DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have never heard of "Call or write if you do not wish to attend" when I receive an invitation. I have always understood RSVP to mean "Let us know by such and such a date if you plan to attend."

There is no mystery if you do not reply by the date mentioned, as that automatically excludes you from the invitation list. No muss, no fuss, no need to write or call and say you cannot make it. The host automatically knows that all who plan to attend will have sent in an RSVP by the specified date.

It is also more "feelings" friendly, as you need not offer an explanation as to why you choose not to attend. You may not like the people, or you may have a previous engagement. By not replying, you do not have to hurt or ruffle feelings.

It adds no burden whatsoever to the host, as by the deadline, they know how to plan their event, as they know exactly how many people are attending. It saves time (and maybe feelings) for both the invitee and the host.

GENTLE READER: Do you have any idea how much havoc and hurt you are causing? You and everyone else who hold the bizarre and callous notion that people who are good enough to offer you hospitality may simply be ignored?

Even the most casual invitations require definitive replies. If a co-worker stopped by your desk and asked if you'd like to go out for coffee, would you just turn away without a word?

About the workability of what you suggest, Miss Manners assures you that you are wrong. She is flooded with mail from anguished hosts who find that people who have not responded to their invitations may nevertheless show up -- and those who have accepted may not. (The same is true of the odd but common directive "Regrets only," which you claim does not exist.)

Hosts' feelings are also something Miss Manners knows about. People who entertain are not so naive as to believe that everyone can or will attend. But they are insulted not even to receive the courtesy of a reply.

No excuse for declining need be given -- just an expression of gratitude for the invitation and regret at being unable to accept.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are a gay couple who have been together for 24 years. We always hoped that someday we could be married, and now we can.

Since we have been together for so long, we really don't need linens, china, etc., so we have requested that in lieu of gifts, guests should please consider making a donation to one of three chosen charities.

Well, the bills are piling up, and I've got a severe case of sticker shock. (Weddings are expensive!)

I sense that some relatives might try to write checks to us as gifts, regardless of our request. Would I be a hypocrite if I accepted them? It's starting to look like we really could use the money.

GENTLE READER: Take it.

Miss Manners will spare you her distaste for soliciting presents, even on behalf of charities, and also for making payments instead of giving presents. If people decide by themselves to give you checks that are not directed toward charities, you should accept them graciously.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm in college and work as a customer service representative at the campus copy and print shop. Frequently, customers will come up to the counter wearing headphones and will not remove them or pause their music while I discuss their order with them.

Although I always try to be patient with customers who do this, it frustrates me, and I consider it rude and disrespectful. It makes the transaction take much longer, because I will need to repeat questions and explanations several times (since these customers aren't able to hear what I'm saying).

Is their behavior out of line, or am I just overreacting? And is there anything polite I could say to try to correct this situation, or should I just continue to smile and repeat myself in the most pleasant tone I can manage?

GENTLE READER: Why say anything at all to people who are obviously not listening?

You could just stand there smiling and waiting expectantly. When the customer inevitably demands why you are not speaking (and with any luck, takes off those headphones to see what is being missed), Miss Manners would say, "Oh, I was afraid that you wouldn't be able to hear me, so I was waiting until you were ready."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister-in-law attended my mother's funeral visitation as one of the first to arrive and the last to leave (a 2 1/2-hour stay). She had met my mother only a few times and knew very few of the guests attending.

She managed to join in on every conversation, felt the need to inquire about who the guests were and why they were there, stated how hard the day was for her since it brought back memories of her own mother who died six years ago, and cried and hugged everyone in sight.

When she finally left along with the last guest, she stated, "How fun."

Is it wrong for me to be upset that she used my family's grief as her social outing for the week and her topic of conversation to anyone who is "stuck" listening to her for the next several weeks?

GENTLE READER: No, it is not wrong. But unfortunately, saying it is.

Miss Manners does not see any polite, or even reasonable, way to put it. "I am sorry, but your show of grief was excessive, given your limited relationship to my mother"? or "Please don't socialize at my mother's funeral"?

Controlling another's demonstrated grief, no matter how misplaced and excessive it might be, is a fruitless and unbecoming task. At the very least, think of your sister-in-law's antics as a momentary respite from your own more tempered and legitimate bereavement.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I attended the wedding of a friend of hers. As we entered, an usher asked my wife, "Bride or groom?" then extended his arm, which she gladly accepted. He escorted her to the seat, never acknowledging my presence.

I told my wife I felt that was out of line. We entered as a couple, and why were you being led in another man's arm? She disagreed and said this is standard practice. I am a photographer who has done plenty of weddings, but I've never seen this done. I need you to settle this debate.

GENTLE READER: It is standard practice.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How best can a hostess graciously accept compliments on her cooking?

When people remark on a particular dish or baked good, I find myself saying "Thank you," and then adding a disclaimer (i.e., "It was an easy recipe"). I feel uncomfortable simply saying "Thank you" without anything else, but perhaps this is the most polite response and I need to become accustomed to giving it. What should one add, if anything?

GENTLE READER: A winning smile. Miss Manners recognizes, without understanding, that most people find it difficult to accept a compliment with good grace. But she urges you to consider that attempts to convince the guest that your cooking is not worthy of compliment are neither flattering, appetizing, nor, she trusts, convincing.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My spouse and I enjoy completely different types of music. Her music puts me in a horrible mood.

It usually isn't a problem, because our house has enough room for me to get away from it. However, when we drive in her car, she insists on playing her music: "It's my car, and I'll listen to what I want to."

When we drive in my car, I ask her what she wants to listen to, hoping that we can agree on the same XM channel, which usually happens.

What are the rules on car radio etiquette? Is she right? Does the owner and driver of the car get to choose the music?

When it's a short trip for an errand, I can handle it. A long trip is torture. I thought about wearing earplugs. Yes, she does like a high volume with a little singing, too. No, she doesn't sing very well.

She said that she'll follow your rules of the road.

GENTLE READER: How about the rules of marriage, starting with Don't Torture Your Spouse?

Being in the driver's seat, literally or figuratively, does not relieve one of the need to consider the comfort of others, Miss Manners assures you. On the contrary, it confers the obligation to do so. The system your wife cites -- might makes right -- is what civilization was invented to overturn.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a workmate who posted his wife's baby shower invitation on the refrigerator door in the break room. He has not mentioned anything about it to anyone or given out private invitations.

Are we obligated to respond or buy a gift, or even RSVP, since little to no effort was really put forth on their part for inviting colleagues? I'm fairly put off, as I find this tacky and very impersonal. I just find this as someone looking to get as much as they can in any form with no other thought put into it.

GENTLE READER: Posting an invitation in the break room is not the same as issuing a formal invitation. Miss Manners gives you permission to ignore it so long as your workmate does not bring it to your attention. If he does, you will have to respond, mumbling that you didn't realize you were included, left your glasses at home and took lunch out all week.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)