DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am old enough to recall when guests came first. Drop-ins might have been unexpected, but never unwanted or unwelcome. The family made accommodations as if they had been invited -- even if guests got most of the meal or the children of the household ate peanut butter sandwiches.

Nowadays the family's schedule comes first, and drop-ins might not even be invited in for a brief chat and coffee. Calling first does not mean they will be welcome either.

Is this a sign of the rudeness that is so pervasive in society?

GENTLE READER: At first, Miss Manners thought you must have meant to write that you recalled when guests "called" first. It seemed unlikely that you would be old enough to predate the telephone, the invention that made asking-before-appearing possible.

Certainly, people should show great consideration for their guests. But guests are also obliged to show consideration. Popping up unexpectedly and eating the children's dinner does not meet that standard.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For meetings, I periodically place a to-go order with a local restaurant for 10 to 20 people. The owner of the restaurant asked for a tip.

Is this standard practice? I have not tipped for carry-out unless delivered.

GENTLE READER: It is not the custom to insult the owner of a business by offering him a tip. Unfortunately, Miss Manners understands that it has indeed become a frequent practice of owners to request being insulted.

As with other requests for handouts, one need not comply. If you feel an explanation is necessary, you could say, "Of course I tip employees, who make so little, but aren't you the owner?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The other day I ran into an acquaintance, the mother of one of my daughter's former classmates. We exchanged pleasantries and I asked what was new with her daughter. She then went on for several minutes, telling me about her daughter's difficult mental health problems.

I tried to respond positively and supportively, saying something about, "How difficult, but I'm glad she's doing so much better." Then she asked me about my daughter, who is doing extremely well.

Miss Manners, how should one respond in this situation? Do I downplay my daughter's success and happiness? Am I expected to share some unpleasant aspect of my daughter's life so as not to sound as if I am bragging, or make this woman feel worse about her own situation? Or do I just state the facts -- where my daughter lives, what she does, marital status -- without editorial comments, as I wish she had, without burdening me with the tale of her daughter's unhappy circumstances.

GENTLE READER: You say you would not have whined, but Miss Manners hopes that you also would not have bragged even if the other mother had done so. So yes, just give whatever straightforward news of your daughter that you would have given anyway.

The important thing to remember is that the daughters are not rivals but presumably friends, or at least acquaintances who would show some concern about each other. Therefore, it is not just your own sympathy you should convey, but the statement that you know that your daughter, too, will be concerned to hear of her former classmate's troubles and will wish her well.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Just when one thinks that the Wedding Industrial Complex cannot get any worse, it does. One of the latest trends is to suggest to brides- and grooms-to-be that it is a good thing to tell those whom they are not inviting to the wedding just why they are not being invited.

The explanation given is that the couple would adore to have you attend their wedding, but that their budget will not permit it. It is also suggested that to make the excluded feel included, they be invited to go along on expeditions to "help choose" the dress, the cake or whatever.

As the occasional recipient of such announcements, I would like your advice about how to respond. It seems churlish to say that you're relieved not to be invited, but it seems awkward to admit that your feelings are hurt at being excluded.

GENTLE READER: The temptation to respond, "Oh, please don't feel bad about this -- I wouldn't have gone anyway," must be enormous.

Certainly that is a lot more tempting than going shopping with the bride, to watch her spend the money she saved by excluding you, and to help choose a cake of which you will not be offered a slice.

Miss Manners understands that it might sometimes be necessary to respond to pushy people who announce their intention of attending a wedding to which they have not been invited. Even then, pleading budget concerns is ugly, as an admission that the arrangements are more important than the people.

They should be told, "It's a very small wedding -- just family and a few close friends." And no, that's not a lie, because "small" and "close" are subject to interpretation. But to say, "Nyah, nyah, you're not invited to my wedding" to people who were minding their own business is as mean as it is vulgar.

As no invitation was issued, no response is necessary. But you could reassure them that you are not devastated by saying cheerfully, "Fine" or, "That's quite all right." And for the sake of form, Miss Manners hopes you will add your good wishes.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper thing to say when family or friends come over and you are ready to call it a night, but they don't leave?

My husband and I have friends, a married couple, who often come over for lunch and an afternoon visit. They usually arrive about 11:30 a.m. and sometimes stay past dinnertime, usually until 8:30 or 9 p.m.

I don't want to also offer dinner after preparing a nice lunch. If they come for dinner at 5:30, I have to throw them out at 1 a.m. because I start falling asleep in their presence. We are seniors and usually go to bed by 11 o'clock at the latest. We really like this couple and don't want to hurt their feelings. Help!

GENTLE READER: What would you do if they were taking leave of you at a proper time?

Miss Manners is guessing that you would stand up and, while moving toward the door, say something about having enjoyed seeing them and hoping to see them again before too long.

Do that.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been thinking about the standards of television news after violent tragedies. Some of the questions posed to people being interviewed strike me as both non-newsworthy and rude.

For example, how would Miss Manners respond to a question about how parents reacted when told their young child had been murdered? Would ending the interview with, "I'm sorry, but I thought I was talking to a news reporter, not a daytime talk-show host," be appropriate?

GENTLE READER: Not really. Besides, you intend this as an insult, but the days are long gone when news and entertainment were separated enough to allow each field to look down on the other.

What astonished Miss Manners, when she was a young, intrepid reporter, was how few people in tragic situations simply decline to be interviewed. She understands that some may need public help (in finding a murderer, for example), and that many are too distressed to distinguish between official and media questioning. But it is pitiful to see people squirming under this attention, apparently without realizing the option of refusing.

Furthermore, the ubiquitous question, "How does this make you feel?" is not only intrusive but pointless. However well or badly they articulate it, the victims of tragedy feel terrible. We know that, and should not prod them to declare it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is the baby shower given for the baby or the parents of the baby?

GENTLE READER: In view of the fact that at the time a shower is given, it is impossible to separate the mother from the baby, Miss Manners is puzzled about why you feel you need to choose. If you must, she would advise choosing the one who has learned to write letters of thanks.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had custom correspondence cards printed with a motif on the top left and my full name (first, middle and last) on the lower right corner. While I love the look of the card, my choice of style poses a problem: If my name is already printed, should I also sign it?

I've been signing just my first name right above the printed name. It feels impersonal not to sign my name, but redundant to write what is already printed for me. How should I continue?

GENTLE READER: What you have is the modern version of what used to be called (despite the crime of turning an adjective into a noun) "informals." These were smaller, fold-over cards, with the name engraved on the front and room for a short message inside.

The change to larger cards was made when the postal service declared that it would cease to bother with anything that small. But even before then, informals were misunderstood. Not heeding the name, brides often wrote formal letters of thanks on them.

"Informal" means informal, although not in the anything-goes sense. (That would be the ubiquitous "casual.") Informal, in this case, just means that you needn't follow the forms of a letter. You can omit both the salutation and the closing, writing brief invitations, notes with presents or other short messages. Although it is not strictly necessary, you can add an informal signature -- your first name or initial -- if you draw a slanted line through your formal name.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)