DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a 62-year-old woman and was in a large university hospital visiting a friend who was being moved into hospice care. There were several people waiting for an elevator on that floor.

I saw a woman about 30 years of age quietly weeping. I so wanted to put my arm around her, but I didn't. I couldn't even find a dry tissue in my purse to offer her. Should I have put my arm around her and said something? Not one of the many people waiting or in the elevator said anything to her.

GENTLE READER: Many years ago, one of the leading proponents of the theory that hugs are always a comfort, even from strangers, said publicly that he was once in a hotel elevator with Miss Manners and thought she would benefit from a hug.

Fortunately, he refrained. The least that mild-mannered Miss Manners would have done if a strange man had grabbed her in an elevator would have been to brain him with her purse.

Obviously, you appeared to be less threatening, but it is never a good idea to startle a stranger like that. Offering the tissue would have been kind, and just saying, "Can I get you anything?" would have shown compassion in a distant enough way that would not intrude on the lady's grief.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend of the family wrote on his card (which included a generous wedding gift), "No thank-you note requested." This man is my father's business partner, and as someone whom I have known since I was very young, it seemed inappropriate for me not to acknowledge his gift, even at his request.

After weeks of mulling over the appropriate response, I opted to send a short but sweet email instead of a paper thank-you card I sent to everyone else. Despite having made my decision, I still feel uncomfortable disregarding his request. What would you recommend that I do in the future, should such a situation arise?

GENTLE READER: No doubt your father's partner saw this as added generosity on his part -- to excuse you from an onerous duty. But you were right to recoil from his suggestion, because it would have forced you to be rude.

How is that possible (Miss Manners imagines you wondering), when you would only be complying with his suggestion? If he doesn't care about receiving thanks, why should you bother giving them?

The answer is that otherwise, he will have made you into an ingrate.

It is the essence of letters of thanks that the writers must seem to be writing spontaneously out of gratitude that they feel and can't help expressing. This is why obvious form letters -- ones that begin "Thank you for the ..." or, worse, pre-printed ones -- are unsatisfactory. So by agreeing not to write, you would be admitting that you were not actually grateful and were relieved to be free of the chore of pretending that you were. Your benefactor may declare this not to be rude, but you and Miss Manners know that it would be.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Left over from last Thanksgiving: Evidence from Gentle Readers of how people concluded the holiday for gathering in warm fellowship to give thanks for the bounty received:

-- "My sister went to great expense and labor to give Thanksgiving dinner. Although she did not ask the guests to bring anything, a couple of them brought wine and one guest brought a couple of cans of nuts, both taking the leftovers home. One guest told my sister in advance that she was going to take some leftovers for an ill friend, brought her own containers in which to put the leftovers, and took not only some for the friend but also some for herself. Another guest, without receiving an offer, just left with leftovers.

"My sister is extremely kindhearted and always makes way too much food. I told her that, next year, she should charge for takeout dinners."

-- "My friend had provided all of the food for Thanksgiving, and the preparation for everything with the exception of the pies.

"When the dinner was over, a neighbor she had invited started carving the leftover bird. The hostess gave him a pie plate, thinking he would carve his portion of the meat and leave room on the plate for the potatoes, stuffing and vegetable to take home.

"Instead, he proceeded to carve away on the bird, filling the entire plate with just turkey meat. It was a large bird, 20 to 22 pounds. When the plate could hold no more turkey, he quit carving and took the plate home with him.

"My friend had intended to split up the remaining bird for herself to take to work the following week and to give some to me. What the neighbor left was barely enough for one or two meals."

-- "My three sisters and I take turns each year hosting, but when one sister hosts, she always keeps leftovers even though she didn't fix all the casseroles or bread, stuffed mushrooms, etc.(we brought them to her house). When the rest of us host, we share leftovers with each other."

-- "We were asked to contribute to a lovely Thanksgiving dinner at the home of friends, and I made more than enough soup for the 18 people who were invited. After the dinner, I noticed that the hostess put the leftover soup into a container for her own use. She had her housekeeper clean my pot and gave me my empty pot as we were leaving."

-- "I was asked to bring a rather specific bottle of wine, which I did, although it was rather costly. Once I got to the party, I found out that almost everyone had brought wine, almost all pricey imported bottles.

"The party lasted several hours, but during the course of the dinner my bottle of wine was never opened. As I was leaving, I was shocked that the hosts did not offer to return the wine to me. They kept not only my bottle, but also a few others' bottles that they had specifically requested us to bring. This, while others who attended and brought only food were allowed to take their leftovers home."

A fine way to top off the day of giving thanks and sharing -- squabbling over the leftovers.

These people are not starving, Miss Manners gathers; on the contrary, they are probably complaining of feeling overstuffed. They are not at soup kitchens, where they hope to stretch the holiday meal for an otherwise bleak next day. Nor are they at restaurants, where they may ask to take home food they bought that would otherwise have to be thrown away.

They seem to have mistaken the holiday for Grabby Day.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My dad has married someone close to me in age, and I am uncomfortable introducing her as my stepmom. I also don't think it's right to introduce her as my dad's wife. What should I say when introducing her?

GENTLE READER: Are you hoping for a passable way to say, "That's Peaches, who's made a fool of my father"?

There isn't one. You needn't call her your stepmother, but you do have to acknowledge that she is your father's wife. This is a legal definition, not a matter of your deciding whether it is right or wrong. If you want to be cold, and Miss Manners gathers that you do, you could introduce her as Mrs. with her surname.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been divorced for nearly two years. My ex-husband chose an exceptionally lovely wedding set, which I always enjoyed wearing. We agreed that I should keep the ring when we parted ways.

It's been in a ring box in the safe for the past two years, and it seems a shame that something so beautiful is hidden from view. I know I will never sell it, and I have no children.

Is this beautiful object destined to live a life unseen? I no longer have any illusions about the ring's emotional value and have been contemplating wearing it on my non-wedding finger, but is that acceptable?

Also, I have a friend who has always fawned over the ring -- to the point that upon hearing of the divorce, she offered to have her beloved "make me an offer" to take it off my hands, which I graciously declined by telling her that she wouldn't possibly want such a cursed item. (That explanation seemed easier than calling attention to what I'm sure must have been a momentary slip of her usual good sense.)

Is the ring cursed -- or is it just bad form to recycle an item that represents a broken marriage? Clearly no one ever asks whether "Grandma" or "Auntie" had a successful marriage when accepting an heirloom, but the outcome of this ring's marriage is not even up for debate, so I'm in limbo. And if it is cursed, what does one do to remove that curse?

GENTLE READER: How did your divorce get to be the ring's fault?

Just as Miss Manners had concluded that invoking a curse was a graceful way for you to parry your friend's offer, you showed that you were beginning to fall for it yourself.

Perhaps you are confusing a curse with a symbol. The ring did, indeed, carry symbolic value at one time, and some divorced ladies who still feel that but don't want to give up their rings have the stones re-set.

But you say that you are over that feeling, in which case rings revert to being jewelry only. And curse-less.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)