DEAR MISS MANNERS: Many of my friends, acquaintances and even family members use Facebook as the primary and only means to announce their major life events. This includes engagements, marriages, pregnancy, childbirth and even deaths of family members.

These status updates are exclaimed into the Internet ether, and it seems as if the popular response is to give a thumbs up, a "congrats" or "condolences" on the announcer's virtual wall for public consumption.

If the news is particularly important to me, I will respond with a handwritten note. However, I do it seldom, because I can't help but feel that the announcer takes the news lightly and thinks me so unimportant that they don't actually pick up the phone or write a personal email at the very least. Instead, they throw it out to the public and expect people to care and to respond to this outburst.

I even found that my close relative's girlfriend was pregnant only because she posted a sonogram of her uterus on her Facebook page.

How would Miss Manners begin to address this fantastic erosion of etiquette? Facebook has become the central means of communications amongst people that I know, and it seems archaic to opt out. I can't help getting offended and sad by its crudeness, though.

GENTLE READER: Don't cut off Facebook to spite your...

to spite your...

to spite your...

Please! Would someone rescue Miss Manners and finish this unfortunate sentence?

The point she wants to make is that there are public announcements and private ones, and Internet social sites are acceptable places to make public announcements (among which Miss Manners does not include "Look at my uterus!"). The problem here is not that these are made there, rather than in newspapers, but that the first, more direct announcements to relatives and close friends are neglected.

The greater losers are the givers of such news, not the recipients. True, it is chilling to find that no special notice has been given of an important event in the life of someone one cares about. But surely it must be more chilling to receive only those minimal comments instead of the squeals at happy news and sighs of commiseration at sad news that personal notification would elicit.

Miss Manners hopes that you nevertheless continue to respond personally to announcements from your intimates, perhaps gently making the point by beginning, "I read that you..." are engaged, have a new son, or whatever.

It is not only the proper and kind thing to do, but it may serve to remind the recipient of how nice it is to hear directly.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I just received a large inheritance from a great aunt who passed away a year ago. It has literally changed my life and I am so very grateful, humbled and in complete shock. Her husband is still alive, and I want to send some sort of thanks, but I am not sure how to say it and not sure if I need to. Can you point a polite girl in the right direction?

GENTLE READER: Write him that "It has literally changed my life and you am so very grateful, humbled and in complete shock." Miss Manners gathers that you are a polite person, and that she only need correct the address to which you sent these sentiments.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister and I both have elderly pets. When one of my pets passed away, I received a number of very kind expressions of sympathy from every member of my family, including my brother.

After my sister's oldest pet was put to sleep, I very naturally wanted to comfort her as best I could from several states away, and sent her a sympathy card as well as a handwritten note. Our brother, however, has not been in contact with our sister in the month following the loss of her favorite pet.

Our sister is brokenhearted and quite upset that our brother can't seem to take five minutes out of his day to call our sister to make an expression of sympathy.

Miss Manners, please help me understand what etiquette surrounds the passing of a pet.

GENTLE READER: Pet etiquette is not the issue here; family etiquette is.

Miss Manners is not going to tell you that handwritten condolence letters must be sent whenever someone's pet dies. There are people who feel that an animal is equivalent to a person, and others, including many fond pet-owners, who do not.

The problem here is that your sister is in the former category, and your brother is not, and may even be unaware that your sister is. You, however, are, and furthermore, he is your brother too.

So why are you letting this fester? Why aren't you saying to your brother, "Becky is taking the loss of Thackery very hard, and I know she'd love to have an expression of sympathy from you"? Miss Manners suspects that another relative's prompting him may have produced the expression of sympathy that you received under similar circumstances.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have a variety of chairs at our dining room table. Some are antiques and a little fragile, but fine for the normal-sized person, while other chairs are new.

We have a group of people over for dinner a few times a year, and the problem is, one of the fellows is much larger than average. We never have had assigned seating, but how do I guide him to one of the new chairs without making him feel badly about his size?

GENTLE READER: With assigned seating. Why hosts balk at this most basic of duties, Miss Manners cannot imagine.

Do they suppose that guests enjoy standing around awkwardly and then plopping down next to someone with whom they have nothing in common -- or, more likely, someone with whom they have everything in common (but now is not the time to discuss who is going to the PTA meeting next week or whether the dishwasher needs to be replaced)?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a way to ask for donations for a charity in a invitation without guests thinking that the donation is the gift for my daughter's 13 birthday party?

GENTLE READER: A polite way of saying that two collections will be made: one for a non-profit organization and one to profit herself? In a word, no.

Miss Manners suggests that you teach your daughter to be charitable herself, whether through volunteer work or whatever donations she can make, rather than ask other people to do so in her honor.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband bought my daughter a pair of diamond stud earrings that she had told him she didn't like/want. She appreciates the thought and gesture but doesn't care to wear them.

Would it be wrong to politely ask him to go with her to trade them for something that she would wear more?

GENTLE READER: Why miss another chance to show him that his outpouring of sentiment and generosity was a failure?

All presents are laden with symbolism, Miss Manners warns you, but jewelry is explosive with it, and never more so than when given by a gentleman to a lady or relative to one of the next generation.

The young lady who rejects Grandmother's ring, telling her that it is too old-fashioned, should probably not have high expectations about the will. Ladies should never confuse gentlemen by accepting jewelry if not prepared to accept the gentleman who offers it -- nor by criticizing a proffered ring when intending to take the gentleman himself.

This is not to say that those on the receiving end must wear jewelry they dislike, except on occasions when doing so would feel worth it to please the person who chose it. If a grateful fuss is made at first, it may not be crucial, as time goes by, if the jewelry is worn less. Or one may explain having stones re-set to strengthen the prongs or modernize the setting.

Miss Manners' choice for your daughter would be for her to throw her arms around her father, claim that she had been too overwhelmed to know how to react (which is certainly true), give him a huge kiss and put on the earrings.

She can then put them aside "for special occasions." They will not lose their value, and later, if she does not come to value the sentiment enough to keep them, perhaps for the daughter she may some day have, she can privately trade them without embarrassing her father.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm 59 years old. I've begun exercising and dieting, leading to a large weight loss. I've also had facial rejuvenation surgery since my weight loss. I've not kept the surgery a secret, nor have I broadcast it about.

How do I respond to those who talk incessantly about how good/different I look. A simple "thank you" does not even begin to suffice. I have acquaintances who after three or four meetings still want to discuss this topic only.

How do I turn this off? I've tried gently changing the subject.

GENTLE READER: Tell them how much you believe in good nutrition and lots of exercise, and then look at them searchingly and add, "Don't you?"

Miss Manners would have suggested this even if you hadn't gone over your regimen. It is amazing how quickly some people can turn a compliment into a gossip-probe or a plea for "the secret" of looking good by some trick that involves no effort. And how quickly they are willing to drop the subject when their own habits may come into question.

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