DEAR MISS MANNERS: What's the correct way for a man to choose or change dance partners without making others feel bad?

I've been going to a social dance club. I normally show up without a date, as do several other men and women. I'm there just for an evening's diversion.

I don't want anyone to feel left out. How do I ask one woman to dance without making the woman next to her feel like lesser goods? Is there a polite way to stop dancing with a current partner so I can ask a woman who's been left sitting? I've gotten to know some of the women who are regulars, but others are strangers to me.

GENTLE READER: A gentleman should never leave a lady stranded on or near a dance floor -- a rule that has led to desperate signals in the attempt to palm off a dance partner with whom he does not wish to continue.

So if no one leaps over to take her off his hands, he finishes the dance, thanks the lady and escorts her back to join others on the sidelines, where he found her. Similarly, he does not whisk a lady to the dance floor if she is with only one other lady, who would then be stranded (which is why ladies should not stand around in pairs). But if he must, he should say to the remaining lady, "And may I engage you for the next dance?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please address the proper use of the chargers that are so popular today. Everyone seems to have a different idea.

Is it put on the table and left there throughout the meal, removing the salad plate and replacing it with the dinner plate, etc.; or is the dinner plate put on the charger and salad plate put on top of it? One friend says she's so glad to use it because she doesn't have to use a place mat.

GENTLE READER: Is she going to put the food on the tabletop when it is removed? Or will that stack of dishes, one on top of the other, fall over first?

The charger, or place plate ("charger" sounds too aggressive for Miss Manners), is set at each place at the start of the meal, and a soup plate or other smaller first-course plate may be set on it. However, it must then be removed and replaced by the dinner plate. It is not allowed to stay for the entire meal.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband is very unusual -- he likes to do the thank you notes, birthdays, etc. He probably sends over 500 notes a year.

Recently, he sent a mutual friend of ours a sympathy card, for her brother, whom we did not know -- and now she is put out with me for the fact that I did not sign it also. Isn't his signature adequate to suffice?

GENTLE READER: His signature, yes. Only one person can write, and therefore should sign, a letter. But does he not know to include you in the text, as in "Imogene and I were so sorry to hear..."?

Miss Manners gives him great credit for doing a noble job, one that was once the sole burden of wives. If that disgruntled and ungrateful recipient objects merely because he is the family letter-writer, do not let it trouble you.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had a discussion with a lady who is to be married to a cousin of mine. She said that black tie means you must wear a bow tie.

I told her that in different cultures that was not the case. I did not mean different countries, which is what she thought at first. I meant if you live in New York, Dallas, San Fran, Small Town, Large Town, High Society, Middle Class, Rich, or Poor that the standards for a Black Tie are different.

I did my research and found that standard on a few Web sites means you must wear a bow tie. However I still feel very upset at her, due to the tone she used and the fact that even with the Web sites I found, I still feel if you are in a poor group of people Black Tie would mean something different. I know it would be nice to have these things spelled out.

However, I have lived in different parts of the country. In the Boston area you can ask for a Tonic and they will assume you mean a Coke, Pepsi or some other carbonated drink. In Wichita, Kan., you could simply ask for a pop and it would mean the same. Different words and different understanding of words show up in different groups of people.

I had ideas on what a wedding should include when I married and my wife had different ideas. Some people assume all weddings have dancing, some assume all weddings have a sit-down meal after the wedding. However, that all depends on where you live and what your family's ideas are about these things.

I am not sure what I am asking other than I am upset and she will not know I am upset unless she invites me to a black tie party or wedding. I will not be getting a tux unless I am part of the wedding party. I feel that the cost of a tux is to much just to go to the party or wedding.

GENTLE READER: It never fails to astonish Miss Manners how hysterical some gentlemen become when asked to dress up. Here you found that your hypothesis about regional variation was wrong, and yet you won't give up. And you are raring to take it out on your cousin's bride.

Unless a gentleman is accepting an Academy Award, he is not supposed to make himself conspicuous by deviating from the standard -- and it is standard, whatever you say -- style of the occasion. Ladies have considerably more leeway (and have been known to abuse it). The advantages are that gentlemen don't have to fuss over what to wear -- and that they can easily rent evening clothes.

If this is too much of a sacrifice for you don't go to your cousin's wedding. But don't take it out on his bride.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the correct way to say, "I accept your apology, even though I still think what you did was unacceptable"?

GENTLE READER: "I appreciate your saying that."

This is the noncommittal equivalent of that noncommittal apology so favored by politicians, "I'm sorry if you took offense."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My children, who are 6, 7 and 12, have three sets of grandparents, 14 aunts and uncles and eight cousins. We live a good distance from all of them but visit as much as we can. We usually spend Thanksgiving with the relatives, so Christmas time is a time for just us.

It has become an especially difficult time concerning the gifts my children receive. In the past, we've allowed Christmas morning to be joyous and crazy and full of laughter as the packages are ripped open. Thank you notes are written in crayon with drawings and x's and o's but not specific to the exact gift given (ex: Thank you so much, Grandma, for the wonderful gifts you sent at Christmas -- I had a wonderful day).

I think they're precious. But the last time the kids did this "vague" type of thank you note, I got a very rude response from my mother-in-law. Basically, "If the kids can't recall what I gave them, don't bother having them do a thank you note."

So to appease her, I had out a notebook and pen on Christmas morning and made the kids report to me one at a time what each gift was and who it was from so the thank you notes could be more specific.

It was torture. For them and myself. It ruined Christmas morning for me wanting to see my kids dive into the gift opening, and I'm sure it drove them crazy. I was writing and missed their expressions.

Yes, it teaches patience, and yes, it makes them more aware of the giver. But because of the sheer amount of gifts and the writing necessary -- it just seemed ridiculous. We can't video tape it -- our camera has been broken for the last few months and with my husband out of work, the chance of purchasing a new one is doubtful -- at least for now.

For the sake of family harmony, I will continue doing it this way, but I was curious about what you thought.

My children are being brought up in a strict but loving home and have always been taught to be appreciative -- and they are. I just don't get why Christmas morning has now had to turn into this overorganized, list making Bruha-ha.

GENTLE READER: Torture? Did you actually say this was torture?

Forgive Miss Manners, but she is not as charmed as you are by the spectacle of your children tearing into one package after another without pausing to consider who gave what.

However, if you enjoy it so much, why shouldn't you draw out the pleasure by putting down your pad and pen and watching their faces at each opening, before calling them over to report what they got?

Although you resented your mother-in-law's harsh way of saying so, she is right that a form letter of thanks is thoughtless. If you want to see the pleasure on your children's faces, surely you can imagine that their relatives at least want to hear about the pleasure they have produced.

Sorry if it ruins your Christmas to have some consideration for others.

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