DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it my imagination, or is it the popular thing these days for some people to start off their hate-filled rants by bashing political correctness AND THEN spew forth all manner of racism and misogyny and sexism and ageism!

How is one to deal with this venom? I agree with the idea that people should be careful not to use language or behave in a way that could offend a particular group of people. Does having good manners require me to sit quietly and say nothing?

GENTLE READER: No: You should run.

Miss Manners is adding denouncing political correctness to her list of conversational prefaces from which no good ever follows. Others include, "Do you want me to be perfectly honest with you?" and, "Would you like some constructive criticism?"

When people announce that they plan to abandon the rules of civilized discourse, they should be taken seriously. The response should be, "Well, if you are in favor of being offensive, I'd rather not hear more."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Who is responsible for indicating that they want to end a telephone conversation with the other party? I am told by the party involved that I am not listening to the "hints" being given. I am not a mind reader.

GENTLE READER: Then Miss Manners suggests listening for such remarks as:

"It was good to talk to you."

"We must get together one of these days."

"Oops, I'd better find out what that noise was."

And of course, that classic standby, "I think I hear my mother calling me to dinner."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At an outing, I verbally invited a friend to a Fourth of July party to which I already had invited several other people. She accepted but asked to bring the two teenage sons of her ex-husband, as he was busy that day.

I responded that I did not have enough chairs/space to accommodate three more people. She said then she was going to plan some other activity with the boys.

A week later, she told me that I had behaved in an unacceptable fashion, and she wished to sever contact for the foreseeable future.

Was I completely unreasonable? It was not the nicest thing to do, I realize, but space was really the issue.

GENTLE READER: Isn't there a more basic issue here? One that Miss Manners fears that you are too diffident to mention?

It is that you are the hostess: It is your party, and you get to set the guest list. And while you may wish to be flexible, you do not have to be defensive about your limits. It is enough to say that you are so sorry not to be able to meet their proposed extras on this occasion, but hope that some other time will present itself. (In this case, that would have been spreading graciousness over your friend's obvious motive of keeping the teenagers occupied, rather than adding interesting people to your party.)

The proper way for a prospective guest to ask to bring someone is to decline the invitation on the grounds of having to entertain her or his own guest. That gives the host the choice of inviting that person, or simply expressing regret that the invitation was declined.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Ever since childhood, I've loved acting and I can't imagine living without theater. I used to constantly get lead roles at a children's theater, but now that I've outgrown it and started auditioning at community theaters, my confidence in acting has been less stable.

I'm getting ensemble roles, and sometimes not getting in shows at all. I know I have some talent because I've gotten occasional callbacks and compliments, but I never seem to be close to the top anymore. And I know that most of the reasons for not being cast should not be taken personally. Yet none of this makes me feel better.

While I still have fun, when the show ends and the cast goes to greet the audience, my self-esteem always drops when I see the audience members ignoring me and the other ensemble members on their way to congratulating lead actors.

Sometimes when I feel rejected, I'll try something else that might make me stand out. Since I love writing, I try to write stories, but I either don't finish them or realize that publication is often even more difficult than landing a lead on stage. Deep down, I know that nothing can replace theater.

I know that wanting to feel "special" and "stand out" makes me sound shallow. That's not my intention. I don't want to be famous or star on Broadway. I don't want to be recognized everywhere, but after a performance, I wish somebody would see me as an individual.

In the least shallow way possible, I want to have SOMETHING to remind me that there's a reason I was granted some talent and that someone other than myself will verbally recognize it.

GENTLE READER: Be happy that you are only being ignored. Many actors get treated far worse -- picked apart and criticized -- a more crippling blow to one's self-esteem than not being noticed.

If you seek consistent approval in the theater and your confidence is dependent on it, then you might have picked the wrong career. Tenacity in the arts is more powerful than talent, Miss Manners has observed. And she has witnessed many a talented actor give up in frustration, while less accomplished ones succeed, merely because they stuck it out.

If you truly love theater and are not in it (purely) for the recognition, then you must accept being an ensemble member as the opportunity that it is. Working your way up in the ranks and not getting recognized for it is a necessary stage of life -- and is certainly not limited to the theater.

If you want to succeed, then you must harden yourself -- not only to the lack of constant accolades, but to worse: the constant critiques. (Miss Manners had a talented acquaintance who was told as a teenager by a casting director that she had a face like a chocolate chip cookie. She ignored the insult and went on to an extremely successful and lucrative career in voiceover work.)

You stated that you enjoy writing -- another field that requires perseverance and tenacity. So write yourself a lead part. Many a current star has done so -- and even if it never gets produced, it will afford you an opportunity in a field that you could wait forever for someone else to grant.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When we are traveling and visit with friends or relatives, we always go out for dinner one night. We always pay as part of our thanks for staying at their house. When they come to visit us and we do dinner out one evening, we again pay, as we feel they are our guests.

No one even offers to pay either way. Seems we are always footing the bill for dinner. Who should pay and when? How do we get out of it?

GENTLE READER: The host always pays, but the question is, who is the host? Is the dinner out an extension of the invitation to stay over, or is it a way of thanking the house host and giving him/her a night off?

Miss Manners recommends not stepping outside until you know the answer.

Dessert, as you have discovered, is far too late. If you are issuing the invitation, you are the host. If your house guest suggests a night out, you can say that is so kind, and that they really do not need to take you out -- you can eat at home.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a registered nurse and work in an ER setting. Very often a patient will ask polite questions about me that can be difficult to answer. You see, I am lesbian.

If a patient asks if I am married or about my husband in a nice way, I am at a loss. If I "come out" to a stranger, the results can be unpredictably uncomfortable.

Sometimes the patient becomes indignant and wants another nurse, which is very hard to arrange. A patient might feel that I would not take good care of them if they express distaste about my being gay. How can I politely deflect these questions?

GENTLE READER: "Now, now, we're not here to talk about me. We're here to take care of you."

Miss Manners notes that you are in a rare position where nosy questions are not only condoned, but required. But they must be from you to your patient, and about whatever prompted that visit to the hospital.

Deflecting personal chatter in the interest of solving the immediate problem is a skill that all professional people need, regardless of the nature of their private lives, but it should be particularly observed in an emergency room.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister-in-law is throwing a baby shower for my daughter. Invitations were sent to several of my co-workers with a request for an RSVP and a deadline.

My co-workers haven't responded, and I am being asked to find out if they will be attending. Although not answering the RSVP is a faux pas, is being asked to find out who is coming rude?

GENTLE READER: So long as your sister-in-law is asking you for help because you know your co-workers and see them regularly, she is not being rude. Miss Manners does, however, require that she not make explicit the fact that you are being asked to make up for a manners deficiency on the part of your invitees.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)