DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have heard that it is not proper to thank people for Christmas gifts. This does not seem reasonable to me, especially when gifts have been packaged and mailed, and the giver is not present upon receipt. What is the official rule of etiquette about Christmas gifts?

GENTLE READER: Let Miss Manners guess where you are getting your etiquette information.

The subject arose with someone under an obligation to thank either you or another benefactor, such as that person's grandmother. When you mentioned that, there was a counterattack in the form of a declaration that such an expectation was selfish, because true generosity exists for itself, not with any thought of being thanked.

Got that? The person who gave the present is condemned as ignoble by the very person who benefited but wouldn't trouble to acknowledge it. Miss Manners trusts that you are not so naive as to fall for such sophistry.

Generosity and gratitude are permanently paired. Those would-be etiquetteers who declare expressing thanks to be no longer required have done only half the job. They must also then abolish the custom of giving -- or, what always turns out to be the case with them -- accepting presents.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am married with two children, 14 and 4. My 4-year-old son is currently in treatment for cancer.

My family has been very supportive and kind. One of my sisters, who has no children and a lucrative career, usually shows up for a visit with very expensive gifts for the 4-year-old. This Christmas season, she has been more extravagant than usual, I assume as a result of my son's illness.

I have gently suggested that she should come for a visit with no gifts, so that my son appreciates her presence more than her "presents." She was offended at the suggestion. Is there any polite way to limit her gifts?

GENTLE READER: Probably not. Buying them is a comfort to your sister.

What you can do is to use the presents to encourage a bond between them. "Oh, look what Aunt Sophie has brought you!" you can say. And then announce to them both that Aunt Sophie will teach him how to play the game, ride the vehicle, read him the book, or whatever.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was raised on the East Coast in a home where we always used cloth napkins. I continue to use them. They are put back on the table and used another day.

My son and his wife were disgusted by this and said it must be a hangover from the austerity of the war years. I replace them when they seem to need it -- sometimes several days. Is he right and I am wrong?

GENTLE READER: Perhaps he has a full-time laundress, and you do not.

And perhaps he has no idea what those fanciful round silver objects are, which are often elaborate, sometimes with whimsical themes, and carry engraved names or initials.

These are called napkin rings, functional items that once appeared even in fully staffed households. (A good laundress is hard to find, and one wouldn't want to overtax her.) They are meant for family use only, never, as they are now sometimes used, as decorations for guests' napkins.

You will notice that Miss Manners is refusing to consider the possibility that a properly reared son is trying to convert his parents to paper napkins.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: It has happened again. Once more, my wife and I attended a lovely catered party in a reception facility, where the company was interesting and the hosts gracious and welcoming -- and the "background" music was so loud that all the guests had to shout to be heard.

In this case, it was simply one guitarist/singer, but his amplification and the acoustics of the hall made it impossible to carry on any sort of normal conversation while he was playing. I am certainly not alone in this complaint, as several others at this otherwise pleasant affair also mentioned the unpleasantly excessive level of the music.

I should stress that I am not an old fogey, and I do like music of a considerable volume to dance to, but when there is no dancing, why can't guests appreciate one another's company without bellowing?

It is our experience that many, if not most, hosts seem oblivious to the fact that the musician they hired is making it difficult for people to enjoy themselves. This seems to be especially the case at wedding receptions, when the music is at "dancing level" during dinner.

Is there any polite way to ask a host or hostess to have the volume lowered? I have long ago given up asking musicians to tone it down; they simply ignore the request as an outrageous intrusion on their craft.

GENTLE READER: "Background music" is something Miss Manners has never understood. If it is good enough to listen to, it should not have to compete with conversation. If it is not good enough to listen to, it should not be played.

As for amplification, the problem is only going to get worse as the level deafens people who will then require even higher volumes.

But no, you really cannot tell your hosts that you are not enjoying their party. At most, you and someone with whom you want to talk can ask the hosts if there is someplace quieter where you can do so.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do you deal with a daughter-in-law who tries to take over in your kitchen? The holidays are here, and I'm dreading her getting in my way.

GENTLE READER: The most important thing is to refrain from mentioning the problem to relatives who scrupulously avoid getting in your way by settling themselves into comfortable chairs while you clean up.

For that matter, it would be better not to mention it to the offending daughter-in-law, either. Rather, you should beg her assistance in such out-of-the-kitchen tasks as setting the table, collecting the Christmas wrappings for the trash, and the most important task of all, which Miss Manners' own dear father described as "Go see what the children are doing and tell them to stop."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it considered bad manners to scrape one's teeth on the fork when eating?

GENTLE READER: Yes, and it provokes other bad manners -- a chorus of "Eeeewww, stop!"

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am inundated with holiday season requests from friends and colleagues to make charitable donations to one cause or another. I read the stories associated with each of these causes, and they all appear to be fine organizations worthy of support.

However, I have my own special foundation (it supports cures for a physical disability I have) that is also quite worthy of support. My charitable giving budget, such as it is, is consumed between donations to this group along with the universities that I attended.

I would not dream of asking friends to make donations to support my cause and somewhat resent that they ask me to support theirs. However, I know they mean well and am wondering how I can respond to them with a nice, but firm "No, thanks." Up to now, my typical response has been no response, which doesn't seem appropriate.

GENTLE READER: Written solicitations need be answered only by those who want to comply with the requests for money, and Miss Manners presumes that you are not silent when friends approach you face to face.

It is the latter situation that is awkward, and intentionally so. Friends figure that you will be embarrassed to turn them down; that is why they ask. That you are philanthropic without using such tactics is as rare as it is commendable.

Your response should be, "These are certainly worthy causes, but my charity budget is committed elsewhere." Should anyone be so rude as to argue, Miss Manners gives you leave to say, "Why, are you interested in contributing to my causes?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently hired a cleaning lady to do some basic cleaning around my condo. She comes biweekly and has visited four or five times so far. I have probably seen her face to face for about 30 minutes total; she visits while I'm at work.

When I got home after her last visit, I was surprised to find a holiday card with a $25 restaurant gift card on my counter wishing me happy holidays. While I very much appreciate the sentiment and gesture, I find myself very uncomfortable.

I moved to this country 10 years ago and am not Christian, so buying gifts for people, let alone for people I hardly know, is not part of my cultural makeup. Besides this, I have fairly strong feelings about consumerism, etc., which I will not belabor.

Must I bite the bullet and get her a gift, potentially setting up an annual cycle as long as I employ her, or is there any other way to delicately nip this in the bud?

GENTLE READER: Putting the religious and pseudo-social aspects aside, there is still a reason to respond. It is, in fact, a reason that would prevail even if your employee had not left you a gift card (which is not customary from an employee, and which Miss Manners therefore cannot help interpreting as a hint).

That is to give her a year-end bonus. This is customary for domestic employees, and usually consists of an extra week's pay. It need not be related to religion, and it does not carry the pretense of friendship.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)