Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If you are at a gathering of friends and family, is it rude to go into a corner and fall asleep?

GENTLE READER: If you look as if you are doing so on purpose, yes. So unless you are old enough to produce smiles when you say, "I'm afraid it's my nap time," or young enough to have a parent make that announcement for you, you should not make obvious preparations for sleeping in comfort. No stretching out on the sofa or plumping its pillows.

Dozing off in place is another matter. Comfort is out of the question then, not only because of the crick developing in the neck, but because of the noise your relatives will make arguing whether this is a symptom of illness that must be taken seriously, or the result of your having overdone the food and drink.

Given those alternatives, the now-alert sleeper may want to claim rudeness, apologize, and try to look interested in the conversation.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was wondering if it is proper etiquette to say "excuse me" after yawning.

GENTLE READER: That would be admitting that you had yawned. A truly alert person would twist the yawn into a smile. But, then, Miss Manners supposes that a truly alert person would not be yawning.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I know about the existence of dessert spoons and forks, their placement and use. But I still don't understand how to eat with them.

Eat the cake with the fork and leave the spoon alone? Eat the ice cream with the spoon and leave the fork? If there's a sauce, do I -- or may I -- eat with the fork and mop up with the spoon? Do you ever use both at once?

GENTLE READER: Indeed you do: That is the default method at formal meals, used for every dessert except those when it would be ridiculous, such as -- as you have noted -- ice cream without cake, or cake without ice cream.

Miss Manners offers the two-utensil dessert setting as proof that etiquette, far from trying to trick hungry people by confusing them about what flatware to use, generously provides the tools to get the job done.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was taught from childhood to tuck a corner of the napkin into my shirt collar to protect the front of the shirt while eating. I usually do not follow this custom for casual dining, but I usually do when wearing a tie or a suede coat or the like because it can be very effective at protecting the garments and avoiding an expensive dry-cleaning bill.

My lady friend, however, tells me that the tucked-napkin look is not something that is attractive or socially acceptable, and that I should avoid this custom lest I appear to be a rube.

On occasion I also have used the device of unbuttoning one shirt button and tucking the tie inside the shirt, usually when dining with other males. Your comments on the appropriateness of these usages would be appreciated.

GENTLE READER: It is to your credit that you remember that early childhood lesson. But what about the subsequent lessons?

Were you not taught, as your motor skills developed, to refrain from overloading your fork or spoon and to aim carefully, so that a bib was no longer necessary? If your parents neglected this, your lady friend seems ready to teach you, Miss Manners gathers. Barring some unfortunate medical condition, a gentleman is supposed to be able to eat neatly enough to avoid splattering himself.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Would you please define for us some guidelines for video chatting? I am especially interested in knowing whether a lady is considered to be in her own home or a guest in somebody else's home. This is very important for determining whether she should be wearing a hat and gloves.

GENTLE READER: May we assume that you have something else on as well? Well, good. These days, Miss Manners does not take that for granted.

It would be silly for you to be dressed to go out when you are being seen at home. The situation is more like that of neighbors leaning out their respective windows, which also means that only the part that shows counts.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have, on half a dozen occasions over the years, been asked by total strangers (usually salesclerks, etc.): "Are you two brothers?" We are somewhat stymied by how to respond and are seeking your advice.

We look roughly as similar as do any two people of the same race, socioeconomic class and gender -- my husband doesn't look very much at all like my actual brother -- but we do, of course, have a very close rapport, and usually these questions come when we are both smiling and have been enjoying each other's conversation while waiting in line.

Clearly part of the "problem" is our gender: I know many heterosexual couples who look (to my eyes) very similar, but when a man and a woman are traveling together, it is assumed that they are in a romantic relationship (also a problematic assumption).

Then again, my husband and I do wear matching wedding bands, so even when we are traveling in conservative parts of the country, we're not exactly closeted.

In any case, our response so far has been to look at the offending questioner with a slightly perplexed expression (but still a smile) and say, "No." If the conversations were not so brief, or if we had any expectation of interacting with the same person ever again, we might perhaps be moved to say something more, like, "No, we're married."

Does Miss Manners suggest we adopt the latter response as our primary one? Or, perhaps you have an even better answer? "No" usually elicits either, "But you look so similar!" or, "Oh, just friends then?" neither of which is the exchange we're going for.

I am tempted to start accosting opposite-gender pairs on the street and loudly proclaiming, "Are you two brother and sister?" but I have restrained myself.

GENTLE READER: You do so because you acknowledge that all such questions are stupid. Making guesses about people to their faces, whether in regard to relationships, age, ethnicity, pregnancy or anything else, is impertinent, even when the guesses are right, which they seldom seem to be.

As you have noticed, continuing the guessing game by saying "no" offers unnecessary encouragement to nosiness. For that matter, any answer invites more probing, and you are under no obligation to strangers, to whom you can say, "I don't believe we know you." But she sees no other possible objection to your simply stating that you are married.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I enjoy meeting new people, friends of friends and fellow attendees at various events. We are easygoing, genuinely interested in others and adventurous, so we receive many invitations to treks and events that we cannot attend, which we politely decline.

Usually, people get the picture pretty quickly and they turn into solid acquaintances whom we have great, albeit thin, relationships with. This is a good problem to have, and we feel good about these relationships.

However, this has put off a few of these acquaintances, once in a public and pointed diatribe about how we are terrible friends. I know this friend is not wrong, but clearly didn't see our relationship the same way we did.

How do we set the expectations so that these dear people know we value them and like to run into them/meet up at events of common interest, but can't possibly nurture a friendship with them?

As an event or gathering winds up, there are always conversations about repeating the adventure, or at least hanging out again soon. I don't want to end on a sour note by declining friendships or dismissing the very real connections that have been made, but am at a loss for what to say to not build up the expectation that we should immediately pursue a deep friendship.

I feel that Facebook has exacerbated the problem. We don't run a big-tent social life, inviting everyone to everything (we tried it a while back and it became unmanageable, as our friends barely got along and we weren't able to have the deep friendships we need), so I get the feeling that when pictures of a dinner out or a camping weekend are posted, it appears that we are ignoring acquaintances.

Note that we don't expect them to be perfect friends, we don't make demands of acquaintances, and when any of them hit hard times we are there to help with moves, breakups and other important steps in their lives. If they ask if we can do something, we are clear with a yes or a no.

We feel great about the best friends we have (a dozen or so) and nurture them through nearly daily conversations and frequent adventures together. There are plenty of great models for friendships, but too few about how to be a good acquaintance.

GENTLE READER: Indeed, Facebook has done huge damage to the etiquette rule against flaunting social events in sight of people who were not invited.

Especially as your events are small, couldn't you send the pictures only to the participants? Do you really need to tell the rest of the world what a good time you are having?

It is not that Miss Manners disagrees with your distinction between close friends and acquaintances. You would be vastly overextended if you did not set limitations. The polite way to do so is to say: "We seem to be ridiculously overcommitted these days, but do let's keep in touch. We always enjoy running in to you."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Can my 15-year-old granddaughter wear a short cocktail dress to a black-tie wedding?

GENTLE READER: Can you stop her?

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)