Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Now that winter is nearly upon us, I am fond of wearing hats outside. My dear mother always instructed me that it was rude to wear a hat indoors, and I am not suggesting that such rules have relaxed.

However, as a professional working in New York, upon entering my office building I have to present my identification in order to pass through the security gates in the lobby (a wonderful addition in these post-9/11 times). Because I carry a briefcase, I have only one free hand with which to fish out my identification and press it against the gate in order to open it. Thus, I am left without a hand with which to carry my hat.

What is a gentleman to do under these circumstances? My current custom is to leave my hat on my head until I've passed through the security gate (even though this means wearing the hat into the building, up an escalator and across the lobby) and then, once I've returned my identification to my pocket, remove my hat and hold it in my hand.

GENTLE READER: If she were not a lady, and thus obliged to keep her hat on her head, Miss Manners would tip her hat to you for your desire to obey the letter of the law. But in this case, observing the spirit is sufficient. Gentlemen are allowed to keep their hats on as they travel through transitional spaces such as lobbies, corridors and airport esplanades.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I attended a wedding where the couple made a show of toasting each other with sparkling cider in elegant stemware. While this was lovely to behold, no festive beverage was provided for the guests to participate in any way. I understand this has become quite the tradition at weddings. I always thought when toasts were offered, everyone should be given the opportunity to participate.

GENTLE READER: Perhaps that is because you thought that bridal couples cared about their wedding guests as guests, not to mention as family and friends. Why you should want to attend weddings of people who just want to assemble an audience, and assume that you should be thrilled to be allowed to look on, Miss Manners cannot imagine.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a co-worker who utilizes a wireless head-set in the bathroom, continuing her conversations with internal and external customers while completing her business. As she responds to the customer, we believe the line is not mute.

My co-workers have tested the theory that you can hear everything, and the toilet flushing is loud and clear. How do we address this in a non-passive-aggressive manner? I find it very rude, and I can't imagine what our customers are thinking.

GENTLE READER: Your concern that your co-worker is embarrassing the company is justifiable, but Miss Manners can see that you and your colleagues are having far too much fun with this.

The original worker's behavior is a problem for the boss, and it should be raised to her in a general way: "Do we have a policy on cellphone use when dealing with customers? There have been some reports of strange sounds in the background, and I was hoping we could all get some guidance."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners(at)gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am at the age now when my friends have started having children of their own. That puts me in the generation who share nearly every part of our lives online, and though I don't have children of my own, I certainly enjoy the pictures and stories my peers post about their kids (who are too young for Facebook accounts).

The trouble is, where does the cute story end and the humiliation begin?

Many of my friends with children post not only "cross-eyed bear" anecdotes, but stories of their sons and daughters being naughty or reckless (as toddlers will), and include details that, were I that child, I would not want to be public knowledge. It's known that most social media make up a permanent digital record. And even if future colleagues and friends don't find these stories, every adult the child grows up around will know them.

Since these kids won't have access to their own online identity for several years, it's a very one-sided narrative indeed. I'm not sure how to talk to the parents involved about my misgivings without seeming nosy or discouraging them from sharing their experiences raising children.

GENTLE READER: The urge to rescue endangered children is a noble one, and Miss Manners agrees with you that these children are in danger of being embarrassed in years to come. As you point out, they are not yet old enough to embarrass themselves.

However, this is not a form of cruelty that justifies outside interference. The most you can do is to say jokingly, "Wow, I bet his future bosses will enjoy seeing that."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My partner is in the military, and occasionally we find ourselves in the situation of having to go out on an errand with him in uniform. We have experienced the whole gamut of responses from strangers, from disapproving stares to adorable little children approaching us and boldly asking, "Do you fight bad guys?" Sometimes we get the standard "Thank you for your service," which he appreciates and responds to with "Thank you for saying thank you."

Most of the reactions from strangers range from tolerable to endearing (to the mother of the boy who thought he was a superhero: Your son is adorable! May he never lose his sense of wonder). Sometimes people become a little too curious and ask where he has deployed to in the past, want to know exactly what it is he does in the military, when he will be shipping out again, etc.

While these are conversations we routinely have with our friends and family, I don't think it is public information any stranger in a coffee shop should be badgering us for. What response would you recommend to terminate these conversations without sounding rude or dismissive?

GENTLE READER: You are fortunate in that this form of intrusiveness, unlike the general nosiness that is rampant nowadays, starts from a premise of respect.

Miss Manners is not suggesting that this requires your partner to enter into such conversations, only that he can draw on that respect to excuse himself. "I'm on leave, and I'm afraid my time is limited" or, "Please excuse me, but these are matters I'd rather not discuss," he can say apologetically.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners(at)gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband's sister and her husband are a nice enough couple, but their tendencies for PDA (both physically and verbally) are starting to drive me bonkers.

They are that couple that kisses at the dinner table, sits on each other's laps when there are more than enough chairs to go around, and professes their love for each other on Facebook, even if they are in the same room. I'm not a prude, but it makes me feel very uncomfortable.

The last straw was when I received my wedding photos a few weeks ago and was dismayed to find many pictures where my in-laws were kissing and making googly eyes at each other in our wedding party (bridesmaids and groomsmen) pictures. Looking at them you would wonder why my husband and I were wearing the bride and groom's attire instead of them.

I really want to say something without hurting their feelings too much, but my husband is convinced they don't know what they are doing. We are all in our late 20s and early 30s, so there is no chance that they will grow out of this behavior.

GENTLE READER: You mean that they look like newlyweds, and yet will never outgrow that stage? Miss Manners finds that a rather charmingly optimistic view of marriage.

It is not charming to watch, however. Prudery -- so common a charge that you anticipate it -- has nothing to do with it. Watching people kiss (and more) on film constitutes a great deal of our so-called entertainment. The reason that onlookers dislike this in life is because it is clear that the loving couple is not interested in others, to the extent of pretending that they are not there.

Do not seat them next to each other at dinner, where couples should be separated anyway, for variety of conversation. Elsewhere, a slightly more polite way of saying "get a room," at least among visiting relatives, is, "It's all right if you want to go home now and be alone." And to keep from going bonkers, stay off their Facebook pages.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: During the offertory collection at my church, some form of religious musical performance takes place. It may be the choir, a soloist (vocal or instrumental) or the bell choir.

At the conclusion of the performance the entire congregation applauds as though they are at a concert. To me this borders on being sacrilegious.

Is this acceptable behavior? Wouldn't it be more appropriate to compliment the performers individually and informally after the service? Is this a common practice in other churches?

GENTLE READER: It is, alas, increasingly common for people to regard everything as a source of entertainment. Miss Manners is grateful that you recognize that church music is indeed intended for the glory of God, not the pleasure of worshippers. Praise for the performers may certainly be delivered after the service, but it should not be allowed to interrupt praise for God.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)