has asked her guests to contribute money on each occasion.

These events are always "all you can eat," but each time she hosts a party, the cost goes up. The first time it was $10 a guest, but then the sushi was purchased at a more upscale restaurant, so it cost $20. At the last party, she had a professional chef come to her house and make the sushi, and the cost was $40.

At each party, I declined to take part in the sushi eating and simply ate whatever free snacks were available. As the parties progressed, there was less and less other food available, and at the last party there was one plate of chips and dip.

I have always been taught that it is rude to charge people for food at parties and that if you cannot afford a certain food, you should serve something cheaper. Some people have suggested I just not attend, but I did want to see my friends and celebrate her birthday. What are your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: Your best friend is running a sushi restaurant. She may or may not be making money from this, but she most certainly is not giving parties.

As you realize, hospitality consists of sharing, not selling. Should you want to see your friends, and to celebrate this lady's birthday, Miss Manners recommends your demonstrating this to them as befits your means.

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