Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I attend a yearly party where the "bar" is various bottles of alcohol and juices, so guests can make their own drinks. Problem is, I've moved past the "vodka cranberry" in plastic cups or beer stage in life, and only enjoy good wine or a specialty cocktail that cannot be made with what is offered at this party. Can't take bad booze anymore.

Is it appropriate to bring my own alcohol to a party and make my own drink with it?

GENTLE READER? No!

Forgive Miss Manners' outburst. Can't take bad manners anymore.

This party is once a year. Surely you can stomach a subpar libation -- or drink a nonalcoholic one -- annually, rather than offend your friends. Bringing your own supplies is rude and tells your hosts that their taste is not up to your standards. Never mind that it is true.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At first, when my husband and I hosted his parents from out of town, I was happy to play hostess. But after two visits, I am done. (I am due with their first grandchild in the next few weeks, complicating the issue.)

They have not respected my requests for them to take their shoes off in my home. They start "projects" around the house without asking, and when I tell them no, I'm not comfortable with that, they plow forward anyway!

My dear husband is, of course, loath to tell them how disrespectful they are being ... He's grown up with their constant need to bulldoze others and has absolutely no boundaries/doesn't want to hurt their feelings.

I would like it if he could tell them they may no longer stay with us, but realize I'm probably going to have to be the "bad guy." How do I tell them "no" without hurting feelings and causing issues right before the baby is born?

GENTLE READER: You don't.

Are you really contemplating barring your prospective child's grandparents from your home? There are two vastly different issues here -- and Miss Manners sympathizes with only one.

Asking guests to take off their shoes is tantamount to saying that you value your flooring more than their comfort. Good luck enforcing that, particularly with older generations. Try taking up your expensive or light-colored carpets when they visit -- and invest in a mop and a vacuum. These are your relatives, and even if you don't care about their feelings, your husband does.

You have a slightly better case when it comes to the home projects. If your in-laws insist that they want to help -- and asking them nicely not to isn't working -- then pick a few menial tasks that you wouldn't mind delegating.

Once your child is born, Miss Manners has a feeling that you will feel differently about tasks getting done around the house. In any case, learning how to accept help, even though it may not be up to your standards, will be a lesson that will come in handy when your hands are full of baby.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While I think I enjoy myself as much as anyone, I'm a low-key person who doesn't demonstrate that with, say, gales of laughter or table-dancing. I also seem to have one of those faces that look "serious" by default, even when I'm in a perfectly good mood.

So I suspect this is why I've now been to several parties where the host has approached me to ask, "Are you having fun?"

Since this always takes me by surprise, it's all I can do to slap a cheerful expression on my face and blurt, "Yes! Great party!" -- a little guiltily, as if I've been caught committing the social faux pas of not expressing enough joy and must quickly cover it up.

Does etiquette approve of this question? Part of me thinks it's just the host being hospitable by making sure the guests are comfortable and happy. But the other part feels like I've been confronted by the Sociability Police and shamed into being more jovial on pain of being a rude guest.

GENTLE READER: Most people have seen a child react to an unwelcome present without enthusiasm, and many of us have witnessed the consequent struggle between related adults, some of whom applaud the child's honesty while others condemn it as rudeness.

Miss Manners prefers to reason with children of a certain age, pointing out that a negative reaction to well-intended gifts dampens the giver's enthusiasm for a repeat performance.

The same rule applies to adult guests: A reasonable cheerfulness is a basic social grace. Anywhere other than an operetta, a host cannot reasonably expect table-dancing, and should not fish for instant reviews.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a neighborhood gathering, I met a man who owns a headhunter/employment placement firm. He told me that he places people in financial/banking jobs, which is exactly what I need. I have been employed in mortgage banking for over 10 years.

He said that he did not have any business cards, but to call him, and just ask his daughter and son-in-law, who live across the street from me, for his name, number and email address.

I have asked them, very nicely, several times, if they could please point me in the right direction with his email address and phone number, and they don't seem to want to do it for me.

Is this bad manners? Someone told me never try to network for a job with neighbors.

GENTLE READER: Have you ever had to turn down a customer who needed a loan? And, assuming that you did, did the fact that the loan was exactly what he needed change your mind?

If you have reason to believe that the headhunter truly would be happy to speak with you, then it should not be difficult to search for him online, rather than through his daughter, reminding him of your previous conversation. But Miss Manners asks you to first consider if the daughter is not attempting to be polite by not confronting you with the fact that she has learned that her father's offer was not genuine, but merely a casual comment at a social gathering.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For our daughter's graduation from high school, we planned a small party for her with immediate family and a few neighbors and close friends.

My daughter does not like parties, so we asked her the week before to please let us know if she was feeling uncomfortable and we would call it all off, no problem. She said she would be OK with it, and we told her she could just come for a bit to say hi and thank her guests.

Day of the party, she leaves the house and doesn't show up at all, texting her dad that she wasn't feeling well and wasn't up to a party.

So now we have 30 people we are apologizing to and feeling extremely embarrassed by her rude behavior. People graciously left monetary gifts, which my daughter didn't bother to open. On top of it all, her grandparents flew in from out of town, and she was extremely rude to them and didn't spend any time talking or thanking them for coming.

So what do we do with the gifts? Do we send back the checks and cash and thank everyone? Do we keep them and not give them to my daughter directly? Maybe use them for her college expenses?

I feel bad keeping them, but I am not sure if it is just as rude to mail them back. Whatever we do, she will not send thank-you notes, either. I will have to do that.

GENTLE READER: It seems to Miss Manners that this is the least of your problems, considering that you have a thoroughly rude and callous daughter.

Ordinarily, it is insulting to return presents, but your guests have already been insulted, and are due abject apologies on your daughter's behalf, if you must write them. You can return the money with the explanation that as your daughter did not participate in the celebration, you are refusing to let her keep any of it.

Miss Manners does not consider you to be free of responsibility for this fiasco. Leaving aside your duty to teach your daughter manners and consideration for others, there is the question of why you even considered giving a party for someone who hates parties, and your willingness to allow guests to make plans that you offered to cancel a week before.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I exited a stairwell just ahead of a lady in a manual wheelchair who was getting off an adjacent elevator. I held a door open for her as we entered a long hallway, en route to our destination. The hall was narrow, so I walked behind.

She seemed to have no problem navigating through the winding path, but should I have offered to push? (For the record, I did not offer, but opened a door for her as she exited the hall, one stop before mine.)

GENTLE READER: As the lady was not having any problem, why should you have offered to push?

Miss Manners considers that you were polite in offering a conventional courtesy, and that there would be something offensive about suggesting that the lady was not managing well on her own when she obviously was.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)