DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve read your column for a while now and frankly I don’t know why I’m writing to you because I feel like you’re going to give me just more feel-good bulls--t. I’m tired of all the crap about how women want men who are this and that and the other thing because in my experience? It’s all lies.
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I’m in my 20s, I’m a guy who’s got all the right qualities: I’m smart, successful, decent-looking, emotionally mature, and I treat people with respect. You name it, I’ve got it. But no matter what I do, no one ever seems to notice. Every woman I meet goes for the guy who has none of what I offer. I go on the apps, I get nothing. I talk to women, they ignore me. I ask them out on dates and they go date the tall asshole who’s going to treat them like s--t and dump them two months later, and then they cry about it and go do it all over again.
I don’t even know what the point is anymore. I’m putting myself out there, doing everything right, and still getting passed over for the guy with no ambition or the one who barely even looks like he has his life together.
Why bother being the “right guy” if women are just going to pick the wrong ones? I’m sick of hearing about how women want a good guy, how they want someone who’s got their act together, and yet when I show up with all that, nothing. Do the qualities actually matter? Or is it all some myth women pretend to care about while they chase after the same guys with the right hair and face?
If I’m doing everything right and still getting ignored, what’s the point?
Signed,�Why Should I Believe A Word They Say?
DEAR WHY SHOULD I BELIEVE A WORD THEY SAY: Quick question, WSIBWTS – you say you have these qualities that women want but why should they believe what you say about having them?
Here’s the thing I notice in letters like yours: I hear a lot about the qualities that guys like you have, but they’re all internal ones, inherent ones. The ones like “I’m ambitious and I’m respectful and I’m emotionally mature”. OK… and? I mean, that’s great and all, but how’s anyone supposed to know you have them and why should they care?
The problem that you – and a lot of guys like you – have is that you’re dealing with the classic Nice GuyTM issue: you’re talking about who you supposedly are but not what you do. And one of the things about attraction is that attraction is sparked by what you do for others and how you make them feel. Being “emotionally mature” is great and all but that’s not something that is going to make people want to spend time with you. Successful? Great… how are you going to turn that into something that is meaningful for the other person who doesn’t know you?
Allow me to give you some wisdom from one David Mamet: “Nice guy? I don’t give a s--t. Good father? F--k you – go home and play with your kids!! You wanna work here? Close!!”
The scene itself is about sales and the necessities of capitalism overwriting basic humanity but there’s a nugget of truth there: those inherent qualities aren’t going to make a difference if you’re not doing what needs to be done, which in your case is “get them to like you”. People will care about those inherent qualities when you’ve given them a reason to care. Otherwise, they have no way of knowing that you have them and no reason to consider them to be more significant or important than what someone else has. They’re part of why someone will stick around, but they’re not going to attract them simply because those are things that you are, not what you do. And doing is part of how you get people to like you. Doing, in this case, is entirely about how you make other people feel. If they don’t feel good around you – because of what you do – then they aren’t going to prioritize time spent with you over someone who does make them feel good.
This is why I ask people “what do you bring to the table?” It’s got to be more than “I’m a good person”; it’s about what makes people want to spend time with you. This is why, for example, dudes who can cook, or make people laugh or play music or do any number of things tend to have women lining up, even when they look like a drowned sewer rat who also sells meth behind the Waffle House: they are bringing something to the table that people want and value – a good time.
The supposed “asshole” who’s going to mistreat them? He’s actually charming. He’s talking to them, he’s making them laugh and feel special. He’s not sitting there hoping that someone’s going to see his great inner qualities, he’s showing them a good time. Maybe he’s going to treat them like s--t, maybe not, but in the here and now, he’s providing a meaningful answer to “why should I spend time with you”, and that answer is “because I’m fun to be with.”
(I will also pause here to note how often “asshole who’s going to mistreat them” is usually code for “dude as what got what I wanted and I don’t feel that he deserves it like I do.”)
So if you’ve got these great qualities that make you a good partner, that’s awesome… but those come into play after you’ve gotten over the initial hurdle of “well, here’s why you’ll enjoy my company”. It’s why the Glengarry Glen Ross speech is so appropriate here: you have to sell yourself. It doesn’t matter if your soda tastes way better than Coke or Pepsi if nobody has any reason to try it that doesn’t go beyond “this exists”. You can’t just put it out there and hope folks will stumble across it, pray that they get curious to look closer, buy one and then realize that oh, the mouthfeel of the carbonation is crisper and the aftertaste is so much nicer. You have to give them a reason to try it in the first place. And from the sound of it, you’re not doing that. You’re hoping that women are just going to divine that you have these qualities or that they’ll believe you when you say it, despite a lack of evidence.
This is why you can’t just say you “have” these qualities and assume that’s the end of it. You have to either be able to show those qualities in ways that people will appreciate, or have other things that you bring to the table that will encourage them to stick around and look closer. So show them the things you want them to see, the things they value, and do it in a way that makes them want to spend more time with you so that those qualities actually come into play. Otherwise, all you’re doing is being upset that women aren’t seeing the mystical aura that says “I’m The Good One”.
Good luck.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com