DEAR MISS MANNERS: For years, my husband and I entertained guests for holidays with gusto, pleasure and enjoyment. Now that we are in our 70s, we decided to keep quiet and not send any written invites nor make calls and wait to see if we get invited.

The telephone company assured us the phone was in working order, but it never rang.

We stayed home at Thanksgiving and had a convenient turkey frozen (but cooked) dinner and enjoyed the laughs about all the past nice times we had, and how thoughtless people have become. It seems that if we don't send Christmas cards first, we won't get any in return.

What is going on with these obvious social changes in America?

GENTLE READER: The world is changing all the time, in many ways, and always has been. But whenever social change is mentioned to Miss Manners, it is with one of only two conclusions: That nobody has any manners anymore, or that nobody needs to have manners anymore.

Neither is true. Some things have changed for the better -- society no longer tolerates the open expression of bigotry -- and others, such as the open expression of greed, for the worse.

Similarly, adaptations because of changes in the way we live may be done well or badly.

Therefore, Miss Manners is not convinced that your strategy of waiting for people to seek you out has revealed that the world has turned callous. Here are some of the factors she believes are at play:

Many people simply do not entertain, even those who used to do so. They plead that they can barely manage their work and family commitments, but Miss Manners suspects it also has to do with the unreliability and picky behavior of guests. What real (non-networking) social life survives is likely to be in organized groups, such as book clubs, or at meetings in restaurants.

When feeling overscheduled, people tend to react to social opportunities, rather than to initiate them. There is an age factor in this out-of-sight, out-of-mind assumption: People who do not hear from you may think that for one reason or another, you have retired from the social scene.

Technology has changed correspondence dramatically, in that the regular use of cards, written invitations and even the telephone can no longer be assumed.

Now, where does the relentlessly optimistic Miss Manners find an upside to all this? You may safely assume that she shares your yearning for home entertaining, reciprocating invitations, staying in touch and handwritten correspondence.

But so do your socially delinquent friends. Those of us who provide such things now find ourselves all the more valued. Miss Manners hopes we will serve as models for a renaissance of satisfying and mutual social life once society has figured out how to lessen the work-family conflict.

So she urges you not to retreat now, but to advance. Think of yourselves as medieval monks, who are preserving civilization until that time.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My oldest friend (since kindergarten) let me borrow a set of four books. Another friend was having a hard time finding two books in the set. I asked my friend if I could let her borrow the books. She said it was fine.

Over the last couple of years, I have asked for the books back so I could return them. She has just ignored me. I asked her again, sent her a map from her work to my house and on to her house. According to Mapquest, it would add 6 minutes to her commute to drop the books off at my house. She drives within a mile of my house daily.

I waited three more weeks and sent a friendly reminder. I received a text back swearing at me and saying I will get them when I get them. I dropped the books off to her at her work when she borrowed them. So I went out of my way twice to be sure she had them.

I am at my wits' end. My friend who owns the books said not to worry, and it is not worth subjecting me to the abuse. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: That you have one good friend and one really bad one.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I own a home with my boyfriend of six years, and I love entertaining. Mostly, this consists of family parties; his family lives nearby, mine a bit further. We all get along very well.

However, I am repeatedly chagrined by his family's use of our entire house during get-togethers. I want guests in my home to feel relaxed -- but certain members of his family always seem to find their way into areas of the house where I don't feel they should be: the bedroom, my art studio, my office, the guest room where a member of my family is currently staying (unaccompanied by said guest), none of which are located on the ground floor of the house. Most often, it's his middle-school-age nieces, but occasionally his siblings as well.

Maybe it's just me, but I feel that it's not appropriate to enter someone's bedroom uninvited, and there are certain boundaries to be respected when someone invites you into their home. My office contains sensitive documents, and my studio, expensive supplies and equipment.

I have appealed to my boyfriend to help me keep everyone in the common areas, but he's less than vigilant with the follow-through.

I am in the habit of reminding his nieces when they arrive to please stay downstairs with everyone else -- and generally try to say this within earshot of the other adults -- but it seems I'm wasting my breath. The last time I found the nieces and one of my boyfriend's siblings in my office, the sister told me it was OK because she was chaperoning them. It was all I could do not to cry out in exasperation, "Yes, but why are you all in here?"

As much as I love cooking and getting together with family, I'm beginning to feel I can't host any more gatherings until I replace all the doorknobs in my house with ones that lock. Or am I in the wrong -- by inviting people into my home, am I inviting them to every room of it?

GENTLE READER? No, you are not wrong.

Miss Manners proposes that you try enlisting your nieces as guards, which might appeal to their sense of power. You could say conspiratorially that you don't want "other" guests meandering around, and ask the nieces if they can subtly and gently distract or herd wanderers into the designated areas for entertaining.

Of course, the fox-guarding-the-henhouse approach does not have a high success rate. In that case, Miss Manners suggests that you look into replacing those doorknobs.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was raised to believe that the head of the household -- or owner of the home, or whatever -- is responsible for carving the turkey (when turkey is served) unless that person designates someone else to the task.

Is it wrong for someone to volunteer another individual to perform this (albeit "traditional") task without the homeowner's consent?

GENTLE READER: Depending on the century in which you were reared, either the hostess or, in modern times, the host, has been considered in charge of any large animal that appears on platters. Should anyone else attempt to take over, the host should be able to say no firmly, especially as he has a large knife right at hand.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a dear friend who periodically sends out texts to everyone on her smartphone contact list for holidays: "Happy New Year!", "Happy 4th!", etc.

It is nice to receive them, but some people respond to it by unwittingly replying to all, meaning I also see a total stranger's reply to her on my phone. This is no big deal, but sometimes it turns into a more personal conversation between two people, and I am also seeing their messages to each other.

Do I just ignore the whole thing, or do I let them know at some point that their messages are not private? If I do break in, how do I politely phrase it?

I don't wish to cause trouble or embarrassment, but wish they would keep their conversation to themselves, just as I hope that my messages to my friend are kept private.

GENTLE READER: Warning someone who incorrectly believes he is having a private conversation is always good manners and often good public policy. Miss Manners will be brief, as she also suggests you do so quickly, before they start discussing you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last fall, my niece and her fiance mailed out "save the date" notices for their wedding. My parents received one. I just found out my parents were not included on the invitation list due to the fact that the wedding couple could afford to invite only so many people.

My parents had scheduled their annual vacation at that same time, but canceled it because they thought they would be invited to the wedding.

I have a major problem with these "save the date" notices just because of this situation. This is something they should have figured out in the first place before they mailed those notices out, and it puts many people in awkward positions and hurts feelings. I am angry because it really hurt my parents' feelings, and their vacation is ruined.

I have not discussed this with my niece or my in-laws. Should I address this or just let it go? I think it's extremely rude and totally inconsiderate, to say the least.

GENTLE READER: When save-the-date cards were first invented, Miss Manners welcomed them as a way of alerting guests to, well, save the date, not to mention taking advantage of airfare sales. She should have known that people would start misusing them.

Guests were afraid that these required committing themselves so far in the future that they could not think of excuses to decline. But actually, they are merely announcements; answers are required only when the actual invitations arrive.

But those must, indeed, eventually arrive. To treat the advance notices as lottery tickets -- that lucky you may, or may not, be chosen to attend -- is arrogant, callous and disgraceful.

If there are other marriages pending in that branch of the family, it might be useful to mention that your parents never got their invitation. Otherwise, it is hard to see what you would gain by telling your in-laws how rude they are.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)