DEAR MISS MANNERS: Hi. Can you help me write a thank-you note to my family members for my grad party gifts?

GENTLE READER: Hi. No.

Miss Manners was about to snap back like that because, in her experience, when a student asks for help with a simple task that is generally considered to be onerous, he means, "Do this for me."

But that would be unprofessional of her, and unfair to you. Surely what you mean is that you are eager to know what makes a letter of thanks gratifying to the recipient.

It is really not that hard. All you have to do is to give the impression that it was not written under duress, as it doubtless was. Rather, you should seem so overcome by the thoughtfulness involved that you can hardly wait to set it down on paper.

That means that you are actually using paper, and that the words "thank you" are not printed on it, but written by your own hand.

However, "thank you" should not be the opening words, because that would suggest you were writing by rote. Start with a statement of emotion -- that you were delighted that they came to your party, or thrilled when you opened their present. Then come the thanks, with a specific mention of the present (except that money is referred to as "your generous gift"), and then a friendly line about the donors (such as that you remember something they told you, or that you hope to see them soon). A line about your own plans -- summer, college or work -- is optional.

It sounds complicated, but Miss Manners assures you that it amounts to only three or four lines, and you will soon get the hang of dashing off these letters. Not only will that assure you of a reputation for graciousness, but it is likely to inspire even more generosity.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was taught that there is a proper way to ask for someone on the phone. Specifically, once the line is answered, callers should announce themselves and then ask for the person they wish to speak to. For example, "Hello, this is Mr. Smith. May I please speak to Mr. Jones?"

This seems to be unheard of anymore and, as someone who has to answer the phone for a living, I am constantly having to ask, "May I say who is calling?" The next time that person phones, same thing.

Why don't they get it? I always announce my name when phoning someone. Am I the only one?

GENTLE READER: If not, you will soon be. Pretty nearly everyone now is used to individual cellular telephones that connect directly to their owners and that state the name of the person who is calling. And the land-lines that remain are as likely to reach recordings as people.

At the risk of sounding lazy, Miss Manners -- who believes your complaint to be justified -- despairs of teaching such manners before they are no longer necessary.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have found a disturbing trend in the media and in real-life encounters -- that people who do not live independently from their parents are to be highly scorned.

I am 30 years old and have yet to move out of my parents' home. I was forced to make a career change due to personal reasons, and I will be graduating from a career college in only a few months, with high hopes of getting hired in my field. I feel as though people are heaping scorn upon my parents, as well, for not kicking me out as soon as I was of age.

Many articles and people say that living outside of their parents' homes is extremely difficult for young people, yet I still find myself on the receiving end of "You're HOW old and still living with your parents?!"

I have bitten my tongue against the urge to reply, "How old were you when your parents decided that you were an obligation that they could finally dispose of?"

Obviously this would not be a good response, but I'm at a loss as to how to handle the scathing comments gracefully. This is especially difficult since my parents have been nothing but supportive of my career challenges and have never made me feel like a burden.

GENTLE READER: The people who say this are HOW old?

Miss Manners asks because the generation that considers relatives to be natural enemies is aging. They grew up denouncing their parents' values, styles of living and psyches; they left home as soon as possible and resented the expectation of telephone calls and holiday visits; and they predicted antagonism from children -- their own as well as others' -- at every stage: Babies would ruin your life, teenagers would hate you, young adults would go off and never be heard from again, or, worse, come home.

That other cultures value and seek to prolong family ties does not discourage such believers from declaring generational enmity to be normal human behavior.

But things are changing. You are far from the only young adult living with his parents. And while doing so is always explained in terms of economic hardship and maternal laundry service, those are not the only reasons.

It seems that another generation of parents has reared children who become fond of them. Miss Manners keeps hearing of, and even reading about, college students who keep in frequent touch with their parents, and graduates who are frankly happy to return home, in preference to living in solitude or with yet more roommates.

So you should be hearing fewer such remarks. That aging generation is beginning to realize that if a time comes when they are no longer able to live on their own, it is their children who will decide where to place them.

In the meantime, Miss Manners suggests replying: "Yes, I'm very lucky. Are you able to see much of your parents?" Or, if their parents are not likely to be alive, "of your children."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Regarding a husband and wife planning an anniversary, is there one or the other who usually does all the planning?

GENTLE READER: If they cannot settle that peaceably by themselves, Miss Manners supposes that they will not have to worry about celebrating many anniversaries.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was brought up by a mother and grandmother who overvalued table manners as an indication of a person's character and general worth as a human being. I pride myself on not having such foolish priorities, and yet ...

I am the grandmother of three wonderful young women who all hold their knives and forks incorrectly when cutting their meat, and I'm afraid it drives me crazy.

Do you think I should just get over it, or can you suggest a way I might correct them without embarrassing them and/or myself?

GENTLE READER: Don't you think you owe your mother and grandmother a tardy apology? Perhaps what they meant was not that people who eat haphazardly are valueless as human beings. Perhaps what they meant was only that such people are yucky to watch. As you have discovered.

However, Miss Manners notices that you also owe your forebears thanks for having provided you with a tactful way of instructing your granddaughters. If you give them an amusing picture of yourself in rebellion against what you thought of as shallow concerns, you will head off their saying the same. Then you can tell them that oddly enough, it did turn out to be true that people, even high-minded people, are put off by poor table manners.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I want to not invite six people to whom a "save the date" notification was sent. How can I do this in a tactful way?

GENTLE READER: Cancel the event.

You can then re-plan it for a different time with another guest list. But Miss Manners considers any other solution to be the equivalent of saying on the telephone, "Thanks for holding," and then hanging up.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On a recent outing to my local supermarket, an individual who must have been in quite a hurry slipped in behind me at the checkout line. Though I had placed only a few of my items on the counter, she began to place hers at the end of the belt, leaving me only a few inches to continue adding my own.

In her haste to unload her groceries, she must have pushed her carriage and it hit the back of my legs. I turned to look at her and she apologized. I acknowledged her apology, and, after having finished placing my items, moved up to the card reader to swipe my debit card.

I felt a presence behind me, and there she was, allowing me no privacy to enter my PIN, making it necessary for me to place my hands over the device to ensure it could not be read. What does one do in this situation?

I had no desire to make a scene, but wish I could have thought of something to say that was kind and to the point to let this individual know that she was repeatedly violating my personal space.

GENTLE READER: It would be more effective to let this individual know that she is repeatedly violating her own interests.

Miss Manners suggests halting your transaction to turn and say pleasantly, "I'll be able to oblige you by doing this faster if you will allow me the room I need." If you say it clearly, the people in line behind the offender will turn their impatience on her.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)