DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in a small town, and each Thanksgiving, I invite all of the singles and people who are "at loose ends" to dinner.

I know that it is old-fashioned to expect an RSVP, so I try not to be disappointed when I don't get one. I don't want to hurt people's feelings, but I am tired of having unexpected guests arrive and having to redo the table settings and worry about whether I have enough wine, so I won't invite any of the non responders or "surprise attendees" next year.

When I fail to invite these people next year and they ask if I'm having the event, what should I say?

GENTLE READER: Old-fashioned to expect people to reply to invitations?

Miss Manners begs your pardon, she -- not scof?aws, however many they may be -- is in charge of deciding when etiquette rules are no longer useful.

Obviously, this rule is crucial to everyone who has the generosity to entertain. If those who abused your hospitality commit the further rudeness of angling for more invitations and perhaps complaining if these are not forthcoming, you should tell them, with a gracious smile, "I didn't hear from you beforehand, so I assume that it was not of great interest to you."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What are the duties of a divorced father of the groom who does not have a good relationship with the mother of the groom?

GENTLE READER: His chief duty is to pretend, for the duration of the festivities, that he does have a good relationship with the mother of the bridegroom.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a good friend whose husband is unfortunately in the last stages of a terminal disease. When I asked her what I could do to help out (I have already been bringing food, inviting them over, etc.), she replied that when she was widowed, she wanted all of her friends to commit to inviting her to dinner parties at least twice a year.

Part of me admires her for asking for what she really wants, but on the other hand I can't imagine putting people on the spot like this. In the same situation I believe I might tactfully let people know that I was socially available, but not try to obligate them to a certain number of invitations.

We are all in our sixties, and frankly I don't give the number of dinner parties I did ten years ago -- I no longer have the energy. I'm fond of this lady, and want to do the right thing. What is your take on this request from an etiquette point of view?

GENTLE READER: Etiquetteers are used to reading the subtext of what people say and do. In this case, the lady is not angling for food; she is pleading not to be isolated in widowhood.

Granted, her request was awkwardly put. But you need not address the speci?cs if you speak to the underlying meaning. If you take her hand and say, "We treasure your friendship, and you will always be welcome in our house," Miss Manners doubts that the lady will reply, "Wait a minute -- what about dinner?"

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been in a relationship with an absolutely fantastic guy for about six months. I regularly spend the weekend with him in his above-garage apartment.

The problem is that his place is not clean. It's not completely disgusting but is in need of some window spray, dusting, mopping and organizing. He lives in a small place, and it takes all of my self-restraint not to just start wiping up the dust and attacking the soap scum on the sink.

I have sneaked some cleaning: I once spilled on the counter and took the opportunity to clean the whole thing. Another time I made dinner and we worked together to clear away the move-in boxes and old papers.

The times when I sneak in the cleaning, he always comments about how nice it is to actually see the counter or be able to eat at his dinner table.

I am wondering if there is a way to suggest we work together to really clean the house once and get it organized so that the up-keep isn't too much for him. He has lived alone before, so maybe he is used to this, but he also previously lived with a girlfriend. Maybe she did all of the cleaning?

I think he would appreciate having a clean and organized home, and I would be more than willing to help him get to that point. How can I offer to help without hurting his feelings or "butting in"?

GENTLE READER: You may take Miss Manners' word for it that the gentleman does not resent your cleaning his apartment. His compliments mean that he would be delighted to have you do his cleaning.

You could probably spend all your weekends merrily scrubbing while he sang your praises from the sidelines.

Were this a more settled arrangement, as it may become, you would presumably divide the chores. So if he resisted cleaning, you could suggest his doing other chores, ones that you dislike.

Now it is premature of you to assign him household tasks in his own household. A weekend guest who cleans is merely doing a charming favor and perhaps demonstrating her domestic skills.

Etiquette aside, your suggestions would be bad for romance. One day he would tire of feeling that he was being nagged and say something you would not like. And one day he would forget to compliment your efforts, and you would say something he would not like.

Miss Manners' advice is to let things go, merely tidying up after yourself, unless and until you are a full-time resident with a future.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it acceptable to have a big party for the end of child support being paid to an ex spouse?

GENTLE READER: Only if you know people who would be charmed by your exultation at severing the responsibility for your child that is no more than is expected of every parent. And who would enjoy your sneer about the person who has been doing the daily job of rearing your child. Miss Manners is not among them.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: We members of the military would be honored if you could address military funeral etiquette for Veterans Day.

For those do not know: It is not necessary for you to stand to receive the U.S. flag. We expect that you are in distress with the loss of your family member.

We are saluting our fellow service member for the last time after we give you the ?ag. We do not expect you to return our salute.

We may be silent when you thank us. We are being silent as our fellow service member is now forever silent. Do not think we are rude for our silence; it is out of respect to our fellow service member.

We are not at the graveside of a fellow service member for you to thank us. It is a duty to serve this country that we have accepted. Just as your loved one did at sometime during their lifetime.

GENTLE READER: Indeed, Miss Manners is grateful to be of help in this small way. She only adds that she is sure that your understanding of the emotional state of the bereaved means that you would not take amiss any such spontaneous, although unnecessary, gestures of gratitude.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper way to ask someone why they have prosthetic limbs?

GENTLE READER: As that person's new doctor, you can ask outright. If Miss Manners is mistaken and you are not that person's doctor, you have no business asking.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My co-workers and I have been having a debate over this incident: Our co-worker Jake brought in a delicious cake made by his wife to celebrate the birthday of another co-worker. It is customary in our of?ce for the person whose birthday was most recent to bring in the cake for the next birthday.

Generally, not all the cake is eaten, and the rest will be eaten as leftovers in the coming days. However, this time, when the next day came, the leftover cake was gone.

Upon asking around, we learned that Jake had taken the remaining cake home with him. He felt as though this was appropriate and allowable since he is the one who brought it; but many co-workers felt as though once you bring cake to a party, the cake is no longer "yours."

Can you please help settle this hotly contested etiquette debate?

Let us also note that the dish needed to be washed, and only three pieces of cake remained at the conclusion of the day when everyone had left.

GENTLE READER: What sort of work are you folks supposed to be doing? Is ?ghting over the crumbs a productive use of your time?

Or Miss Manners' time, for that matter, however little else she still has to do toward saving the world for civilization.

But perhaps she could save Jake.

His wife baked the cake and could have made another to eat at home, so let us presume it was not gluttony that motivated him. But she told him to bring back the dish.

In any case, people who celebrate one another's birthdays ought to be on warm enough terms to cut such friends a bit of slack. If not, you can all still get back to work.

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