Fraud on the social scene! It has come to Miss Manners' attention that invitations that are deliberately and shockingly misleading are being issued to unsuspecting people.

She does not mean to justify imperious guests who are outraged if the hosts fail to cede them control over the menu, the time, the dress code and the remainder of the guest list. Nor does she blame hosts who are unaware of their guests' legitimate restrictions, although it is prudent, these days, to ask if such exist.

Rather, she is thinking of dinners that turn out, upon arrival, to be fundraisers; outings whose secret purpose is unauthorized matchmaking; and parties with unannounced amateur entertainment programs, even if those do not star resident children. Most outrageous are the total bait-and-switch invitations by which hospitality has been apparently extended to those who, upon acceptance, are issued hosting responsibilities, such as bringing the food or paying a restaurant bill.

If frankly offered, these opportunities might be welcomed. But prior warning -- like highway signage announcing falling rocks -- offers the opportunity to take another road. Or at least to close the sunroof.

Miss Manners believes that a guest's commitment to an invitation, once accepted, is generally binding. But she leaps to protect guests who discover that a pertinent -- and perhaps unpleasant -- fact was omitted when the invitation was issued and accepted.

There are ways to rescind an acceptance once such a hidden purpose is revealed. One may firmly state a refusal to end mourning and to "move on" by considering a new romance. One may claim sudden indisposition without specifying that the indisposition came on at the prospect of home theatricals. One can explain that one's disposable income already goes to charities or candidates of one's own choice. One may plead to be excused because of an inability to comply with the shopping and cooking assignment.

But when there has been no warning at all, compliance cannot always be avoided. The correct response will vary depending upon whether one is being pelted with pebbles or boulders. It may be possible to demur when asked for a donation at an unexpected fundraising party.

But when an invitation to a restaurant party turns out to be pay-for-yourself (and perhaps even chip in for the purported host), Miss Manners will not allow a fuss that ruins whatever good feelings may have accumulated before the nasty surprise finish. The hapless non-guest should pay the bill and consider the relationship paid off, with no further obligations. At least it will be clear what lies down the road when the next invitation arrives.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received the following invite from my brother's companion (over 79 years old): "My son wants a big gathering for Thanksgiving, as his son will be home from college, so he made arrangements for dinner at an Irish pub. They have a dinner for $18 complete with Irish music, etc. I would like it if you and your husband would join us too. My son has a place for two more at the table."

What kind of invite is this? Should I be prepared to pay $18 per? Does this sound like a treat ... but she did say her son wants to do it up big, etc.? What say you?

GENTLE READER: What Miss Manners would say is, "No, thank you." But, then, she is not tempted to buy a ticket to meet a presumably unknown student whose parent's idea of "doing it up big" comes at other people's expense. You may feel differently, and should be grateful that you have been warned in time to decide.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In recent months it seems that more and more men are growing facial hair in a variety of styles.

I first noticed this when my parish priest returned from a sabbatical with a somewhat unflattering growth of beard. Many professional athletes have beards and long hair. Television ads depict men of all ages wearing beards. Even TV anchormen and their guests have beards.

Do you have any thoughts about what is behind this craze?

GENTLE READER? Well, it could be aesthetics, admiration for historical figures, a need for disguise, a yearning for variety, or any number of things that also motivate ladies to change the way they look. Or inertia -- a powerful force that makes for interesting trends.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son has asked that we not post pictures of our treasured grandbaby on Facebook, a request that we have respected. Neither my son nor my daughter-in-law has a Facebook account.

My problem is, I see that my son's mother-in-law and sister-in-law post pictures of the baby all the time. They even call her by name.

So, do I tell them about the postings, or mind my own business, even knowing how this will upset them when they find out? And they will find out.

GENTLE READER: If they will find out anyway, why invite them to kill the messenger?

If your son and daughter-in-law ask if you have seen these postings, you may say that you didn't want to get involved, which, whether true or not, is hardly blameworthy. You have been handed a rare case in which the problem will solve itself without your intervention. Miss Manners encourages you to take it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On many occasions I encounter people I have met five or more times over a one-year period. When I see these people, they say, "Hello, I am such-and-such. Nice to meet you."

Yes, they are being polite; however, after meeting me five times -- don't you even remember that you have met me? Am I just being over-sensitive?

My response is, "We have met several times. It's nice to see you."

If I have said that to you five times or more, wouldn't you remember? My husband says that I am letting these people make me feel inferior. I personally think they are just rude and snobby. However, I don't know how to respond to such people.

GENTLE READER: Are you asking Miss Manners why you are not more memorable?

Granted, it is frustrating that these people can't seem to remember you, but your husband is right, you mustn't take it to heart. There could be a myriad of reasons that people are forgetful. Surely you don't want to hear them, particularly if the explanations involve your relative noteworthiness.

Continue to politely reassure these people that you have indeed met -- and then resolve to make more alert acquaintances.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My spouse and I married out of state in 2010, after several happy years together, because our home state does not recognize same-sex marriage.

He works in the arts; I am a lawyer. We attend many social and artistic events and have a wide circle of accepting friends.

However (ironically, I think, given our respective careers), I am much more apt to introduce him as my spouse with new acquaintances. He either haltingly introduces me as his "partner," or worse yet, ignores me altogether, even when I am standing right next to him.

He has attempted to excuse this by explaining that it is "not personal" and that he does not wish to render uncomfortable people whose views he does not yet know.

I have responded that it is indeed personal, since it is happening to me, and that the potential prejudices of strangers are not to be catered to; if they are offended, they can excuse themselves and find other people with whom to chat.

GENTLE READER: Struggles for civil rights focus their energy first on achieving equality before the law. But as you have discovered, that does not mean the etiquette will automatically follow.

Good manners do not always require that you make those around you comfortable by catering to their possible prejudices. Of course spouses should be introduced as such. Miss Manners hopes that the worst thing your spouse is seeking to avoid by his behavior is a polite but cold response.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As I'm sure you know, Southerners like myself address everyone we meet that we are not on a first-name basis with as "Sir" or "Ma'am." I travel to the North on business quite a bit and am occasionally joshed about that with good humor and occasionally not-so-good humor. How should I respond to such attempts at correction, or should I respond at all?

GENTLE READER: "Oh, sorry. It's a term of respect, but if you tell me it's not warranted in your case, of course I'll stop."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a woman who has never married and there is no likelihood of my doing so in the future. I've begun declining wedding invitations, sending a lovely gift, and enjoying not being there.

The weddings I attended in the past were not enjoyable and made me feel distinctly inferior to the couples surrounding me. They have all been focused on the married couples present and their children, and made me want to hide.

I put on a happy face and participated, but in almost all cases, it was clear that my attendance did not add to the couples' joy in the day, and my other relatives did not seem to even realize I was present.

My nieces will be marrying in the next few years. I would much prefer to send a gift and good wishes rather than end up going home feeling like a failure. Would this be a breach of manners?

GENTLE READER: Certainly you may decline these invitations politely. But Miss Manners hardly knows which is sadder: your relatives' wedding behavior, or your inability to forget yourself and be happy for others.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)