Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm a single, 30-year-old gay male. Saturday night before last, I met a guy who's 12 years my senior. We spoke on the phone a few times, and on Monday he was persistent and asked me out to dinner.

When the bill came, he paid just his half. I was taken aback by this. Since he invited me, shouldn't he have at least offered to pay the whole bill?

Granted, I'm not someone who expects others to pay my way; however, good manners and etiquette dictate that the inviter/host should have paid or offered to pay. I would have offered to pay my half or the whole thing.

Am I being too old-fashioned, or does etiquette not apply to gay relationships where the passive (female) and active (male) roles do not apply?

Also, did my having him go with me to the ATM (I was short on cash and had a feeling something like this might happen) affect his decision in not offering to pay?

He's interested in me, but I don't know if I should pursue this relationship. Good manners mean a lot to me, and I don't know if can introduce him to my friends and family. After all, the first impression tells you a lot about a person.

GENTLE READER: And his first impression was of you at the ATM right before dinner. The gentleman likely assumed that either you intended to pay for your meal, or you were planning a quick getaway afterward.

You are correct that the person initiating the invitation should pay. Please forget about that active-passive angle. Everyone else has.

Your new friend could easily have been confused by your actions and not wanted to offend. Miss Manners suggests you give him the benefit of the doubt and invite him on another date. This time you should pay -- and if he protests, say, "No, no, I invited you." If he is the gentleman you hope him to be, he will understand for next time.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What do I take to Thanksgiving dinner when the hostess said to "bring nothing"?

GENTLE READER: An appetite, good cheer, sociability toward everyone there, and an attitude of thankfulness.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Over the years, I was taught that when setting a proper table, glassware is placed above the knives, i.e. water glass, wine glass(es). However, while attending a wine tasting and dinner, the glassware was placed above the forks, the indication being made that this was the proper setting, as set forth in the world of wine experts.

I turn to you, Miss Manners, for a point of clarification, please. Have the Certified Wine Experts changed the way we set our tables, or is the more traditional setting still proper?

GENTLE READER: As little enthusiasm as Miss Manners has for taking on the Certified Wine Experts, they do not get to trash the table settings. Besides, many -- probably nearly all -- of their very own admirers were taught as you were. Do they really want them reaching for one another's glasses?

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I like to be shirtless, but my girlfriend insists that when people are around I put on a shirt. I do not have an offensive body, so that's not the issue. She says it's respect. Who's right?

GENTLE READER: She is. Clearly you are offensive, because you are offending a lady who presumably likes you. Miss Manners doubts that you can expect more appreciation from others.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The invitation to a baby shower for my niece asked me to please not wrap the gift, and to please not put a tag on it, as the Mommy-to-be did not want to know who the gift was from. It also went on to ask me to please not buy a card, but to buy a book instead.

I thought all of these requests were quite rude, especially the one of not putting a tag on the gift. I took the time to knit this baby a blanket and would like the baby (and the parents) to know that it came from me, the baby's great-aunt. What are your thoughts on this?

GENTLE READER: That Mommy-to-be has cunningly planned yet another rudeness, as without identifying tags on the presents, she will be unable to write letters of thanks. Miss Manners is tempted to point out that without tags, Mommy-to-be will also not know if you opt out -- either by violating another of her many rules, or by omitting a present entirely. But she supposes that Mommy will also be standing at the door when you arrive, sizing up the loot.

If you expect this to be the case, you might mail the gift in advance, accompanied by a handwritten note. If your niece has the temerity to complain, you can look slightly hurt and say that surely Grandniece-to-be would want to know how much Great-Auntie-to-be loves her.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I was married to my first husband, I prepared the Thanksgiving meal for a crowd of 25-plus family and friends, and my then-mother-in-law would always announce, right when we were all sitting down to eat, that she wanted leftovers.

I found this to be really annoying and rude, as it was almost as if she was intimating to everyone not to eat a lot so she could have another meal. I always told her if I had to give leftovers to her, I had to give them to everyone, not to mention the fact that I always cooked a large turkey so I could have leftovers. She is now my ex-mother-in-law.

GENTLE READER: And you are both thankful to be rid of the relationship, Miss Manners gathers. Had you been willing to put up with the lady in the interests of continuing the marriage, you could have anticipated this admittedly rude order by saying quietly, before the meal, that you had prepared something for her to take home.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Since I am better able to afford an engagement ring than my boyfriend, would it be all right for me to buy myself my own ring? And since he does not approve of that idea, would it be all right for me to help pay for it?

GENTLE READER: Does the gentleman approve of becoming engaged?

Miss Manners suggests settling that point first. But even if you have not conjured this entire idea by yourself, Miss Manners warns you that the symbolism of an engagement ring of which one party disapproves is not good.

You do know, don't you, that it is possible to become engaged without a ring? You can also buy yourself whatever jewelry you want and can afford. But to buy yourself a ring and pass it off as a sentimental pledge from someone who had nothing to do with it suggests, symbolically, that you can do quite nicely without him.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I hope to find a way to gracefully decline repeated attempts by my sister at getting me to attend all of my 15-year-old nephew's football games.

I previously attended three or four of his games in the three years since he began playing peewee ball, as a sign of support for his decision to get active and healthy and enjoy a team sport. It has truly made him a more polite and engaging young man, and I am pleased to offer support to that.

However, these games are an hour-and-a-half trip for me to attend, and well, frankly, I have a life of my own, other obligations/interests/hobbies and a home to maintain, in addition to working full time.

Additionally, my sister and her husband obsess over their son's football games to the point where you cannot have a conversation with them that does not get immediately turned around to their son's football or the latest gossip from the other football parents (who is cheating on whom, etc). Their obsession has reached a point where they go straight home after a game and watch the video of it over and over again.

My sister is extremely sensitive and historically takes any declined offer as a personal affront. I must find a way to be delicate with her feelings, but at the same time let her know I just do not hold the same interest in a 15-year-old's playing football as she does, and that I feel it has passed beyond normalcy.

GENTLE READER: Yes -- a good while back, Miss Manners would think.

Perhaps your nephew is more mature than his parents. Even if not, he probably feels he has enough embarrassing relatives in the stands.

Miss Manners suggests confessing to him that while you are proud of his prowess, you are not much of a football fan, but would like to find another activity that you can enjoy with him. Then, with him present, you can tell your sister, "I won't be going to the game, but the next weekend, when he's free, I'm taking him to dinner and a play."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)