DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was at a wedding for which I drove a total of 19 hours there and back, only to find the following line on the back of the ceremony program: "In lieu of thank-you notes, we will be making a donation to the American Cancer Society."

This greatly upset me and many of the guests I was with. Is this a new tradition or is this completely inappropriate?

GENTLE READER: This stance -- "We don't have to be polite to you because we care so much about others" -- has been around for some time now. It is cited to cover a range of bad behavior, from yelling at strangers in the street to -- as in this case -- trampling on the feelings of friends and family.

What puzzles Miss Manners is how this is rationalized. How does the admirable act of giving to charity cancel out the need to express gratitude?

No doubt this couple expects acknowledgment from the American Cancer Society (indeed, they need it to take a tax deduction), yet they believe it does themselves credit to refuse to acknowledge the generosity of others.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I are having a continual battle over our window coverings. I believe it is rude for us to keep our blinds open, particularly at night. She does not think so. Is there etiquette for window coverings?

GENTLE READER: That would be Don't Frighten the Neighbors. But Miss Manners would advise not interesting them too much, either.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A few of our neighbors get together and have neighborhood socials. Some of the socials are Halloween, Christmas cookie exchange and Christmas parties.

In each of the invitations, the hosts request that everyone provide an hors d'oeuvre or dish, and they provide the house, a dish and wine.

One of the hostesses mentioned that if you come, you need to reciprocate. It doesn't look like any of the neighbors are reciprocating, unless it's a one-on-one dinner with them.

What is proper? My husband doesn't have anything in common with any of them, and some of the hosts and hostesses are very heavy drinkers, which turns him off. He goes because I like most of the people.

GENTLE READER: You like them in their houses, you mean, but not in yours. But that is not the way social life is supposed to work.

Miss Manners understands these to be cooperative parties, in which the same few people provide the venues, and are feeling put upon because others won't. Inviting the hosts by themselves does show appreciation, but it is not the same as assuming responsibility for the neighborhood-wide parties, which apparently everyone, including you (although not your husband), enjoys.

Perhaps a neighborhood committee is in order, at which people can divide the chores more reasonably. For example, people who don't have such parties at their houses might form a clean-up committee for those who do. The plea for equivalent effort is legitimate, although a hostess shouldn't have had to make it.

And please remember that the hosts' shortcomings are irrelevant once you have overcome these enough to accept their hospitality.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The U.S. elections and my quadrennial quandary draw closer. I am an expatriate, living where "communist" is a political position, rather than an insult. At social events, some other Americans ask for whom I will vote. I have tried being vague, humorous and evasive, but when pressed I tell them that I support neither candidate because I am a communist.

I am then treated to a summary of 50 years of Cold War propaganda, which appears to be unstoppable.

A social gathering is not the place for a serious political discussion, and I have offered to discuss our positions at a more appropriate time, but that fails, along with all of my attempts to extricate myself.

Have you any suggestion for avoiding this unpleasant situation, other than not accepting any invitation until December? Please do not advise me to "plead the Fifth"; my father did not, when much more was at stake, and the Recording Angel's tears would fall like rain were I to do so.

GENTLE READER: There is a difference between invoking the Fifth Amendment to the Bill of Rights, which protects a defendant in a criminal case from bearing witness against himself, and doing what every lawyer advises every client: not volunteering more information than was requested.

So you could have left it at "neither one"; or, because socially you don't have to answer nosy questions, said pleasantly, "Oh, let's not talk politics" and proposed another topic. Being pushed does not mean you have to topple.

But Miss Manners suspects that you feel that not stating your affiliation would be disloyal or cowardly. If so, you know what to expect.

To your questioners who are visitors to the country where you live, it might be worthwhile to interrupt by saying gently, "While you're here, you should look into what this means -- it's not at all what you think." This should at least leave them embarrassed to be caught in critical ignorance of the place they are visiting.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it too early to send a "save the date" in October for a Christmas party? I know people get very busy around the holidays, so I want to let my friends know of a party I am planning, but I don't want to look stupid by sending it now.

GENTLE READER: Well, there is a bit of a disconnect between your presumed hope in doing this and the likely result. Miss Manners prefers to characterize your proposal as futile, rather than stupid.

A save-the-date card binds the host to send an invitation at the proper time, but the recipient is not obligated to accept or decline until receiving the actual invitation. Thus with the possible exception of those who might write that they plan to be away at Christmas, you will not have any better an idea of those attending than you will at the proper time.

There is, however, a different kind of response your cards are likely to get, although you will be spared knowing about it. That is the groaning one hears in malls and shops that put up Christmas decorations before Thanksgiving, never mind Halloween. The shops intend to promote anxiety that Christmas will find them unprepared unless they concentrate on it now. That is hardly the emotion you want to inspire in your guests.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter is having a 14th birthday party/dance. I would like to strongly encourage the kids to leave their cellphones and electronic devices at home. How would you word that on the invitation?

GENTLE READER: As a themed party about olden times, before they were born, when no one had cellphones or tablets. Miss Manners hopes you will enjoy their amazement as you explain how people managed before we had such blessings.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother is a member of the Facebook community, where she often goes in search of people from her past. She has found many friends from her childhood, including a man whom she grew up with.

They began talking on Facebook and then moved on to texting over their cellphones. They have become close and have developed a romantic relationship. Since they live in different states, their relationship is mainly over the phone. However, on occasion, they each have driven cross-country to visit the other.

My mother wants my sister and me to be close to this man, so much so that she becomes pushy and almost tries to force it.

My problem is that he is married. Worse yet, his wife is ill and dying. When I finally agreed to meet him, he explained that he still loves his wife, as opposed to being in love with her, and that he refuses to leave her while she needs help, but that he cannot ignore his heart.

How do I respond to their relationship? Do I just accept it even though it makes me feel uncomfortable? Do I refuse to be a part of it?

I'm conflicted because I feel what they are doing is wrong, especially to the man's wife (I can't help but picture myself in her position -- I would be heartbroken!), but my sister is married and dating another man and it doesn't bother me. She and her husband have been separated for three years now.

Am I a hypocrite for accepting my sister's relationship but not my mother's?

GENTLE READER: Let us rather say that you are doing some selective empathizing. It would be simpler if you took a principled stand, either that married people should never date, or that extenuating circumstances permit it.

Miss Manners would have been prepared for you to argue that you knew your brother-in-law didn't mind his wife's activities, but you did not. And while it is likely that the wife of your mother's friend would mind her husband's romance, you do not know that -- sometimes a dying person wants to know that the spouse will be taken care of.

So it does look a bit as if, in the absence of guidelines, you are simply opposing your mother. That is not to say that your mother is right, nor that you need to befriend her beau now. But you should bear in mind that you may end up related to him.

A technique that many people scorn as cowardly, Miss Manners recommends as useful: hedging. She suggests asking your mother not to force the issue now, but to allow you some time before treating him as one of the family.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)