DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister and I are now old. (Never mind the "elderly" -- we're a couple of old bats.) We have many friends of our generation to whom we write once or twice a year -- holidays, invitations, etc. -- and from whom we may or may not hear. I still have school friends, we have rather distant relatives with whom we are friends, etc., and we'd like to ?nd out if they are still alive.

Most of them have never used the current mysterious method of communication, and when I have e-mailed those who do, I may not get a reply. Somehow, calling a phone number and asking whoever answers if so-and-so is dead sounds a little insensitive. We probably have addresses for them, and we could write. But what should we say?

GENTLE READER: Not "Are you still alive?" That has a decidedly depressing effect.

Miss Manners agrees that failure to use the computer is not necessarily an indication of failure to breathe. But your ability to use it enables you to begin by searching for news of your friends. Their grandchildren may have optimistically put them on a social network that they have never used. Or, less fortunately, you may ?nd obituaries.

Failing either, you write a Christmas or other informal card saying, "I've been thinking of you, and wondering how you are." At the worst, it will be easier for you to hear bad news written by a survivor than to hear the ?at statement "she died" over the telephone.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the correct way to ask a woman if she is pregnant without offending her if she is not?

GENTLE READER: "Darling, is it possible that you are about to make me a proud father?" Miss Manners warns you that if you are not in a position to put it that way, you must not ask.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I believe your view of manners is based on an appreciation for traditional civility coupled with contemporary realism. To wit, when a bride and groom are homeowners and paying almost entirely for their own wedding, it seems disingenuous (not to mention outdated) for the wedding invitation to be coming from the parents rather than from the folks actually hosting the event.

I should add that I am the mother of the bride, not the bride, and have absolutely no problem not getting top billing. If you agree with this MOB, how would you suggest wording the invitation?

GENTLE READER: Do you mean to say that just because your daughter is 45 years old and the CEO of her own company, you are not sighing and saying, "Imagine! My little girl getting married!"?

In that case, the couple should use the also-traditional heading:

Miss (or Ms.) Ginger Hermione Mulberry and Mr. Godfrey Cody Loughly request the pleasure of your company....

Happy? This is every bit as sanctioned by etiquette as the parental form.

But Miss Manners begs you not to disparage invitations in which a lady of whatever age and means feels she is nevertheless setting out from her parental family to establish a family of her own.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in a small town, and each Thanksgiving, I invite all of the singles and people who are "at loose ends" to dinner.

I know that it is old-fashioned to expect an RSVP, so I try not to be disappointed when I don't get one. I don't want to hurt people's feelings, but I am tired of having unexpected guests arrive and having to redo the table settings and worry about whether I have enough wine, so I won't invite any of the non responders or "surprise attendees" next year.

When I fail to invite these people next year and they ask if I'm having the event, what should I say?

GENTLE READER: Old-fashioned to expect people to reply to invitations?

Miss Manners begs your pardon, she -- not scof?aws, however many they may be -- is in charge of deciding when etiquette rules are no longer useful.

Obviously, this rule is crucial to everyone who has the generosity to entertain. If those who abused your hospitality commit the further rudeness of angling for more invitations and perhaps complaining if these are not forthcoming, you should tell them, with a gracious smile, "I didn't hear from you beforehand, so I assume that it was not of great interest to you."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What are the duties of a divorced father of the groom who does not have a good relationship with the mother of the groom?

GENTLE READER: His chief duty is to pretend, for the duration of the festivities, that he does have a good relationship with the mother of the bridegroom.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a good friend whose husband is unfortunately in the last stages of a terminal disease. When I asked her what I could do to help out (I have already been bringing food, inviting them over, etc.), she replied that when she was widowed, she wanted all of her friends to commit to inviting her to dinner parties at least twice a year.

Part of me admires her for asking for what she really wants, but on the other hand I can't imagine putting people on the spot like this. In the same situation I believe I might tactfully let people know that I was socially available, but not try to obligate them to a certain number of invitations.

We are all in our sixties, and frankly I don't give the number of dinner parties I did ten years ago -- I no longer have the energy. I'm fond of this lady, and want to do the right thing. What is your take on this request from an etiquette point of view?

GENTLE READER: Etiquetteers are used to reading the subtext of what people say and do. In this case, the lady is not angling for food; she is pleading not to be isolated in widowhood.

Granted, her request was awkwardly put. But you need not address the speci?cs if you speak to the underlying meaning. If you take her hand and say, "We treasure your friendship, and you will always be welcome in our house," Miss Manners doubts that the lady will reply, "Wait a minute -- what about dinner?"

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been in a relationship with an absolutely fantastic guy for about six months. I regularly spend the weekend with him in his above-garage apartment.

The problem is that his place is not clean. It's not completely disgusting but is in need of some window spray, dusting, mopping and organizing. He lives in a small place, and it takes all of my self-restraint not to just start wiping up the dust and attacking the soap scum on the sink.

I have sneaked some cleaning: I once spilled on the counter and took the opportunity to clean the whole thing. Another time I made dinner and we worked together to clear away the move-in boxes and old papers.

The times when I sneak in the cleaning, he always comments about how nice it is to actually see the counter or be able to eat at his dinner table.

I am wondering if there is a way to suggest we work together to really clean the house once and get it organized so that the up-keep isn't too much for him. He has lived alone before, so maybe he is used to this, but he also previously lived with a girlfriend. Maybe she did all of the cleaning?

I think he would appreciate having a clean and organized home, and I would be more than willing to help him get to that point. How can I offer to help without hurting his feelings or "butting in"?

GENTLE READER: You may take Miss Manners' word for it that the gentleman does not resent your cleaning his apartment. His compliments mean that he would be delighted to have you do his cleaning.

You could probably spend all your weekends merrily scrubbing while he sang your praises from the sidelines.

Were this a more settled arrangement, as it may become, you would presumably divide the chores. So if he resisted cleaning, you could suggest his doing other chores, ones that you dislike.

Now it is premature of you to assign him household tasks in his own household. A weekend guest who cleans is merely doing a charming favor and perhaps demonstrating her domestic skills.

Etiquette aside, your suggestions would be bad for romance. One day he would tire of feeling that he was being nagged and say something you would not like. And one day he would forget to compliment your efforts, and you would say something he would not like.

Miss Manners' advice is to let things go, merely tidying up after yourself, unless and until you are a full-time resident with a future.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it acceptable to have a big party for the end of child support being paid to an ex spouse?

GENTLE READER: Only if you know people who would be charmed by your exultation at severing the responsibility for your child that is no more than is expected of every parent. And who would enjoy your sneer about the person who has been doing the daily job of rearing your child. Miss Manners is not among them.

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