Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am an Italian who has lived most of her life in Italy and has now relocated to the United States. Fortunately, I have easily made many friends and am quite happy here.

When American friends invite me to dinner, unfortunately, they often serve me their idea of Italian spaghetti, thinking kindly that I must be "homesick" for spaghetti. But this is meant very well, and I always enjoy their attempts, and often invite them to my house for more authentic Italian meals, so we are all happy.

My difficulty is the inability of Americans to eat spaghetti. In Italy, spaghetti is eaten very neatly and easily using a dinner fork and no other utensil. Americans are unable to do this, and make a horrid mess trying to help themselves along with an additional soup spoon, or knife, or lots of slurping.

However, I have come to realize that the reason they cannot manage with a fork alone is mainly because they are using the wrong kind of plates. Spaghetti must be served in a shallow, flat-bottomed bowl with a wide rim, and then it is easy to roll the strands around the fork, holding the tines of the fork to the bottom of the side of the bowl.

I have never criticized anyone about table manners, as I am well aware of the many differences between European and American customs! But I would like to help my struggling friends.

I want to invite them to dinner, serve a "primo" of spaghetti in my Italian pasta bowls, and hope that someone will say, "These are the perfect bowls for spaghetti!" And then I will, with a big smile, present each couple with a set of bowls, saying that this is a thank-you gift for their thoughtfulness in making me feel at home here.

But what are these bowls called, in an American dinner set?

GENTLE READER: Unless you can find a company that frankly makes pasta bowls, the nearest equivalent in American china patterns is the large, flat-rimmed soup plate.

But you are in danger of being called names yourself by Americans who claim to have learned the additional use of a soup spoon from their Italian grandmothers.

Mind you, Miss Manners knows that you are perfectly right about Italian manners, which are also correct here. But she has stated this before and encountered such protests.

Apparently something was lost in the generational translation. It is as if Texas grandmothers, speaking of ribs at barbecues, had said that of course one can use the hands -- and their descendants had taken that to mean that meat can always be eaten that way.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the appropriate attire (men and women) for an outdoor Celebration of Life ice cream social that is being held in the springtime, several months after my friend's passing?

GENTLE READER: While black is the color of mourning, the color of ice cream socials is more likely to be strawberry or pistachio. You do have a bit of a conflict there.

In this case, Miss Manners considers that as it would be peculiar to have a bunch of people celebrating in black, the party atmosphere should prevail.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Invited to dinner, on the way out the door I was called back by a ringing telephone. The daughter of my host called to ask me to make a detour on my way to pick up special cream cheese for an hors d'oeuvre she was preparing.

I did as asked and delivered the cheese. When she didn't offer to reimburse me for the purchase, I later presented her with the bill via email. This modern Millie then took me to task, reminding me that I was receiving value in the meal I partook.

Was I wrong to expect reimbursement for the cheese? And what do you make of this young woman's stance regarding what is to be expected of a guest?

GENTLE READER: Everyone is so out of line here, Miss Manners does not know where to start.

That the daughter of the host asked you to run an errand for her was cheeky (unless your relationship is like that of family, which Miss Manners is inferring it is not), and that she did not reimburse you is thoughtless.

But presenting her with a bill is not the answer. You could have said (sweetly) at the time, "It was lucky that I was still home when you called. The cream cheese cost $( ). If you're busy now, I can get that from you later." Or you could have let it go and resolved to be unavailable for future errand-running.

But that this unpleasantness escalated into an argument over the relative value of a dinner party and the host-to-guest monetary ratio is beyond all tenets of polite society -- and the very antitheses of graciousness. On that, Miss Manners regrets to inform you that if you are in it for the money, you will find yourself with a social life of diminishing returns.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a new tradition of not opening gifts at baby/wedding showers in front of the guests?

I have been invited to several in the past few years and waited for hours, only to be told they were not opening the gifts. It also seems to be true when you bring a gift after the baby is born. Personally, I don't like it and will probably skip future invites.

GENTLE READER: Really? You are upset that you don't have to watch someone open presents -- from a list that no doubt the recipient provided -- for hours on end? And you are threatening to boycott this non-activity?

These hosts have figured out that this is not entertainment. However, Miss Manners suspects that what they have not figured out is how to warn their guests not to wait for the unwrapping before they can leave -- and that writing a thank-you letter is required.

She assumes that that is why you are boycotting future endeavors. If you do choose to go, however, you have permission to ask -- after a reasonable amount of time has passed -- if presents are going to be opened. And to omit future ones if thank-you letters are not received.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At long last -- I disagree with you! Ha!

It is about your contention that the audience's response after a professional show is not intended to thank the performers, but to show how they feel about the performance -- positive, neutral or even negative.

I am myself a stage artist and know life from both sides of the footlights. If the art presented has been pursued with any sort of seriousness, audience members are witnessing many hundreds of hours of good, honest effort brought to this moment of truth, with all it costs in so publicly exposing one's greatest strivings.

This must be respected. It is never OK to boo, it is never OK to "critique" the performance to the artist's face right afterward.

Hate the show? Just leave. Think it could have been better? Wait until the next day, when the artist has rested and you have slept on your own perceptions, and then write a note to them, or seek them out for a cup of coffee.

Praise what was good -- and there is always something! -- before vouchsafing your thoughts on "what could have been better." The occasion of artists bringing the most precious thing they have to offer is NEVER the occasion to engage in cheap, self-congratulatory criticism. It is certainly not the place to engage in aesthetic pillow fights with one's fellow audience members.

GENTLE READER: Does an aesthetic pillow fight require matching pillows?

While Miss Manners does not applaud cheap or self-congratulatory behavior of any kind, she is perplexed by your logic. The refrigerator that you bought online also represents hundreds of hours of good, honest effort. When it breaks in the first month after installation, do you seek out a customer service representative for a cup of coffee, praising the fact that the refrigerator light continued to work so that you were able to see how much of your food had been ruined?

That the professional performer is uniquely "exposed" strikes Miss Manners as neither true nor flattering. The actor can blame the director, the CEO can blame subcontractors or the government, and the politician can blame the media -- admittedly none with much success. But the actor who argues that his performances are merely a public airing of his own painful secrets denies the craft, hard work, professionalism and experience.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son is 12, and my husband and I have taught him to hold open doors for females, the elderly, women with children, etc. However, a majority of the time he has been told, in no uncertain terms, to go away.

As a parent, how should I explain this behavior to him? He doesn't expect anything -- I just want him to be a gentleman.

GENTLE READER: Unpleasant as such situations are, Miss Manners points out that they provide an excellent opportunity to teach your son a second lesson -- one that will, unfortunately, be just as useful as the original. This is the rule that a gentleman does not return rudeness with further rudeness.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)