DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received an invitation to a "black tie gala event" to be held by a federal government agency.

I had previously received a "save the date" notice, which I shared with my wife. We both thought she would be invited, but unfortunately, I just found out from the event coordinator that she is not invited because of "limited seating" and the apparent need to invite interested members of Congress.

Indeed, the invitation simply says "you." I know that proper etiquette would be to include the spouse in a wedding invitation. Does that also apply to a "black tie gala event"? Or is our hurt at this perceived slight unjustified?

GENTLE READER: It is a shock to Miss Manners' patriotic heart to hear that the federal government is categorizing people as first- and second-class citizens. You may well believe that members of Congress were not asked to attend a "gala" without spouses, partners or acquaintances.

But perhaps this was a lesser transgression. You neglected to tell Miss Manners whether you work for that agency.

In that case, you should not have been sent an invitation, as if you were to be there as a guest. Rather, you should have been asked if you were willing to work that evening, answering questions, touting the agency's mission, explaining where the bathrooms were. You would be dressed as a guest, but under no illusion that you were being offered hospitality, and you wife would not be included unless she, too, worked for the agency.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My Thanksgiving was ruined by people that my brother allowed in his house.

I told his girlfriend not to bring or cook a turkey, as I had one already there.

I was cooking said bird when she and two others arrived, already stewed to the gills. They took out my bird and threw it over the backyard fence.

I knew their bird was rancid, as I have been trained as a chef. I told my bro not to eat it. He ate it and was very sick for four days.

I ate one bite and wrapped what was left in my napkin. I proceeded to the nearest hospital, where I work, and had it tested. Salmonella, big time.

Do you think it was rude of me to do so? I warned her about her bird. She nearly killed my bro. What can I do?

GENTLE READER: (1) Check on the neighbors. Even on Thanksgiving, they cannot have expected delivery of an airborne fowl.

(2) Make other plans for Christmas.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How long should one wait in anticipation of a wedding and/or baby shower gift? Should you mention in passing that you have not received one yet?

GENTLE READER: Before you put a collection agency to work on them?

It does not seem to have occurred to you that giving presents is a voluntary act. Miss Manners recommends concentrating your attention on enjoying your marriage or baby, rather than on using them for material advantage.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a church supper, I clearly heard an acquaintance say that all suicide is because of self-pity.

Not only am I a mental health professional, but I have a personal history of suicidal feelings of my own. This woman's remark was cruel and downright evil.

Of course, I couldn't say anything in that setting, and she was also sitting directly across a large, full table from me. So although I ended up saying nothing, and that was several months ago, it still bothers me.

Should I still respond in some way? If so, how? I'm sure she didn't know I overheard the remark. I'm sure that, by now, she has forgotten she said it.

Is there anything I can do to advocate for people who are hurting from depression, or should I just chalk it up to ignorance and forget it?

GENTLE READER: There is not much you can do about it now, since the comment was made months ago and not addressed to you. If something similar happens to you, Miss Manners suggests quietly saying, "I assume you've been fortunate enough not to encounter this situation."

Leave it at that. There are more effective ways to channel your desire to be an advocate than embarrassing individuals, which rarely works.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Who pays for premarital counseling? The future bride or the groom?

GENTLE READER: If they can't figure that out on their own, Miss Manners will offer them some free counseling: Don't get married.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Several months ago, two co-workers and I started a monthly tradition of "girls lunch" out of the office. At the time, we didn't know each other very well, and it became apparent almost immediately that one of the co-workers was going to be a problem.

She is rude and demanding to the wait staff and always sends her meals back. At our last lunch, she actually banged her fists on the table while screaming at the waitress. By the time we paid our separate bills, the poor waitress was holding back tears. She is a lousy tipper to boot, and I always overtip to compensate for her stinginess.

Needless to say, the two of us want nothing to do with any future lunches out with this co-worker. The problem is that we still need to retain a cordial work relationship with her. How do we diplomatically tell her that from now on our lunch trio is only a duo?

GENTLE READER: Make it a duo dinner.

Not only is there no diplomatic way to tell her that you are firing her from lunch, but there is no way to escape being seen by her if you go off to lunch together.

Miss Manners notes that you can, however, suspend the regular lunches and resort to meeting on the side, on your own time, as others do who have even stronger reasons not to be observed.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If I'm asked to wait in an office setting or while waiting in someone's home, is it rude of me to get up and look at paintings on the wall or book spines on a book shelf (not touching or opening the books) in the room where I was instructed to wait?

GENTLE READER: If you have had the opportunity to go on the public tours of the White House, a state governor's mansion or the receiving rooms of royalty, enthroned or de-, you will no doubt have discerned a pattern in the decoration.

There is a definite bias toward displays that make the owner look magnificent, munificent, omniscient or, occasionally, omnivorous. Whether the state treasury could spring for Berninis and Michelangelos, or had to settle for maps showing territorial boundaries of dubious legality, it was the owner's fondest hope that his guests, subjects or clients would look around.

Miss Manners has no objection, even if modern hosts are limited to showing off the books they have read, the schools they have attended or the celebrities with whom they have been photographed. She would, however, refrain from pointing out that the painting attributed to "Titian" is merely "school of."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it ever good manners to apologize for a wrongdoing via a text message? Maybe I am set in my ways, but I think a personal phone call would have been more sincere.

GENTLE READER: How wrong? In the example you have in mind, did the offender break your bathroom glass or wreck your car?

The apology scale goes from texting, at the bottom, to calling, to hand-writing a letter, to wailing, to holding a weepy press conference.

Miss Manners regrets that there is no such thing as a sincerity detector test, so the rule is the greater the wrongdoing, the more labor-intensive the apology.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I worked on Thanksgiving, and as a small thank-you, my boss left me a card and a $25 gift card. She has no idea how difficult things have been for me lately and how much it meant, not only to be appreciated on the holiday, but also how much the gift card will help me with things.

Since her card to me was essentially a thank-you, how do I respond? Do I write her one back, or do I thank her in person when she returns from her holiday time off?

GENTLE READER: Wouldn't she have a better idea of how much this meant if you wrote her?

Because this is more like a bonus than a present, Miss Manners does not insist on a letter. But she is glad that you realize that it does require thanks. A letter of thanks need not be answered, but when the expression of gratitude includes actual items, it requires thanks.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)