DEAR MISS MANNERS: I know our beloved Victorians invented many esoteric and specialized utensils for serving such things as oysters, celery, asparagus and shrimp. Why not cranberry sauce?

I have a silver piece that resembles a slotted spoon/pie server. It has a rather short handle, and instead of a bowl it has a blade that is completely round and slightly larger in diameter than a "slice" of canned cranberry sauce. Indeed, my departed mother used this utensil to serve the sauce, which she removed from the can by opening both ends and then slicing into serving portions.

I always thought this was a "genuine" cranberry sauce server. Could it have another incarnation, or do I possess a rare relic?

GENTLE READER: Indeed, those daring Victorians were crazy about jellies, and your mother did well to use this as she did.

As a rule, jelly servers were not slotted, and your piece could technically be a cucumber server or, if the handle were longer, a tomato server. If so, Miss Manners hopes you do not grudge its having a side job to carry it through between Thanksgivings.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My 7-year-old daughter has two friends from the same family who live down the street. I am not friendly with their mother at all, although I have met her before. She is a single parent with seven children in the household, ranging from 6 to 15 years old.

These children have a horrific odor problem. I am not sure if it is from stinky feet, dirty clothes or just not bathing. When I allow these children in my home, it is not long before I feel ill from their odor.

I thought about speaking with the school nurse but am unsure. I do not want to hurt anyone's feelings, but something has to be done.

GENTLE READER: How about planning an activity for the children (like bubbles) that involves water and soap?

Miss Manners fears that this family's issue is likely economic or time management or both -- and in any case, not solvable by you. Pointing out hygiene problems to the school nurse or the mother will not be considered helpful. Treat the children to some good, clean fun while they are with you, and hope for the best when they are not.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If, after one of my preschool-aged son's events, I spontaneously invite my in-laws back to our not-exactly-immaculate house, is it appropriate for them to attempt to make it so -- without checking in with me first? What if their attempt involves the sudden use of a leaf blower within vicinity of my infant daughter?

Is this my problem because I shouldn't invite them unless my house and yard are absolutely ready for prime time?

GENTLE READER: Loath as she is to get in the way of a good grudge, Miss Manners urges you to consider that your misguided in-laws were trying to be helpful. Rather than holding off on further spontaneous invitations, you could say: "I hope you don't mind, but I'm afraid our house might be in a bit of disarray. If it will distract you from enjoying the visit, perhaps we should do it another time." And then hide the leaf blower.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one socialize politely with one's in-laws when they are involved in activities that I find immoral and are, at times, illegal?

I try to steer the conversation away from the illicit activities by asking questions about my husband's childhood, inquiring after their health, asking to hear about the latest antics of their pets, etc. Invariably, the talk turns toward my father-in-law's "business." He was serving a jail term related to this work when I met my husband and has now shifted his business offshore.

Even if the work is not illegal in that country (and I have my doubts), it is still illegal in the U.S. It is immoral in that he is taking advantage of a highly vulnerable group of people by endangering their health in order to make money.

He appears to believe in his work, saying that the federal government "misunderstands" him.

Should I take the viewpoint that this man is mentally ill, simply respond with a noncommittal "I see," and continue to change the subject? Mention gently that since his work has caused my husband so much pain, I'd rather not discuss it?

My mother-in-law talks about how they'll spend the anticipated windfall; my sister-in-law's family may relocate so that she can go into her father's business, while my husband and I know that it's all based on fraud.

Please rest assured that I have discussed this matter with an attorney friend, and intervened anonymously when it appeared that the law was about to be broken (and the business was disrupted for a time). Yet the question regarding polite dinner conversation remains unresolved.

GENTLE READER: Tell your in-laws that because you are concerned for their welfare, it might be best if they do not discuss business while you or your husband is present, because there is no legal privilege that would protect them from any statements you might have to give to questions if questioned by law enforcement.

In the silence that follows, Miss Manners suggests you tell them the latest antics of your own pets.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I don't know what to do. We gather for family holiday meals with extended family. Some members spend their time texting under the table and not making any effort to interact with anyone around them. I don't want to cause a family feud. I think it is important to speak to those around you and to be engaged in the event. These are young adults.

What happened to bringing topics to the table and being prepared to share? By the way, not all of the young adults do this, just some. It is extremely uncomfortable to be sitting next to someone who is actively ignoring you.

GENTLE READER: Nor should you. Remember the children's table? You could set one up for those who do not intend to participate in adult society.

Better yet, Miss Manners recommends passing a nicely decorated Thanksgiving basket before dinner, in which to collect all electronic devices. It would be a good deed for people who would otherwise be having Thanksgiving dinner with those whom your guests are texting.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is proper holiday dinner conversation when the age ranges and marital statuses are mixed?

I am a single aunt who is outgoing, not introverted at all, but when I go to my sister's house for a holiday dinner, I feel excluded from the table conversation, as does my widowed mother. It's all about the kids -- and the kids are loud. When I try to introduce a topic, it doesn't stick. It always seems that family units are just not interested in anyone but themselves and their lives.

What is proper, and what can I do besides not attending? All my single friends have similar experiences.

GENTLE READER: You could probably get a football conversation going among those slumped around the television set. And if you helped dish up in the kitchen, you could get an earful about those who aren't helping.

And don't tell Miss Manners that there isn't a rousing conversation at the table about what foods are evil, and how stuffed everyone feels.

Under other circumstances, it may be possible to talk with some of these people about books or the economy or the meaning of life, but not at a family holiday dinner. That's when families bond through announcements, questions and observation.

You should be grateful that the children are rambunctious. It at least distracts the adults from demanding to know why you are single.

What you and your mother should be doing is quietly asking less offensive questions of individuals, just to show an interest in how they are getting along. It would be especially nice to do so of any child who happens to be left out of the play.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I have been disagreeing on something for a number of years. Your response will not change anything but should clear things up.

When we visit friends or family, my wife says that we are their guests, so we should pay for dinners when we dine out. However, when those same people visit us, she then says that we are the hosts; therefore, we should pay for the restaurant meals.

We end up paying both ways. Is there a protocol for who pays and when?

GENTLE READER: If Miss Manners' reply will not change anything, and you and your wife will continue to disagree for decades yet to come, why do you ask?

But perhaps she can enable you to move on to more challenging pastimes by declaring that you are both right. Or would that make it worse?

Your wife is right that the host pays. And you are right that paying should more or less even out. The disconnect comes from your agreed-upon, but wrong, definition of the host.

It is not the person who is host to the houseguests, but the person who has issued the dinner invitation. Houseguests often ask their hosts out to dinner, in which case they pay. But if the hosts announce that dinner tonight is at Le Bistro, they should pay, or at least put forth a mild argument if the guests belatedly realize that they should have invited their hosts out.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)