DEAR MISS MANNERS: Besides using common sense, how often should adult children (in this case a son) call their mother? The son is 43 and lives in another state and the mother is 67 and lives alone.

GENTLE READER: It depends -- are you the mother or the son?

Not that Miss Manners would ever have considered telling the mother that the rule was every day and the son that it was once a month. Such a trick never crossed her mind, even if that raises the question of how it got onto this page.

However, she would like to make the point that etiquette cannot declare a formula because individual circumstances differ so widely. Is the mother in any way helpless, so that she needs to be checked up on? Is one of them in the habit of nagging and the other hoping to avoid repetitive and futile advice? How convenient is it for either to talk at the time that is convenient for the other?

You know the circumstances; Miss Manners does not. She is afraid you must do your own negotiating.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a single male of 24 and a graduate student. Do my family members/friends expect me (a fairly busy guy) to send out Christmas cards during the holiday season, or do I get off the hook for being busy in grad school?

I would like to keep in better contact with family members who live across the country, but I just can't ?nd the time to make a Christmas card for everyone. No doubt I would forget about someone, and it would become an issue. What is your opinion on this?

GENTLE READER: That because you are undoubtedly leading a fuller life than anyone else, they can hardly expect to hear from you.

It is not that Miss Manners believes you must send Christmas cards. There are other ways of keeping in touch. If, during the year, you dashed off an occasional note to this one or that one, it would do just as well. With no mass mailing on deadline, you could then write people when you happen to remember them.

Just please, don't make any cards or notes into declarations of how busy you are. The implication that others are just sitting around with nothing much to do does not go over well with anyone.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the difference between the expressions "Excuse you" and "Excuse me"?

I was taught to use "excuse me" not "excuse you." And I ?nd it offensive when some one says "excuse you" to me, especially when I have done nothing to them. How should I respond in a nice way when someone says that to me?

GENTLE READER: "Excuse you" is inexcusable. Only the parents of very young children are permitted to prod the expression of manners by saying, "Now, what do we say, dear?" or "Didn't you want to excuse yourself?"

Therefore Miss Manners considers it polite to overlook the rudeness of "Excuse you," as, indeed, should have been done when "Excuse me" was not forthcoming. You can best do this by saying cheerfully, "Oh, that's quite all right," as if you thought the person was excusing himself.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: At this time of year, I try to be respectful of the diversity of the people I may meet by wishing them "happy holidays." I like to think this neither assumes what they may celebrate nor imposes upon them what I may celebrate, but still manages to convey my good wishes toward them.

However, I have recently begun to think this may not be entirely appropriate. After all, some people may not celebrate anything at all this time of year, and I would not want to inadvertently offend them. I also think it might be even more respectful to show some interest in offering more than just a generic farewell.

Do you think it would be appropriate to ?rst ask, "Do you celebrate a particular holiday this time of year?" I could then tailor my farewell to their response, from "Merry Christmas," to "Happy Hannukah," to simply, "Have a lovely day." I want to ?nd a balance between being festive and friendly without appearing unduly personal or rude.

GENTLE READER: Please do not go around interrogating random people about their religious af?liations and practices. It is disrespectful of their privacy. Besides, the number you might offend would be considerably larger than the number offended by being wished a generalized or wrong holiday greeting.

Miss Manners is well aware that there are some who do take offense at any such wishes, speci?c or not, including "Have a lovely day." If you really want to protect yourself, you would be better off asking, "Are you the sort of person who makes an issue out of a simple expression of good will?"

But as that, too, would be an invasion of privacy, Miss Manners is afraid you will have to take your chances or wish everyone a happy winter.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My ?ance and I are planning a "surprise" ceremony during our Christmas party. We're trying to word the invitations for minimal offense to guests who choose not to attend.

What is the best way to make clear, especially after they ?nd out about the ceremony that while we would have LOVED for them to attend our party, it was not mandatory?

My main concern is the few relatives on both sides of the family who will ?nd some way to construe the surprise (only our of?ciant and the two of us know this is going to occur!) as a slap in the face and intentional on our parts to "embarrass" or offend them somehow.

GENTLE READER: Or just to mislead them into thinking it was not an auspicious family occasion so they might miss it?

Perhaps you will be kind enough to explain to Miss Manners what the point is of a surprise wedding. Is the gasp of those present worth the annoyance of those who might have liked to be?

She supposes you could put "to celebrate Christmas and other rites" on the invitation so that your would-be guests would have warning to ask you what on earth you mean before deciding whether the occasion is crucial enough to trump other possible plans.

It would spoil the surprise, of course. But unless you have been married so many times that your relatives are getting bored attending, that would be a good idea.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister is 12 years older, and we get along well for the most part but have almost opposite personalities. While staying with her for Thanksgiving, she kept overhearing my husband and me talking and would add her two cents, such as "He can do whatever he wants ... it's my house," and smile at my husband.

We were usually discussing just simple things like when we would have dessert because we usually share (she said he can eat dessert any time he wants to!) one morning when we were out to breakfast. My husband offered me a bite of his pancakes, so I asked for a piece from the edge and she said, "You even tell him how to cut his food?"

She said out loud, in front of my husband and her husband and a few of my cousins, that she thinks I hold my husband under my thumb. I didn't address it at the table but later asked her about it via text, as I ?nd it hard to talk with her in person when the topic is heated.

She said that her husband controls her and she knows what it is like to live like that.

Our marriages are very different. My husband is very giving and generous with his time and financially and is very loving. My husband does not feel controlled and tries to reassure me that he is very happy with me and loves our marriage.

That makes me feel a little better, but I think the relationship between my sister and me is forever tainted. What should I do? Even writing this now makes me feel like I can't trust her and that she took a cheap shot at me.

GENTLE READER: You might remind yourself that your sister told you that this is really about her marriage, not yours. That does not make it any less rude or annoying, Miss Manners acknowledges, but might make it seem less pointed.

Stopping it is a job for your giving, generous, happy, reassuring husband. You are only being made to look domineering; he is being made to look foolish.

The next time your sister does what she calls defending him, he should say, in an amused tone, "Celia, I really wish you would stop urging Corrine not to pay me these little attentions -- I enjoy them so much."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When is it proper for a man to wear gloves?

GENTLE READER: When he is gardening, dancing at a white tie ball, cleaning ?sh, performing surgery, building a snowman, riding a horse -- Miss Manners may have missed a few, but you see the idea.

Under no circumstances should he wear gloves when eating, drinking or shaking hands with a lady. However, the lady may keep her gloves on when shaking hands with a gentleman. What this says about hygiene or the relations between the genders, Miss Manners does not care to guess.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am 19 and want to be affectionate when I date, but am not ready quite yet for sex. At what point in a new relationship is it appropriate to hug, kiss or cuddle at the movies?

GENTLE READER: When you know for a fact that the people behind you are bored with the film and would rather watch something live.

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