DEAR MISS MANNERS: I know this is trivial but curiosity got the better of me. I wore a pair of traditional lady's profile cameo earrings to lunch with six other women, all of whom admired the earrings.

However, a discussion ensued as to how they should be worn. Three of the women said that the profile should be facing my head. Two of them said that the profile should be facing outward, away from my head. The sixth woman didn't think it really mattered, and I have absolutely no real opinion on the subject except to say that it's been my habit to wear them with the profile facing away from my head.

So, trivial and trite as I feel the question may be, apparently there are people (at least five that I know of) to whom it does matter. So, Miss Manners: Should the profile be facing the wearer's head, facing away, or doesn't it matter?

GENTLE READER: Trivial, you say? Compared to world hunger, you mean?

In that case, we would never ponder anything else.

The question not only interests but worries Miss Manners. Please position the earrings so that the cameo ladies look forward, in the same direction as your face. Otherwise, they would be turning away from everyone you encounter and even appear to be attempting to escape you. Cameo ladies would never want to be guilty of such rudeness.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In this electronic age, most of us are using cell phones often, either for calls, texting, or both. I have had friends complain to me about taking so long to return messages when they have tried to contact me.

Although I do try to be responsive in a timely manner, I sometimes am in places where it would be rude to take the call. And if I am visiting with people at the time, I am not sure it would be polite to be sitting there texting away. But I would be curious to get your opinion on how soon one should return messages.

GENTLE READER: What is the nature of your relationship to these people, that they feel that they have the authority to keep you on such a short tether?

Miss Manners would have thought that even a boss or a lover who refused to admit your privilege of having a life would quickly inspire rebellion.

She is aware, however, that people with no such claims now believe that they should be able to command your attention at any time merely because it is technologically possible.

Another curious result is that many people no longer know how to prioritize electronic approaches, the way they once sorted their mail: invitations answered quickly, love letters sooner or later depending on one's emotions about the writer, chattiness when one has the time to chat, and so on. Instead, everything is classified as a potential emergency. (Emergencies were not formerly sent by letter, and Miss Manners doubts that many of them arrive by other means.)

Your choice is between being polite and thereby disappointing rude people, or satisfying them by being rude to others.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have several friends who are in open or polyamorous relationships. Because I'm happy for their happiness together, I would like to make sure that I'm not excluding or slighting any of the partners.

If I am sending them an invitation to a gathering, how on earth do I address it? "Mr. and Mrs. Jane Doe and Ms. Lily Smith"? "The Doe and Smith Family"? "John and Jane Doe and Lily Smith"?

I don't want to draw overmuch attention to the fact that one couple is legally married and the other is "just" secondary. (This is insulting in polyamorous circles.) Also, am I correct in assuming that if the third partner has taken the legally married couple's name as part of a long-term arrangement, the correct address is "John, Jane, and Lily Doe" or "The Doe Family"? It seems silly to use "Mr. and Mrs. and Mrs. Doe," and "Mr. and Mrs. and Ms. Doe" opens all sorts of other concerns.

Also, how do I introduce a polyamorous group socially? Do legally married partners have status over second partners, meriting first introduction, or do I simply say, "Ms. Jones, these are my friends, the Does" and leave Ms. Jones to establish how they interrelate?

I have asked friends in the poly community how they handle this, and they say, "Just call them up and invite them!" which is not, perhaps, the most helpful of answers, though it is well-meaning.

GENTLE READER: Your busy friends have a point: Etiquette does not attempt to pinpoint what goes on in a household when company is not expected.

Miss Manners hopes this does not disappoint you.

It does provide you with a simple solution, however. Adults in the same household, whatever their relationship, are addressed by their names. Thus the envelopes could be addressed (on separate lines) to "Ms. Lily Smith/Mr. and Mrs. John Doe" or Ms. Lily Smith/Ms. Jane Doe/Mr. John Doe."

People do not generally send out invitations with the purpose of insulting their prospective guests, a fact of which those who are touchy about Ms. or Mrs. should take notice.

But judging from your friends' suggestion, they do not seem to be as fragile as you think.

And yes, you can let Ms. Jones discover the relationship for herself. Isn't that what parties are for?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would like to know if there is a protocol in viewing a new baby after you have been asked to the mother's shower.

I have been invited to several baby showers by a relative for her children. When the baby is born, I usually wait a month or two before mentioning that I would love to see the baby. I would not think of dropping in on the new parents unannounced and overstaying, but I would like to bring a gift of food or something for the baby and stay for a short visit. I would stay approximately one hour.

GENTLE READER: There is such a protocol, and you have delineated it exactly: Wait until the new household adjusts, call and request paying a visit, bring a little something for the baby and don't stay long. Miss Manners would only add that you not attempt to hold the baby without permission, and that you must make sure to confirm the parents' belief that theirs is the loveliest baby ever born.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have decided to end a friendship. Years of exhausting get-togethers, bizarre behavior, and, recently, drug use have finally added up to my feeling that this was not a relationship I wished to continue.

Per your past advice to other readers, I have not "dumped" this friend. I have simply become increasingly unable to socialize. I have not given in to the "we should get together soon" or "maybe next time" sentiments. I have tried instead to keep it simple and clear, while referencing vague business as opposed to specific, manufactured conflicts.

He just will not take the hint. He calls regularly, wanting to get together (but usually wanting me to plan the event, as is typical of him). When I try to let my voicemail do the talking, he will call all my numbers repeatedly. Last weekend he rotated through three phones, making five calls in 25 minutes. He knows my work schedule and that of my significant other, and he will use that information to call us when he feels that we are most likely to answer the phone -- on the way home, on a work holiday, etc. It makes me feel almost stalked!

I recently received an almost demanding e-mail from him, wanting to know when I would be able to attend a show in which he is involved. There are several performances over the next couple of weeks. For the reasons mentioned above (and frankly, for aesthetic ones), I do not wish to attend. But I am at a loss as to how to get out of this, or any future "invitations," when nothing I've done so far has worked!

GENTLE READER: Indeed, Miss Manners has championed the subtle method of backing off from undesirable friendships, rather than the here's-what's-wrong-with-you method so favored by bored lovers.

Thank you for trying the former method, but it doesn't work on stalkers. People who do not take into account any feedback from others do have to be informed more clearly. Yours may not yet be at the restraining-order stage, and you should avoid any cruel criticism. Nevertheless, you must say firmly, "Please stop calling; we do not expect to be making engagements with you" and, when challenged to explain, reply, "It is not something we will discuss."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On a formal wedding invitation, is it more appropriate to write out the date "two thousand and eleven" or "two thousand eleven"?

GENTLE READER: Neither, you will be surprised to hear.

Miss Manners realizes that there is bad advice to the contrary being given by stationers -- she will assume innocently rather than in hopes of charging for another line of engraving -- but the year does not properly appear on formal invitations. The day of the week, the month and the date of the month, yes, but not the year. This is because invitations are not properly issued a year in advance, so that even in one issued in December for February, for example, it is obvious which year is intended.

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