DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have decided to end a friendship. Years of exhausting get-togethers, bizarre behavior, and, recently, drug use have finally added up to my feeling that this was not a relationship I wished to continue.

Per your past advice to other readers, I have not "dumped" this friend. I have simply become increasingly unable to socialize. I have not given in to the "we should get together soon" or "maybe next time" sentiments. I have tried instead to keep it simple and clear, while referencing vague business as opposed to specific, manufactured conflicts.

He just will not take the hint. He calls regularly, wanting to get together (but usually wanting me to plan the event, as is typical of him). When I try to let my voicemail do the talking, he will call all my numbers repeatedly. Last weekend he rotated through three phones, making five calls in 25 minutes. He knows my work schedule and that of my significant other, and he will use that information to call us when he feels that we are most likely to answer the phone -- on the way home, on a work holiday, etc. It makes me feel almost stalked!

I recently received an almost demanding e-mail from him, wanting to know when I would be able to attend a show in which he is involved. There are several performances over the next couple of weeks. For the reasons mentioned above (and frankly, for aesthetic ones), I do not wish to attend. But I am at a loss as to how to get out of this, or any future "invitations," when nothing I've done so far has worked!

GENTLE READER: Indeed, Miss Manners has championed the subtle method of backing off from undesirable friendships, rather than the here's-what's-wrong-with-you method so favored by bored lovers.

Thank you for trying the former method, but it doesn't work on stalkers. People who do not take into account any feedback from others do have to be informed more clearly. Yours may not yet be at the restraining-order stage, and you should avoid any cruel criticism. Nevertheless, you must say firmly, "Please stop calling; we do not expect to be making engagements with you" and, when challenged to explain, reply, "It is not something we will discuss."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On a formal wedding invitation, is it more appropriate to write out the date "two thousand and eleven" or "two thousand eleven"?

GENTLE READER: Neither, you will be surprised to hear.

Miss Manners realizes that there is bad advice to the contrary being given by stationers -- she will assume innocently rather than in hopes of charging for another line of engraving -- but the year does not properly appear on formal invitations. The day of the week, the month and the date of the month, yes, but not the year. This is because invitations are not properly issued a year in advance, so that even in one issued in December for February, for example, it is obvious which year is intended.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a graduating high school senior who finds the process of sending out graduation announcements tacky.

Close family and friends should be the only people to receive such announcements and invitations, since they may actually be interested in attending, but in recent years, the custom has expanded to include neighbors, acquaintances and distant family members.

Sending announcements to so many people seems like a new way for greedy people to solicit money. Many of my peers have bragged about the money they plan to receive and have chosen to send out as many announcements as they can for that reason alone.

Am I right in finding this custom appalling? Is there any way I can gently inform my peers that they are being rude to feel so entitled?

GENTLE READER: The survival of the graduation announcement, at a time when just about every other announcement is made on social Internet sites, had already led Miss Manners to the conclusion that your classmates confirm.

She is pleased that you have the sense to realize that such announcements are at best unnecessary, and the manners to refrain from sending them. However, she does not advise your going around chastising the rest of the class. At least not until you are safely at a far-away college that none of them is planning to attend.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Could you please explain the intended purpose of graduation announcements?

I am confused at receiving one from the daughter of a friend. We live in the same town and I see my friend rather frequently. I am certain that my friend and her daughter both know that I already know that she is graduating. Why should I receive an announcement for something that I knew already was going to occur? Even if I wanted to attend the ceremony, I wouldn't be able to, because one must have an invitation to attend and one was not enclosed. I happen to know that tickets to the graduation are nearly impossible to secure. I can't help but feel that it was a plea for a gift.

GENTLE READER: See above.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would like to know under what circumstances would it be acceptable to ask someone how much money they make or to tell someone how much money you make. This is an argument my wife and I have had recently.

GENTLE READER: So -- how much do you and she each make?

What -- you don't think it quite right for Miss Manners to ask? Even if she declares that she is curious?

Actually, she isn't. This is because she is not considering hiring either of you -- and even then you might not want to answer if you are hoping to negotiate for more.

Surely you are aware that there are two meanings when talking about a person's "worth" -- financial and as a human being -- and that shallow people conflate them. In a social situation, such a question is therefore rude because it is insulting to question someone's worth, and telling is rude because it constitutes bragging.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter is getting married next year and is having a dilemma as to who should walk her down the aisle. Her father and I were divorced when she was 2. He has been involved in her life but not as much as she would have liked. Her stepfather has been around since she was 5.

She cannot figure out which one to choose without hurting the other's feelings. She thinks both escorting her would be too much.

Help! Do you have several solutions or suggestions?

GENTLE READER: One: You.

Miss Manners would not have had trouble with the two-father solution, as avoiding hurt feelings is a worthy goal when planning a wedding. But does it not seem odd to you that a male must give her away, and not the parent who has had her for her entire life?

Indeed, traditionally, giving away a bride was not an exclusively male role. Widows, for example, gave their daughters away. In this case, both fathers will be able to beam equally at the sight of you giving away the daughter you consistently reared.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: This weekend, when my family hosted a dinner party for friends and family, I announced that dinner would be served in five minutes to give guests an opportunity to wash up.

As food was being served, I stood at the side bar to offer beverages (both white and red wine, iced tea, raspberry lemonade and iced water). It was at this time that a guest requested that I prepare hot tea so that she could have it with her meal.

My children stated later that shock and displeasure were apparent on my face at having to leave the table to boil water and prepare a hot beverage, when one was not offered. I also thought that if this guest knew she wanted a hot beverage with her meal, she could have asked me to make one at my announcement of five minutes.

We have had this woman over for dinner frequently, and she has never requested hot tea with her meal before, or I would have had hot water prepared. Typically, I serve hot tea and coffee after the meal with dessert (which she knows). I was not happy to leave my other guests at the table and have my meal get cold. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: Frankly, the first thought Miss Manners had was why one of those children who noticed your distress didn't jump up and say, "I'll put the water on, Mother, you sit down."

The second was why you didn't ask one of them to do so -- or even ask the guest, as she seems to be an intimate of the house.

But let us assume that you felt that you must oblige your guest yourself. It is indeed your duty to tend to your guests, even unreasonable ones if you can reasonably do so.

However, you had other guests to consider. To keep them waiting while their food cools -- as Miss Manners trusts that polite guests never begin eating until the hostess does -- would be rude. If you felt that you could not delegate the job of putting water on to boil, you could have said sweetly, "As soon as I get a chance" as you sat down to the meal.

: