DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had a discussion with a lady who is to be married to a cousin of mine. She said that black tie means you must wear a bow tie.

I told her that in different cultures that was not the case. I did not mean different countries, which is what she thought at first. I meant if you live in New York, Dallas, San Fran, Small Town, Large Town, High Society, Middle Class, Rich, or Poor that the standards for a Black Tie are different.

I did my research and found that standard on a few Web sites means you must wear a bow tie. However I still feel very upset at her, due to the tone she used and the fact that even with the Web sites I found, I still feel if you are in a poor group of people Black Tie would mean something different. I know it would be nice to have these things spelled out.

However, I have lived in different parts of the country. In the Boston area you can ask for a Tonic and they will assume you mean a Coke, Pepsi or some other carbonated drink. In Wichita, Kan., you could simply ask for a pop and it would mean the same. Different words and different understanding of words show up in different groups of people.

I had ideas on what a wedding should include when I married and my wife had different ideas. Some people assume all weddings have dancing, some assume all weddings have a sit-down meal after the wedding. However, that all depends on where you live and what your family's ideas are about these things.

I am not sure what I am asking other than I am upset and she will not know I am upset unless she invites me to a black tie party or wedding. I will not be getting a tux unless I am part of the wedding party. I feel that the cost of a tux is to much just to go to the party or wedding.

GENTLE READER: It never fails to astonish Miss Manners how hysterical some gentlemen become when asked to dress up. Here you found that your hypothesis about regional variation was wrong, and yet you won't give up. And you are raring to take it out on your cousin's bride.

Unless a gentleman is accepting an Academy Award, he is not supposed to make himself conspicuous by deviating from the standard -- and it is standard, whatever you say -- style of the occasion. Ladies have considerably more leeway (and have been known to abuse it). The advantages are that gentlemen don't have to fuss over what to wear -- and that they can easily rent evening clothes.

If this is too much of a sacrifice for you don't go to your cousin's wedding. But don't take it out on his bride.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the correct way to say, "I accept your apology, even though I still think what you did was unacceptable"?

GENTLE READER: "I appreciate your saying that."

This is the noncommittal equivalent of that noncommittal apology so favored by politicians, "I'm sorry if you took offense."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My children, who are 6, 7 and 12, have three sets of grandparents, 14 aunts and uncles and eight cousins. We live a good distance from all of them but visit as much as we can. We usually spend Thanksgiving with the relatives, so Christmas time is a time for just us.

It has become an especially difficult time concerning the gifts my children receive. In the past, we've allowed Christmas morning to be joyous and crazy and full of laughter as the packages are ripped open. Thank you notes are written in crayon with drawings and x's and o's but not specific to the exact gift given (ex: Thank you so much, Grandma, for the wonderful gifts you sent at Christmas -- I had a wonderful day).

I think they're precious. But the last time the kids did this "vague" type of thank you note, I got a very rude response from my mother-in-law. Basically, "If the kids can't recall what I gave them, don't bother having them do a thank you note."

So to appease her, I had out a notebook and pen on Christmas morning and made the kids report to me one at a time what each gift was and who it was from so the thank you notes could be more specific.

It was torture. For them and myself. It ruined Christmas morning for me wanting to see my kids dive into the gift opening, and I'm sure it drove them crazy. I was writing and missed their expressions.

Yes, it teaches patience, and yes, it makes them more aware of the giver. But because of the sheer amount of gifts and the writing necessary -- it just seemed ridiculous. We can't video tape it -- our camera has been broken for the last few months and with my husband out of work, the chance of purchasing a new one is doubtful -- at least for now.

For the sake of family harmony, I will continue doing it this way, but I was curious about what you thought.

My children are being brought up in a strict but loving home and have always been taught to be appreciative -- and they are. I just don't get why Christmas morning has now had to turn into this overorganized, list making Bruha-ha.

GENTLE READER: Torture? Did you actually say this was torture?

Forgive Miss Manners, but she is not as charmed as you are by the spectacle of your children tearing into one package after another without pausing to consider who gave what.

However, if you enjoy it so much, why shouldn't you draw out the pleasure by putting down your pad and pen and watching their faces at each opening, before calling them over to report what they got?

Although you resented your mother-in-law's harsh way of saying so, she is right that a form letter of thanks is thoughtless. If you want to see the pleasure on your children's faces, surely you can imagine that their relatives at least want to hear about the pleasure they have produced.

Sorry if it ruins your Christmas to have some consideration for others.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please tell me what the proper etiquette is when one sees a neighbor's belongings tossed into the street because their house was foreclosed? Several houses in my neighborhood have been foreclosed in recent months, and things being what they are this situation is likely to happen again.

Do I look away and pretend nothing is happening? Invite them over for dinner? Is there some kind of protocol for offering assistance in this situation? My mother never covered foreclosure manners with me.

GENTLE READER: Pretending not to notice that an acquaintance is misbehaving may be tactful -- but pretending not to notice that an acquaintance is in trouble is just plain cruel.

Miss Manners assures you that the neighbor sees you perfectly well, and concludes that his misfortune has made you cut him.

But then, again, you don't want to be nosy. Please go over and just say how sorry you are and how much you would like to be of help -- offering dinner, storage of their things, or what other assistance would be useful.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I agree with you entirely that it is rude to text while out with friends or family. It should not pull you away from real life, but instead, be a form of communicating when necessary.

That being said, I strongly believe in telephone calls and think that is the best way to communicate. If one of my friends does not answer the phone, I always leave a message and expect to hear back from them within one or two days.

Lately, one of my friends of 10 years and more has not responded to three of my voicemails, but texts me approximately two weeks after my third message and says "I'm sorry I haven't gotten back to you. Let's make plans." When I try calling her back again, she does not answer me for one to two days and then texts me again.

I understand that we get busy every once in awhile and sometimes need our space that I can respect. But this "new fad" is getting to me. How should I respond the next time I see her, if at all?

GENTLE READER: Fads come and go. But new methods of communication are not going to disappear.

Miss Manners only wishes, as do you, that people would realize that the old ones needn't disappear. True, the Pony Express hasn't come by for a while, but even the handwritten word is still available for those of us who choose to use it.

Ideally, we should all be fluent in all forms, choosing the right one for each use. But people do tend to have their favorites, and because texting and telephoning are both suitable for making plans, you cannot really fault your friend. She is, after all, asking to make plans for the best form of communication between you -- a face-to-face visit.

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