DEAR MISS MANNERS: You once described men wearing wing collars with black tie as appearing to have dirty necks. For two decades now, I have been quietly seething at the seemingly ubiquitous choice to provide just such an appearance as a misguided fashion statement.

Would you please do what you can to return us to the days when wing collars would never be worn with dinner clothes?

GENTLE READER: Would you settle for better days, rather than the old days?

The sad fact is that black tie was invented in the late 19th century, before there was a shirt to go with it. Perplexed gentlemen, eager to try the new, informal way of dressing in the evening, were staring into their closets trying to think whether to choose a daytime shirt, or a wing-collared one, such as they wore with their more formal tailcoats. They went with the latter.

It was not until the 1920s that the then-Duke of Windsor invented a softer shirt with a pleated front specifically to go with the dinner jacket. So there is historical precedent for wearing a wing-collared shirt for black tie. It just doesn't look very good.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Let me begin with the worst of it (Miss Manners would be advised to brace herself). I am 20 and have not written thank-you notes for holidays and birthdays for about two years now.

I'd like to make amends with my family members who sent me nice gifts that I didn't thank them properly for, but I'm not exactly sure what the right course of action is at this point. Do I just send out thank-yous for the gifts I received this year and try not to draw explicit attention to how remiss I have been in my correspondence? Can I apologize for not sending thank-you notes in the past?

I'd like to acknowledge what they sent me before, but I'm sure I've forgotten some of the things I've received (which is horrible), and I don't want to make it sound like I'm ungrateful by omitting them. I also don't want to make it sound like I'm asking for gifts in the future or try to furnish excuses (I don't have any).

I really just want to apologize, express my gratitude and move on, but I'm struggling to figure out how to do that.

GENTLE READER: You are not the worst. The worst are ingrates who, far from being repentant, try to cast blame on their benefactors for being so selfish as to expect any response to their generosity. In fact, your relatives have been especially generous in continuing to send you presents in the absence of responses.

Still, your record is pretty bad, and Miss Manners is gratified that you are ready to make amends. You are, she presumes, prepared to grovel.

Your letters should begin with enthusiastic thanks for the latest presents, and then go into high praise for their past kindness. For the past presents that you can recall, write specifically about how you have been enjoying them all this time.

Then comes the self-flagellation. The important part is to refrain from offering any excuses. Claiming to have been busy, even with examples of the demands upon you, only annoys people. It prompts them to reflect that they, too, were busy, but made time to send you presents.

Rather, it should be all about how ashamed you are not to have acknowledged their warmth and consideration, which means so much to you. Miss Manners understands that this seems a grim task. But she promises that you will feel better afterward.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a 3-year-old son and a 5-year-old daughter. My best friend has two daughters, roughly the same ages, and is of the opinion that I must begin teaching my son "to behave like a gentleman."

For now that includes pulling out chairs for girls, opening and holding doors for them, standing every time they sit down at or leave the table, that sort of thing. Down the line this would expand to include actions like always paying when with a woman, whether or not they are on a date, and having her wait while he runs around to open the car door for her.

I disagree with her. As gallant and romantic as such actions would be, I fear in the coming years he would be more likely to offend the women and embarrass the other men involved. (Not that I think this is the way it should be, but I believe it is where our society is heading.)

I am teaching both of my children to simply be courteous to others. Whoever gets to the door first opens and holds it for the person behind him (or her). They both should stand while greeting a new person approaching the table ... you get the idea.

GENTLE READER: Indeed. Those are the standard courtesies of our time. Little girls who are being brought up to expect to have their bills paid by male acquaintances and their male bosses to rise when they enter the room are in for some big shocks.

Miss Manners admits to hoping that reasonable gallantry survives -- in the social sphere only -- but not by expecting it of 3-year-olds. Like toddlers in mini versions of dinner jackets and other adult clothing, that would be just a bit icky.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have received a few Christmas cards with photos of tween and teen girls in string bikinis. I am a mother and this makes me cringe. What is your opinion?

GENTLE READER: That these cards were misaddressed.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please tell your readers not to send death notices in their Christmas cards/letters. I received three such Christmas cards.

One was of a good friend, and I was devastated that I wasn't told at the time when she died. My husband died last year, and it lifted my spirits to get cards and letters from friends, but when I opened the ones that told me about people dying, I was so depressed.

Please don't use the holidays to tell your friends/family that someone died. This is not the time to do so -- this is supposed to be a happy occasion!

GENTLE READER: For many, it seems to be the only occasion for writing at all, and therefore the repository of both good news and bad.

One problem, Miss Manners notes, is that Americans do not send out death notices -- black-bordered cards with a formal printed message -- as is done in other countries. People complain of the shock of seeing such notices in social media, as well as on Christmas cards.

She quite agrees that death is solemn enough to be announced alone, not thrown in with other sentiments.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In the course of my business day, I am often called upon to answer questions related to my products and their purpose.

Some customers ask several questions in a rapid fashion, and I am unable to respond without interrupting them. Then, still without giving me a chance to answer any of the questions they have asked, they say, "Well, I guess you don't know anything."

Please give me a gentle response that allows me to defend myself and maintain my dignity.

GENTLE READER: Produce a pencil and paper and, while looking the customer directly in the eye (to show that you are paying attention), write down and number each of his questions.

Whether you faithfully transcribe the questions is irrelevant -- the act of paying attention and taking notes will so flummox the questioner that you will then have time to answer the questions. However, Miss Manners does not advise taking notes on any electronic device, as the customer will assume you have decided to check your email instead of helping him.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: It has bugged me for years that none of my bosses has ever written a thank-you note for a Christmas gift, a wedding gift -- or any gift, for that matter. They have not even acknowledged the receipt of any gifts verbally.

Is there some business rule that I don't know about where the wealthy or affluent or upper management don't acknowledge gifts? I'm looking forward to an answer to this puzzling question.

GENTLE READER: Are you suggesting that the rich may be able to buy their way out of etiquette obligations the way people were once able to buy their way out of armies?

On the contrary. The amazing concept of noblesse oblige requires them to be even more considerate of those who are somewhat under their control.

Not in your office, apparently. But Miss Manners does wonder why you are giving Christmas presents to your bosses and attending their weddings (which would be the only reason for your giving a wedding present). These are not your friends; nor do they sound like friends worth having.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We had a sour encounter with a serving lady at a local restaurant on our very first visit. Since the store encouraged feedback, we addressed the situation by email.

We received a reply from the area manager of the eatery chain, regretting the whole incident. He promised to take up the matter with the manager of the particular store. Meanwhile, he also asked for our mailing address to send over two free coupons as a gesture.

Can we accept this gesture? We are quite glad that the issue was tackled promptly and apologies rendered. But if we send just a thank-you email declining the offer, will it be like offending the gesture made?

GENTLE READER: By offering you the coupons, the restaurant is asking for a second chance to win your business. Miss Manners agrees that this is both good manners and good business, but you are not under any obligation to accept. However, since coupons cost the restaurant nothing until they are redeemed, you may simply accept the coupons and then place them in a desk drawer while you think it over, or give them away to family or friends.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)