DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live on a disability pension for a condition that is not readily apparent to the naked eye. I also occasionally sell works of art at a local gallery.

Since I have found that most people are reluctant to socialize with a disabled person and it seems to put a damper on things, I will usually, when I am asked what I "do," state that I am an artist. Unfortunately, it seems that very few people are willing to leave it at this and persist with further comments like "But you certainly can't pay the rent with THAT! What is it you really DO?"

Am I really obligated to explain something so personal? What is a polite way to answer this kind of thing?

GENTLE READER: Good luck in trying to outrun people who make silly, knee-jerk remarks. No matter how many subjects you put off limits, Miss Manners assures you that they will find a way.

Here is what she would reply: "I wish I'd talked to you before I became an artist. I only went in for it for the money, you know. I thought it would be an easy living. Are you telling me that it's not?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: So I know that, traditionally, the bride should be the only one at a wedding who is dressed in white.

But what if there is no bride? Would it be acceptable for a female guest to wear white to a wedding if the marriage is between two men? (Specifically, a white sundress that would never be mistaken for a wedding dress, if that makes any difference.)

GENTLE READER: All the more reason for not doing so. You don't want the guests' thinking, "Oops, there is a bride, after all."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm an African-American in my middle 60s. What is wrong with telling my associates of other races that I do not wish to be called a girl on any occasion?

I start explaining to them why that word girl is so offensive to me, as it also is to many other black ladies. Before I get the whole explanation out, they will stop me in mid-sentence to reply, "I hear other black people (women) addressing one another with 'Hey girl'."

I will tell the associate that some women have reasons why they allow that to happen. As for me, it is an insult from days of the past. During the time my mother was alive, she would be called a girl sometime by young people that greeted her at a store. This has happened to black women just about every day.

So how old should an African American woman be and how can I tell others without making them angry ? If a person does not know my name, just address me as Mrs. or Ms.

GENTLE READER: The only thing wrong with your telling your associates not to address you as "girl" is your weak defense when they argue.

The chief point is that you are offended, whether or not they have the courtesy to learn why. If that is not enough, Miss Manners recommends your asking whether they intend to offend you, and when they say not, that the solution is merely to stop addressing you that way.

Furthermore, the use of a term among intimates, or within the same group, does not constitute permission for outsiders to do it. If you family still calls you Babykins, would that allow your colleagues to do so?

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: In the past couple of weeks, my husband and I have been invited to four college-graduation parties for the children of friends where gifts were expected. I don't recall ever being invited to such events before.

We have college-age children, and when our oldest graduated, we had a family celebration, and she received cards from aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc.

We are also being invited to couples showers and weddings for our friends' children who are getting married. Maybe it's the time of year, but my wallet and I are getting worn out. Is this common practice?

GENTLE READER: It has become so, more's the pity.

It has not escaped Miss Manners' attention that the most common form of entertaining nowadays involves a windfall for the hosts or their families. How many people now plan parties -- as nearly everyone used to -- on no particular occasion, but just for the fun of gathering their friends?

Yet she has another -- perhaps more forgivable but nevertheless unjustifiable -- interpretation. Family pride is an excellent resource, providing a loyal support system and cheering squad for its members. But it must be kept under control lest it lead to callous behavior toward others. Parents should indeed be proud, but they should not behave like high schoolers who, if they get 100 on an exam, immediately run around asking everyone in the class their scores.

But (you may ask) how can it be callous to invite people to parties? Don't most people like to go to parties?

Yes, which is why many come. Gift-giving parties to honor the hosts or their immediate families are pretty much all the parties to which they are invited.

But why are they invited?

The right answer would be that they would be expected to enjoy themselves because the occasion would be meaningful to them. One reason that guests so often bring pressure to bring their own guests, Miss Manners suspects, is because they are not all that interested in the occasion, but merely want to use it as a venue for dates.

High among occasions that are not of great interest to a wide circle are those honoring the hosts' children. Yet it has become commonplace to invite such people to birthday parties for infants and graduation parties for children of all ages.

Miss Manners would have thought that the proper guests for the former are the baby's relatives and very close family friends, and for the latter, the graduates' classmates, so that they can celebrate together.

In any case, you need not feel pressured to attend such parties, nor to give presents. You need only send your warm congratulations.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When eating, is it better manners to stab your food or scoop it up with your fork?

GENTLE READER: If your food is not still alive, there is no excuse for stabbing it. And if it is still alive, Miss Manners hopes you will use a scoop, rather than a fork, to return it to its habitat.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I began reading obituaries when I was a child, partly out of general curiosity and partly because I love good stories, and an obituary is often the only time in someone's life when his or her story is publicly posted.

In recent years, I have noticed a rather disquieting trend in which family members request that memorial contributions be directed to them (sometimes specifically to college accounts of offspring) rather than to public charities, perhaps related to the cause of the beloved's demise or to charities especially favored by the deceased.

When my mother died of lung cancer nearly three decades ago, we didn't have much, but it never occurred to any of us to recommend that any memorial contributions be sent to us. Some of our friends responded by contributing (with our heartfelt approval and thanks) to the American Cancer Society.

I'm not talking about struggling young families who cannot afford a proper funeral for tragically lost children without the community's help, either. Is this a sign that life insurance coverage isn't what it used to be, or is society simply getting more selfish?

GENTLE READER: Another Gentle Reader has justly complained that a huge number of the questions Miss Manners answers involve people trying to extract money from their friends or people who feel pressured by those who are doing so -- and that the answer is always the same: Stop it.

Yes, because Miss Manners considers unbridled greed to be the chief modern etiquette problem. Here is yet another example of using all occasions -- every birthday, graduation, new domicile, engagement, wedding, anniversary, birth, and now death -- as an opportunity to fundraise from relatives friends, acquaintances, and colleagues.

She will stop hammering away at this when luxury-oriented begging, if not extortion, is no longer a common social practice.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A relative of mine sent me a link to a web page containing what looks like an invitation to the wedding of another relative. I am nonplussed, because this web page says things like, "thank you for participating in our wedding," and "all are invited to our rehearsal dinner at such-and-such on the evening before."

The bride, a CLOSER relative than the one who sent me this link, has NOT told me or my wife that we are requested or invited, yet this is the second time a relative has told us about this wedding.

They DO know that we are financially challenged and it would be a considerable expense for us to travel to the wedding thousands of miles away, yet we STILL have received no word from the bride herself for whom I am a very close relative. How on earth should I/we respond to such an indirect invitation?

GENTLE READER: Why, you must get out your best writing paper and respond immediately in the third person, thanking them for the kind invitation.

Only you didn't get one. So Miss Manners didn't mean it. She just enjoyed thinking of the flummoxed look the bride would have when she received such a thing.

You needn't respond at all, as you have not been invited. But in the interest of family harmony, you might write to say that you saw her web page, at the suggestion of other relatives, and wish her well. This may prompt a question about whether you will be attending, which would indicate that she included you in the "all" who were invited.

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